How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?
They'll get over it.
How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?
They'll get over it.
What do you call an Englishman in the World Cup final?
The referee.
How many cops does it take to push a man down the stairs?
None. "He fell."
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?
Haaaaaaaaaand Eyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee!!!!
What do cannibals call unvaccinated children?
Organic food
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
Why haven't we found aliens yet?
Because they are searching for intelligent life too.
Why are New Yorkers so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Why does Trump have small hands?
It makes it easier for him to pull information out of his ass.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
3.
His left ear.
His right ear.
And the final frontier.
What does a grape say after it's stepped on?
Nothing... It just lets out a little wine.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horse-pital!!
Just kidding, they get shot.
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]
How do you describe all of Russian history?
But then it got worse.
How do you break up two blind guys fighting?
Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
What makes a good tongue-twister?
Well, it's hard to say...
How did Matthew McConaughey masturbate after breaking his left arm?
All right all right all right.
How do you find a blind guy at a nude beach?
It's not hard...
How do you know that an introvert likes you?
He looks at your shoes instead of his.
Whats the difference between American women and Middle Eastern women?
American women get stoned before they commit adultery.
What do Japanese men do when they have erections?
They vote.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They'll just arrest the light for being broke and beat the room for being black.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis - er, LADDER! I meant ladder.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
What's Batman's favourite fruit?
Ba na na na na na na na na na na na na na grapefruit.
How many non-humorous people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker?
A wouldpecker.
What's the difference between Trump and the Lannisters?
A Lannister always pays his debts.
What's the most popular red wine??
We want our land back!!
What borders stupidity?
Mexico and Canada
What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.
What size underwear do feminists wear?
Double standard.
Why are there so many grammar nazis on the internet?
Because English majors don't have jobs.
What is it called when buckets of paint conspire with each other?
A color scheme.
What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?
A church.
What happened to the overconfident lion-tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride.
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
So they can see the battle.
What do you call a robot whose sole purpose is to have one-night stands?
Nuts and bolts
When do S and C sound the same?
When it's necessary.
if Jesus died for sin...
...then who died for cos and tan?
What does a Catholic priest and a silver medalist have in common?
They both came in a little behind.
Why was the computer tired when he got home?
Because he had a hard drive.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
Why was the man arrested for looking at sets of dentures in a dentist's window?
Because it was against the law to pick your teeth in public.
Why did Donald Trump rush to Macy's?
He heard they had Ivanka's clothes half off.
Why is six afraid of seven?
Seven has an extra penis.
Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.
Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals.
Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?
Cancer. Mary has cancer.
What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, there's a live grenade in her mouth.
They say April showers bring May flowers, but what do Mayflowers bring?
Genocide.
Why are pirates such good singers?
Because they hit the high C's.
If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?
The United States of America
Who was the sexiest woman in Greek myth?
Medusa. One look from her made guys rock hard.
Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom, you take 5 shots.
What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States?
We wouldn't have to pay her as much.
How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.
How do you kill a blonde?
You shoot her.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A Mechanic.
Why did the French chef commit suicide?
He lost the huile d'olive.
Why doesn't Conor McGregor like fighting in the spring?
Because of Mayweather.
What's the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear; the other's a great year.
What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
Why does the pope not want to be cremated?
Because he is still alive.
Why do foot fetishists never win?
Because they like the taste of defeat.
What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?
Fizzyscists
How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?
Call her.
Why do Irish people only put 239 beans on their toast?
Because one more would be two farty.
What do boobs and the sun have have in common?
You can look at them longer with sunglasses.
How will Trump's presidency end?
Someone will tell him Obama can hold his breath for 10 mins.
What's the hardest part about reading a Veterinarian book?
Putting it down.
How do billboards communicate?
Sign language
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?
Their knees.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he felt crumby.
How do you get an art major off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza!
Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?
Because all the DNA matches, and there are no dental records.
What's the biggest city in the United States?
Obesity.
What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?
Skinning the vegan.
Why can't T-Rex's High Five?
Because they're all dead.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
What part of America can't sell full sized soft drinks?
Minnesota.
What a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
None of them. Historians suggest that most pirates would have been illiterate.
What's the difference between a doctor and God?
God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.
Why do you get aroused when you look in the mirror?
Because your dick thinks you're a pussy, too.
What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whiskey?
A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous, but a bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.
What rock group has four men that don't sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Why do you never play hide and seek with mountains?
Mountains peak.
What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive?
Trying to act surprised.
How did pirates communicate before the internet?
Pier to Pier Networking
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She can fit into your wife's clothes.
What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
What borders stupidity?
Canada and Mexico.
Why did Donald Trump watch the olympics?
To see how high the Mexicans pole vaulters can jump.
What do Donald Trump the iPhone 7 have in common?
They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
Women who are short are called "petite," But what are short men called?
Friends.
What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
Did you know pigeons die after they have sex?
At least the one I fucked did.
What's Canada's intelligence agency called?
The C.I. Eh
What is heavy forwards and not backwards?
ton
Why did the blind woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
What sex position creates the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
What confuses an idiot?
Seven.
Where do theatrical dogs wear their gloves?
On their...
(Dramatic Paws)
Did you hear about the cannibal who ate an optimist?
He couldn't quite keep him down.
What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common?
An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.
What sport do you play with a wombat?
Wom.
What's the difference between a waitress at a strip club and a stripper?
About 2 weeks.
What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
Banned from the petting zoo.
How do you piss off a female archaeologist?
Hand her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
How is free healthcare like a good joke?
Americans don't get it.
What's a 6.9?
A good time ruined by a period.
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don't care if she has one or not.
How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell "Fuck"?
You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell "Bingo!"
What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?
A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.
What's the penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Have you heard about Marx's tomb?
They say it's a Communist plot.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle?
The polar bear.
What has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes?
12 pirates.
How did the hipster burn his fingertips?
He was changing the lightbulb before it was cool.
What did the one continental plate say to the other after the earthquake?
Not MY fault.
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
Why can't a Tyrannosaurus Rex clap?
Because they're all dead.
What bounces and makes kids cry?
My donation cheque to "Children in Need."
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.
When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you're eating a watermelon!
Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.
Why is NTFS healthy?
Because it's FAT free.
What is great in the US but awful in the UK?
Losing pounds.
How does a robot avoid getting caught for public masturbation?
He nuts and bolts.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey!
What is the colour of the Wind?
Blew.
Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well!
What do an uncircumcised penis and the KKK have in common?
They're both pricks in oversized hoods.
How do crabs get around on land?
They use the sidewalk.
Why is Europe like a frying pan?
They both have Greece on the bottom!
What is a cannibal's favorite restaurant?
Five Guys
How can you tell the gender of an ant?
You put it in the water. If it sinks it's a girl ant, and if it floats, it's a buoyant.
What headphones does United Airlines use?
Beats by Dr.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell somebody else that he's a vegan.
Have you heard the one about the transgender vegan?
He was a her-before.
Why does Jesus hates playing video games?
Because it takes him three days to respawn
What's Donald Trump's spirit animal?
The wall-rus.
Why don't Melania and Donald Trump sleep in the same bed?
She was tired of Putin's snoring.
Why was Kurt Cobain depressed at 13?
Midlife Crisis.
Just one.
How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decaffeinated.
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marxist.
Why are Alabama weddings so small?
Because you only need to invite one family.
What sex position are you not allowed to use in Alabama?
Reverse cowgirl. You never turn your back on family.
When is the Bible accurate?
When it's thrown from a short distance.
What do you get if you spell man backwards?
Flashbacks.
"Siri, why am I still single?"
Siri activates front camera.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
What was Forrest Gump's email password?
1forrest1
Why is there a fence around the cemetery?
Because people are dying to get in.
A chubbier woman: "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
Mirror: "Kindly move aside. I can't see anything."
How do you get a Mexican chick to blow you?
You decorate your wiener with leaves.
Trust me, Mexicans love blowing leaves.
What was the world's first palindrome?
Madam, I'm Adam.
What's green and eats nuts?
Syphilis.
Why was the racehorse names Strawberry Ice?
He was a sherbet!
What did the potato chip say to the battery?
If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
(A gummy bear!)
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
'Why are you crying, Ted?'
asked his mum.
'Because my new sneakers hurt.'
'That's because you have put them on the wrong feet.'
'But they are the only feet I have.'
Did you hear about the blonde who missed the 44 bus?
She took the 22 twice instead.
What did the bicycle call its dad?
Pop-cycle
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
How come ants don't get sick?
...because they have lil' anty-bodies.
What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic?
Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.
Why do space rocks taste better than Earth rocks?
Because they're a little meteor.
What did the guitar and banjo name their daughter?
Amanda Lynn
What can Donald Trump and I both agree on?
That if Ivanka wasn't Trump's daughter, I would date her.
What is the difference between flying pigs and politicians?
The letter f.
What do you call a hacker who can see the future?
A 4chan teller.
Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?
Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.
How do you make a human corpse float?
Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.
What did the tampon say to the cheerleader?
Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.
What did the fat kid eat for dinner?
Salad, he's on a diet.
What is the difference between arguing with your girlfriend and arguing with a knife?
The knife has a point.
What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?
A trophy.
Why did the slave go to college?
To pick up his master's degree.
What does a slutty horse wear on its hooves?
Whoreshoes.
What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?
Molasses.
Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?
If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.
Why do riot police like to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
What is big, yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of children
How many friend-zoned guys does it take to screw a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw...
What do you get when you cross babies with soldiers?
The infantry!
You know that look a woman gives you when she really wants sex?
Me neither.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Because she kept throwing out all the Ws.
Why are even the best forensic teams unable to catch hillbilly criminals?
Because they all share the same DNA and there are no dental records.
How come Americans never play chess?
Because they are missing two towers.
Why don't you need birth controls when having sex with British boys?
They are the earliest to pull out of eu.
Who was the most racist president?
Bill Clinton. He hid from the black guy in between the Bushes.
What's the definition of "trust"?
Two cannibals doing 69.
Why did New York get all the lawyers, and New Jersey all the toxic waste sites?
New Jersey picked first.
What's the difference between golfers and skydivers?
Golfers: *smack* Shit! Skydivers: Shit! *smack*
What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a child rapist?
Alien vs Predator
What do men and tile floors have in common?
...if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.
Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea?
It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.
whats the difference between Congress and a condom?
You can only fit one dick in a condom.
Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?
To prevent Hispanic attacks
What's the difference between an epileptic farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea?
The farmer shucks between fits.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because six inches isn't going to satisfy a female elephant.
What do rednecks do on Halloween?
Pump-kin.
What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
What is the best way to pick up American girls?
With a crane.
Why can't a chicken coop have more than two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people?
A big wave
What do you get when you cross a lion with a rhinoceros?
A trip to the hospital and animal cruelty charges.
Why do African-American people like fried chicken and watermelon?
Because they are delicious food items.
What do you call a black man without a job?
A man disenfranchised by the failing American economy.
What is orange and smells like a Jewish cat.
Nothing
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It didn't. It was struck by a car and killed instantly by the impact.
Why did the man with no arms fall of his bike?
Someone threw a washing machine at him.
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
One is a person of Jewish descent and the other is a device for traversing waterways akin to the raft.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor?
what did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
we are both lawyers
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
What does a blonde do with her asshole in the morning?
Pack his lunch and send him to work.
How many violists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They're not small enough to fit.
What do you call 100 John Deere's circling around McDonald's in Kentucky?
Prom Night.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A carrot!
What is the cheapest way to entertain?
Serve bean dip at a hot tub party.
How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's finished everyone will think that his last light bulb was much better.
Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
He thought it was a high school!
What's cannibalism?
Men eating pork.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A frostbite.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What type of bees produce milk?
Boobies!
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?
His ass.
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather.
Kinky is using the whole chicken!
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
Because it said 'concentrate'.
Why doesn't Gordon Ramsay have unprotected sex?
It's fucking raw!
Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?
It's not very bright but it spreads easily.
How do aliens pay for their coffees?
With Starbucks!
What did the mother say when her son asked if he was ugly?
"I told you not to call me that in public!"
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
She didn't pass her driving test.
Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?
Because she was a woman.
How warm is a janitor's closet?
Broom Temperature.
Did you know the first French fry wasn't cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Whenever I'm in trouble, I think, "what would Jesus do?"
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they're good buoys.
Why did the rapper go to Whole Foods?
For the beets.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted.
What do you do with an English prostitute?
You give her a pound, then you give her a pound.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas... But do they know what Den City is?
It's mass divided by volume.
Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating.
Why do Americans still think they are in "The Greatest country in the world"?
When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.
Why do black people go to church?
Because the father is actually there.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?
Arrr Kelly!
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?
Nothing. Our engineering is flawless.
What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
One, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.
Stalin asked Hitler if he wants to hear a joke.
Hitler says "Yes." Stalin then says "Moscow."
Hitler replies with "I don't get it?"
Stalin laughs and says, "And you never will."
What do you call the facility where they make lower quality, but still acceptable, goods?
The satisfactory.
Whats the difference between Humans and Bullets?
Humans miss John Lennon
Why can't a leopard play hide and seek?
Because he's always spotted.
Why are crime rates down in the US?
Because criminals keep turning themselves into police.
What do you call couples that practice pulling out as a method of contraception?
Parents.
Do you know what 80 year old vagina tastes like?
Depends.
What symphony is a pedophiles favorite?
Mozart's Flute in A minor
How does cheese get more mature?
Fromage.
How is a ska band the opposite of a rhinoceros?
Horns in the back, asshole up front.
What do you get if you cross Putin with a...
Bang! You don't cross Putin!
What is the opposite of ladyfingers?
Mentos.
My sister majored in Philosophy. I saw her sobbing the other day, worried she wouldn't get a job.
I said, "Are you having an existential cry, sis?"
How is Yo' Mama like the New York Jets?
You give them a quarter, and they'll let you score.
Why shouldn't you sit on Death's couch?
Because there will be grim reaper cushions.
What's yellow and hurts when it falls in your eye?
A bulldozer.
Whats the problem with feminist picnics ?
None of them make the sandwiches.
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a "g" and it's gone
What's the difference between a guitarist and a pizza
A pizza can feed a family of four
"What do we want?"
"Maturity!"
"When do we want it?"
"Haha. You said tit."
Did you hear about the amateur porn actor with the invisible dick?
He came out of nowhere.
What happened when the car took LSD?
It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!
Who drives away all of his customers?
A taxicab driver.
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A seatbelt.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No ikea!
How does a penguin build it's house?
Igloos it together.
Why are dwarfs so good at math?
Because it's the little things that count.
When I go down on you, it makes you very happy. And when I come back up I will fuck you good and hard. What am I?
Gas prices.
What's it called when you get a boner at a funeral?
Mourning wood.
A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and ... cola."
"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."
Why did Darth Maul jack off into a piece of fruit?
Because the sith always comes in pears.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?
A seizure salad.
What do you call a cloud's undergarments?
Thunderwear.
How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well it depends on what you mean by change.
How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?
One. But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.
How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. He holds the bulb and the room spins.
How many lonely men does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But he wishes it took two.
How many accident-prone people does it take to change a lightbulb?
We're on our sixth.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It's their job to help people find their way in dark places!
How many homophobes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They don't accept change, even if it means a brighter world.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.
6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark?
Black people can't swim.
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I made it with my really hot math teacher?
Couldn't really brag about it at the time 'cause I was home schooled...
Is it proper to eat a hamburger with your fingers?
No, you shouldn't eat your fingers at all!
What do you call a spider from Baghdad?
An Iraqnid.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
Did you hear about the pedophile that never could win a race?
He was always coming in a little behind.
Did you hear about the new French tank with 14 gears?
Thirteen go in reverse, but one goes foreward incase the enemy attacks from behind.
What did one candle say to the other?
"Don't birthdays just burn you up?"
Why are lesbians always low on cash?
Because they're constantly eating out!
What's the best part of an ISIS joke?
The Execution.
Hehe...get it? No? Fine I'll be-heading off now.
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eye.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure.
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to hold the penis.
I mean the ladder. One to hold the ladder.
Girl, do you have 67 protons?
Cuz you a Ho.
Why is the Australian emergency line "000"?
Because it'll look the same when your phone is upside down.
What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
Why do women live longer than men?
They're not married to women.
What do you call cheese on steroids??
Shredded cheese.
What happens when Batman takes viagra?
The Dark Knight Rises.
Is it wrong to hate an entire race?
I just feel like humans were never meant to run 26 miles.
What did Michael Jackson call his denim store?
Billie Jeans.
What kind of moron invented the fire blanket?
Surely fire is warm enough already?
Did Jesus ever get drunk?
I dunno either, but I heard he got hammered once.
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?
You hang up a bingo sign!
How do you measure a Lego man's shoe size?
In square feet.
How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb.
One, we are efficient and devoid of humor
What do you call a fat psychic.
A four-chin teller.
How do you piss off a feminist?
Don't worry, she's already pissed off.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw his gas bill.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
Because they don't know what a full house is.
Why are girls like rocks?
You skip the flat ones.
What do you call two tectonic plates having a fight?
Ground beef.
How does Bono spell color?
With or without "u".
What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
A woman.
What do you call a clairvoyant dwarf who escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they go.
How do you get a bass player off of your porch?
You pay for your pizza.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What do you call the kid who finally stands up to the bullies?
An ambulance.
How do you tell if your roommate is gay?
If his dick tastes like shit.
What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane?
A pilot.
Why was Fibonacci afraid of 5?
Because 5 8 13!
Why did the doctor get angry?
Because he lost his patients.
What did the sea say to the river?
You can run but you can't tide!
What do you call someone with no body or nose?
Nobody knows.
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
What's a fundamentalist Christian's favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?
Remorse code.
How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three.
One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket some disgusting pink mouthwash.
What's the best way to overcome depression?
Love it, so it leaves you, too.
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I would have married you no matter who left you a fortune!"
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Eire O'Dynamic
If Jesus were still alive, what kind of car would he drive?
A Christler.
What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood?
A happy meal.
How long does it take to reach the ground from 110 stories up?
The rest of your life.
Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?
He had to go to the Bat Room.
Why did the mermaid cover her breasts with seashells?
She outgrew her B shells.
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
Wife: Why do you keep talking about my weight behind my back?
Husband: Because by the time I get around to the front I've forgotten what I was going to say.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no clue how they got in there.
What has five fingers and isn't your hand?
My hand.
What has four wheels and can't support a family?
A liberal arts major. I lied about the wheels.
What have a push-up bra and a bag of chips got in common?
Once you open it, you realize it's half-empty.
What do you call a fruit that isn't allowed to marry?
A cantaloupe.
How can you tell if an envelope is gay?
It comes in the mail.
What Jam can't you eat?
Traffic.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's like sex, but with someone they love.
What's the number one cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Why do pencils shave?
To look sharp
How many nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just complement the bulb and get pissed that it won't screw
What is worse than blacking out after a crazy night and losing money?
Blacking out and gaining money.
What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?
Their criminal record.
What do you call a cheap wig?
A small price toupee.
Have you heard the joke about the kid who was deaf?
Neither has he.
This guy just tried to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me.
I said, "Hey, you wanna pizza me?!"
Sunbathing on the beach, the wife came up to me asked what I thought of her flip flops?
"They're terrible," I said, "put your bikini top back on!"
What's the difference between minesweeper and my ex-wife?
I've never beaten minesweeper.
Did you hear about the narcoleptic hair stylist?
He dyed in his sleep.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because he isn't real.
What's the difference between hearing a joke and seeing a joke?
One involves a mirror.
Did you hear about the agnostic scientist who had twins?
She only had one of them baptised. The other one is the control.
What does a Chinese man need to take his dog out?
Oven mitts.
What do you call it when a dwarf waves at you?
A microwave.
What's white and can't climb trees?
A Fridge.
What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety?
Past tense.
Why did the banker eat lunch by himself?
Because he was a loaner.
How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One? Or two? One? .... Or two?
What's the difference between me and a pile of bricks?
The bricks will get laid.
Why are jokes in base 8 not funny?
Because 7,10,11!
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
Nobody pays to have a garbanzo bean on their face.
Why was the robot mad?
Because people kept pushing its buttons.
Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female?
Because they're never wrong.
Why was Lara Croft sad?
Because her career was in ruins.
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
To avoid being mistaken for feminists.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8.
Did you hear about the mime that hung himself at the Trump rally?
He's fine - fake noose.
What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.
Why was the snowman smiling?
He saw the snowblower coming.
Why did the stoplight turn red?
Well, wouldn't you turn red if you were caught changing in the middle of the street?
Why doesn't Bono like Google?
He still hasn't found what he's looking for.
What's the difference between me and eggs?
Eggs get laid.
How do you flirt with a calligraphist?
Say, "You have pretty I's!"
How many introverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Why does everything have to be a group task?
What do you call Helen Keller punching someone?
Senseless violence.
What was Joan of Arc's hidden talent?
She could really cook.
What's the difference between a rooster and a hooker?
A rooster says cocka-doodle-doo a hooker says any cock will do.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a nun?
A computer that won't go down.
What do you give a girl that has everything?
Penicillin.
Did you hear about the guy who ran over himself?
He asked a kid to go across the street to get a pack of smokes, the kid said "No!"
So he ran over himself.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
The teacher says, "spit your gum out." But the train says, "chew chew chew."
Did you hear about the new bra they call the Sheepdog?
It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
What did the mermaid wear to her maths class?
An algae bra.
What breaks when you give it to a twelve year old?
Her hips.
What does a Jamaican do when he sees a spaceman?
He parks his car, man.
Where do Siths do their shopping?
At the Darth Mall.
What do you call a British circle jerk?
A Union Jack.
How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
Why do pens get sent to prison?
To do long sentences!
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
She couldn't control her pupils!
What's the best way to sum up the 90's?
90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945
How long does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
Depends on how hard you squeeze the babies.
What do you call 2 people with identical penises?
Doppelwangers.
What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?
Meals on wheels.
What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?
Logger-rhythms.
Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed!
How do you know tickle me Elmo is male?
Because before he leaves the factory they give him two test tickles.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are about $2. Deer Nuts are under a buck.
Why do the French have so many civil wars?
So they can win one every now and again.
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
Why shouldn't you throw away an old dolphin?
Because they can be re-porpoised!
What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.
Why did the pedophile go to Wal-Mart?
He heard that boys pants were half off.
What's Santa's favourite heavy metal band?
Sleigher
So what if school doesn't teach us how to get a job or raise a family?
At least I know the whole periodic table of elements!
Why was the antivaxxer's 3-year-old crying?
He was having a midlife crisis.
What's the difference between a circus and a whore house?
One has a cunning array of stunts.
Why are uncircumcised people loners?
Because they're complete dicks.
What does Asian Matthew Mcconaughey want for dinner?
All rice, all rice, all rice
Have you ever wondered about those people who pay a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards!
When do atheists scream out "Oh my God" during sex?
When it's unbelievable.
Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident?
The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.
What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry.
Why was the birdkeeper so popular?
She was always showing her tits.
Do you know why Parisians only have a single egg for breakfast?
Because in France one egg is un ouf.
Why do all hotdogs look the same?
Because they are in bread.
Where do facts come from?
The factory.
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?
It was given two consecutive sentences.
How did the magician make his assistant disappear?
He killed her and then cremated her body.
What did one duck say to the other?
Quack.
What's the difference between a melon?
One of its halves are both the same.
Have you ever seen Puns: The Musical?
If not, you really should. It's a great play on words.
What do cows like to line dance to?
Any kind of moosic you like!
Why did the Jedi kill his master?
To get to the other side.
Why did the burglar take a shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway
A armed man robs a bank with 2 CDs glued to his glasses. The cashier hands the man all the money then says, "Got to ask, what's with the CDs?"
He replies, "It's my disk-eyes."
Why do Paedophiles never win races?
They like to come in a little behind.
What's the difference between England and Viagra?
Viagra can get you past a semi.
What do you get when you mix LSD and a birth control pill?
A trip without the kids
Why are storm troopers so clingy?
Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.
What's a pornstars favorite drink?
7 up in cider.
What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys?
Molasses.
Whats worse then being murdered slowly?
Nothing.
What were Jesus's last words to his disciples as he was nailed to the cross?
Nobody touch my fucking Easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday.
Do you know what's not right?
Left.
Why can't Albert Einstein hold down a job?
Because he's dead.
Why should you knock before you open the fridge door?
There might be a salad dressing.
Who decided to name it a "sperm whale"?
A group of seamen.
Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider?
Because it's hard to disCERN.
How is God just like every other man?
If you're not on your knees, he's not interested.
How was The Sixth Sense like Titanic?
Icy dead people.
What can you serve that you cannot eat?
A tennis ball.
Did you hear about the Anorexic Jedi?
She had to be force fed.
What's worse than being a dwarf.
Being a dwarf with no legs.
What is the worst thing about sex in a cemetery?
All the damn digging.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
With little knotsies.
What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?
A Trojan horse.
How many oranges grow on the average orange tree ?
All of them.
What do you get if you jump into the red sea?
Wet.
How do you make a horse drink?
Put it in a blender.
What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey!
During which battle was Lord Nelson killed?
His last one.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!
What ended in 1887?
1886.
Teacher: "What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?"
Little Johnny: "I don't know, I wasn't invited!"
What's green and fluffy?
Red fluff, if you're color blind.
Why will the congress never impeach Trump?
Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Why are there so many old people in Church?
They're cramming for the final.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe dammit, BREATHE!
What time does Andy Murray arrive at Wimbledon?
About tennish.
What do a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Where do ghosts go for their holidays?
The Dead Sea.
What do you call a sensitive, intelligent man?
An oxymoron.
The wife just told me, "I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."
I said, "How can you say such a thing?"
Who's got two thumbs and dissociative identity disorder?
*points thumbs at chest* That guy.
How do you hurt a circus clown?
Go for the juggler!
What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes?
Slow clowns.
What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?
A private tooter.
What is black and white and red all over?
A panda bear with a sunburn!
What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
Handcuffs.
How do they dance in the Middle East?
Sheik-to-sheik.
What's the difference between feminism and a $100 bill?
A $100 bill makes change
A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?
Germany.
What has six balls and rapes the poor?
The lottery.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheburg.
Why do Germans fear hotdogs with cheese?
Because for them, it is a Wurst-Kase scenario.
How do you prepare a dead baby for Valentine's Day?
You shove a box of chocolates down his throat and a bouquet of roses up his ass.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Why are mountains so funny?
Because they are hill areas.
What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.
Why is wrestling stupid??
It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....
What is a simile?
It's like a metaphor.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1001. 1 to hold the light bulb and 1000 to turn the house.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing?
I don't know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An accountant!
What does a pirate from Boston say?
Aaahhh.
Do you need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
What is the official bird of love?
The Swallow.
What do you call a man that just got brutally murdered?
I don't know, check his birth certificate.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?
Dead.
What did the Chinese restaurants do with dogs that wander into the kitchen?
Kept them as pets.
What was Hitler's favorite letter?
Not z!
What is the tallest building in the entire world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
What do you call a horse that's always helping out with arts and crafts?
Glue.
How many guys wearing turbans does it take to change a light bulb?
Sikhs.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But it takes about 8-10 visits.
Is it possible to kill a mother in Law with newspaper?
Sure, just wrap it around an iron.
What's the difference between a German and a Scot?
The German knows when he's not speaking English.
What's a ghost's favorite type of porn?
Boookakke!
Why do black people get hit by cars more during winter time?
Because they're easier to spot.
What are cat-erpillars afraid of?
Dog-erpillars.
Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?
He went around killing gingers.
What do you call ten blondes at the bottom of the pool?
Air pockets.
What do you call a plane with no wings?
An unfinished plane.
What color socks do bears wear?
(They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)
What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
Sleep in the wardrobe.
Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
Because he filed as head of the household.
Why couldn't the witch ever get her enchantments right?
She forgot to use Spell Check.
What do me and Mariah Carey have in common?
Neither of us know the words to any of her songs
Which birds steal soap from the bath?
Robber ducks!
What's the worst place to get an erection?
In your ear.
What do you call it when a redhead goes nuts?
A ginger snap.
How many Nazis does it take to finish a race?
None, Nazis can't finish a race.
What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.
Why was the 3 year old Ethiopian kid crying?
He was having a mid life crisis.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and sheep?
A wooly jumper.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper?
A Brontosnorus.
What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend?
... accommodating.
Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons: they still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where the real stuff comes from.
What's another name for a clever duck?
A wise quacker!
What did the man say to his brother?
Nothing, because he just died in a tragic car crash.
What happens when you smoke pot in Saudi Arabia?
You get stoned.
What's a man's definition of safe sex?
When his wife's out of town.
Hear about that guy who overdosed on viagra?
His wife died.
Where do you find a one-legged cat?
Right where you left it.
What does KFC and a woman have in common?
Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in.
What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man.
A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Why was 10 traumatized?
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
Did the robot have a brother?
No, but he had lots of trans-sisters!
What is the gender of Iron Man?
Fe Male
How do we know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
If it was invented anywhere else, it would be the teethbrush.
Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?
The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.
What noise does a cat make going down the highway?
Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!
How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
10, 1 to change the bulb and 9 to share the experience.
What is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but millions volunteered to get rid of anything dark
Why did Jesus drop out of the carpentry business?
He got too attached to his work.
What present can you give to the woman who has everything?
Antibiotics.
What does a woman and KFC have in common?
Well, you start with the breasts and the thighs, and you end up with a greasy box to put your bone in.
What do engineers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Whats worse then finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.
What's the easiest way to get a little head?
The Zika virus.
What is green, has 8 wheels, and flies?
A garbage truck.
What did Harry Potter say when he found Dumbledore in bed with his godfather?
Are you fucking Sirius?
Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?
Because Ken comes in other boxes.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
How do you keep an erection?
Don't fuck with it.
What's worse then falling off a building?
Falling of a higher building.
What is the one type of person that will never get angry?
A nomad.
What's a horrible icebreaker?
The Titanic.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.
What did the calculator say to the student?
You can count on me.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night."
What's the difference between a coyote and a flea?
One howls on the prairie; the other prowls on the hairy.
What do you call a UK police woman with a shaved pussy?
Cuntstubble
The best part about being an abortion Doctor?
I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.
How many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, I left early.
Why was sally mopping the floor?
Because she was a slave.
What do a woman's anus and a 9 volt battery have in common?
You know its against your better judgement, but you put your tongue on it anyway.
What do snakes and condoms have in common?
I don't fuck with either of them.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice!
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A ripoff.
What type of flour do you buy an orphan?
Self-raising.
Why did Obama get two terms?
Because black men always get a longer sentence.
What do you call a black woman that's had 5 or more abortions?
A crime fighter.
How do you make a cheeseburger sad?
Make it with blue cheese!
Why do Canadians prefer their jokes in hexadecimal?
Because 7 8 9 A.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A Meanderthal.
Should women have children after 35?
"No, 35 children are enough!"
How many babies does it take to paint a shed?
Considering babies are incapable of rational thought it is unlikely they would understand how to employ the correct method to paint.
Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?
Only thyme will tell.
You know what's a cool job?
Mirror inspector. I could really see my self doing it.
Doctor, Doctor what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing!
How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass
Satisfying.
How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
On average or do you want the whole distribution?
Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he 's married.
Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?
They were looking for the ark tick.
If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left?
A million dollars minus 75 cents.
What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons; civil engineers build targets.
Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happiness and peace into people lives?"
Student: "'Smo-king', 'Drin-king', and 'Fuc-king'"
Wife to her husband:
"I told you I'll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?"
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say: "Bach, Bach, Bach."
How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the nursery?
They woke up.
What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common?
In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.
What every sports player should say after winning?
"First of all, I would like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."
What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second?
First honeymoon, Niagara. Second honeymoon, Viagra.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
What did the farmer say when he is driving down the road on a steep hill and his right front wheel falls off?
"You picked a poor time to leave me loose wheel."
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
When is the only time a guy can multi-task?
When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...
What is height of Secrecy?
Offering blank visiting cards.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."
What are three words you dead the most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His shoe.
Customer: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?"
Waiter: "Please sit down sir, we serve everyone."
If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires suck cock?
Oh wait... Twilight
What's the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.
How do you get an old lady to swear?
Get the old lady sitting next to her to shout bingo!
What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
His hand slipped.
What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two more bullets.
What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks?
You have pressure when your wife is pregnant.
You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant.
You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!
Whats the cheapest type of meat that a redneck can buy?
Deer balls, they're under a buck.
Me: Siri, why am I alone?
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
I watched Justin Bieber get shot in CSI and my brother asked "Why are you crying?"
I said "Because he didn't die in real life"
What type of pussy does a priest get?
Nun.
What does an SEO and part-time chiropractor work on?
Your bad backlinks.
Why did the Jews roam the desert for 400 years?
Someone lost a quarter.
Boy: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
Girl: "Do Not Enter!"
What's the difference between a black and a white fairytale?
White begins, "once upon a time," black begins, "y'all motherfuckers ain't gonna believe dis shit!"
What do you call an Asian billionaire.
Cha Ching.
What do spongebob and an asian have in common?
They're both yellow and can't drive.
Why is there no Mexican olympics?
Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder.
A father was advising his son: "If you want to have a big and strong dick in future you have to eat more walnuts."
Suddenly son's mother by an angry face shouted: "Why when you were child didn't eat enough walnut yourself?"
What's Mexico's National sport?
Cross Country.
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
A photon is checking into a hotel and the bellhop asks him "Do you have any luggage?"
The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."
What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Old man: "Can you give me an erection?"
Faith Healer: "I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the 'dead'."
"Hey Bill... Do you talk to your wife while you are having sex?"
"Only if there's a phone handy", Bill replied.
Why don't black people go on cruises?
They already fell for that shit once before.
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes. Who survives?
America.
What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't?
Ended a race.
What happened to the cannibal lion?
He had to swallow his pride!
How do you play Iraqi bingo ?
B-52...F-16...A-10.
What do you call Americans pushing a car up the hill?
White Power.
What do you call Asians pushing a car up the hill?
Asian Power.
What do you call Mexicans pushing a car up the hill?
Grand Theft Auto.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.
Do you know why babies cry when they are born?
Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.
What did the Asian parents name their retarded baby.
Sum ting wong.
How can you tell which one of your friends has the new iPhone 6 plus?
Don't worry, they'll let you know.
Why can't Chinese couples have Caucasian babies?
Because two Wongs don't make a white!
I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?
What do you call a fat Chinese prostitute?
Chun Ki Ho.
Teacher to student "Why is every answer on your test 'Chuck Norris'?"
Student to teacher "Chuck Norris is the answer to all problems!"
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
What do you call a very small valentine?
A valen-tiny!
If a horses foot covers 2 acres of land, what will his tail cover?
His ass!
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool?
Throw in your laundry.
When do boys ask for a girl's hand?
When they get bored by theirs!
Famous last words of a bomb disposal expert?
"Yes, the red wire."
What did O say to Q
Dude your dicks hanging out
How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, "Fees."
What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?
"Why does it work?"
What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?
"How does it work?"
What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?
"How much will it cost?"
What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?
"Do you want fries with that?"
What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?
Bubblegum and you should be ashamed of yourself.
If the world were a jacket where would the blacks go?
The Hood.
Why are black people so good at Basketball?
Cause all you have to do is RUN, SHOOT and STEAL.
What's the problem with an Asian pet store?
There's always a kitchen in the back.
Don't you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?!
Yeah, that's how us guys feel about push-up bras!
What do you call an accountant with an opinion?
An auditor.
What Valentine's Day candy is best to give a girl?
Her-She Kisses.
Why do women love Hunters the best as lovers?
1. Hunters have the longest and most powerful rifles.
2. Hunters always....shoot twice.
3. Hunters love to...eat what they shoot!
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?"
"First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
Girl: I get horny every time I hear something sexual, it's weird I know, but anyway, what's your name?
Me: Sir BJ Anal The 69th.
How many Mexicans does it take to build...
Oh shit, They're done!
What the number one crime in asia?
Identity theft.
Did you hear about the overweight man who took up horse riding as exercise?
The horse lost 15 pounds in a week!
How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?
Both of them.
What do you call a turtle with a hard on?
A slow poke.
"Lisa, why are you so angry with me?"
"Because I'm Christine."
Whats the similarities between a fence and a white person?
They both get jumped by Mexican and black people
Is it true that 5 minutes of laugh prolongs your life by 5 minutes?
It depends who you are laughing at – it may as well shorten it...
Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?
A blonde tried to shoot herself!
Why is Hitler never invited to BBQ's?
He always burns the franks.
Two fish are sitting in a tank.
One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
First Cannibal: "Have you seen the dentist?"
Second Cannibal: "Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time."
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?
Why don't black people dream?
Because the last black guy that "had a dream" got shot
Getting your ass kicked by Chuck Norris?
The only good news is you know when you will die.
Yo mama is so fat that when she asked, "Why is the grass always greener on the other side?"
Everyone replied, "'Cause you aren't standing on it."
How can you help a starving cannibal?
Give him a helping hand.
How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
What do you call a bunch of white people in a elevator?
A box of crackers.
Have you tried Starbucks new hot beverage, Viagraccino?
One cup and you're up all night.
What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist?
The optimist studies English.
The pessimist studies Chinese.
The realist stays home and cleans his kalashnikov.
How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention?
It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.
Teacher: "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
Boy: "Somebody else's pants."
Why do black people go to the Liberty Bell?
They heard there was some crack in it.
What did one tit say to the other?
I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts.
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, 'Doctor, why do men always want to marry a virgin?'
To which the doctor responded, 'To avoid criticism.'
What's the difference between an NFL player and an elevator?
The elevator can raise a child.
What did the black woman name her 5 sons?
Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, and Tyrone.
How did she tell them apart? She just called them by their last names.
What do you call a Mexican knight?
The Chosen Juan.
Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Sunday school teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you believe in the Devil?"
"No," said Little Johnny. "It's the same as Santa Claus. I know it's my daddy."
Two skeletons meet, and one asks the other, "Did you die before the Social Security reform, or after?"
"No, I'm still alive."
The wife's just said to me "Can you explain why I've just found another womans knickers in your coat pocket?"
I said "Yes, I can explain. It's because you're a nosy bitch!"
What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed?
Han So-high
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic?
Snap-on tools!
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients?
They hid their own eggs!
How does a black woman know when she's pregnant?
When she pulls out her tampon all the cotton is picked off.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
How can you tell if you have acne?
If the blind can read your face.
Why did the Blonde pee in the Grocery Store?
The sign said "Wet Floor."
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
H2O cubed.
What do you call a person in china who doesn't eat dog?
A tourist.
What's the difference between a black guy and a elevator?
The elevator can raise a child.
Did you hear that the travel agency NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN offers the flights over the Bermuda Triangle?
Mostly is the trip successful for the first time, max. for the second time. Very popular is also the camping in tents near the shore of the river Nile.
What is the similarities between a black girl, and a tornado?
They both suck, blow, and leave you homeless!
What do you call a Labrador that becomes a magician?
A Labracadabrador!
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
What's the flattest surface you can iron your clothes on?
Asian girl's ass.
How does an LA policeman go fishing?
He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are.
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?!"
How do they name Chinese baby's?
They throw silverware down the stairs until they hear something they like.
The teacher asked Willy, "If you have seven cookies and Billy asks you for three, how many cookies have been left with you?"
Willy immediately answered, "Seven!"
What do you call a bunch of Mexicans in a barn?
Modern farm equipment.
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table has no balls.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman?
Cause you have to hollow out it's head!
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
What do a tornado and a black person have in common?
It only takes one to ruin a good neighborhood.
What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
He was booked for a salt and battery.
What really separates black people from society?
Prison.
Where do homeless accountants live?
In a tax shelter.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
He got the sack.
What does your Mama and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at but you can't help cracking a smile when you see it tumbling down the stairs.
Little Johnny: "Dad why your dick's hairs are black but the hairs of your head are are going to be white?"
Dad: "My dear the first one is thinking but the second is enjoying."
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.
What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL?
Sir, we were able to save her!
What happened to the Asian when he walked into a wall with a boner?
He hit his nose.
What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower?
Unemployed.
Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3 and 1/2 inch floppy.
Yo mama is so poor that when I saw her walking down the street with one shoe and said "Hey miss, lost a shoe?"
She said, "Nope, just found one!"
If the world population was made into a sweater, where would the black people be put?
In the hood!
what do black people and bicycles have in common?
They only work with a chain on.
Why did the white guy go to the black guy's yard sale?
To get his stuff back.
What do you call a computer expert?
A control-alt-elite.
Why does the witch not wear panties when flying?
Because she wants to get a better grip on the broom.
Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
What do you call a black guy in a suit?...
Guilty.
How do you kill 10,000 Mexicans?
Throw a peso over a cliff.
How do you kill 10,000 more?
Tell them nobody got it.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles.
How are men like bank accounts?
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest!
So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?".
The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
Did you hear about the cannibal Tax Accountant?
She charges an arm and a leg.
What do you call 100 million black guy skydiving during the daytime?
Nightfall.
Where do one-legged people eat?
IHOP.
What does a black person and Batman have in common?
They both can't leave home without Robbin.
How are black people and wolves similar?
They both fight in packs.
How do you tell when time is reversing?
When a Jew drops a coin on the ground.
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes.
The woman asked, "Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?"
Why are there no Mexicans on star trek?
They don't work in the future either.
Do you know how to play gay poker?
Queens are wild and straights don't count.
What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
No ball room.
Why don't black people pay rent?
Because jail is free.
Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?"
He says, "No, our house isn't blue."
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.
What did the letter O said to the letter Q?
Dude, your dick is hanging out.
Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus' time?
Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?
It was OK.
Why is making toast like an interracial couple having a baby?
It's annoying when it comes out black.
Why did the blonde build a bridge across the river?
So she could have shade when she swam across!
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A doctor?"
"And why's that?"
"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."
What do you call a Mexican having a shower?
A miracle.
What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?
Self-employed.
A Mexican and a black person jump off a bridge, who wins?
Society.
How do you know if an Asian robbed you?
Your homework is done and cats gone.
A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran!
Johnny just looks at him and says "not so funny when its your mum is it ?"
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them, too.
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of 3's?
Cuz the signs at the border say no Trespassing.
How do you get the little black kids to stop jumping on the bed?
Put Velcro on the ceiling. How do you get them down?
Tell the Mexican kids it's a pinata.
How does a leopard change its spots?
When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another.
"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?"
"My name is Paul."
What do you get when you take two hookers to Red Lobster?
10% off for bringing your own crabs.
What does a network administrator say when he gets back to home from work ?
There's no place like 127.0.0.1!
What's the difference between a black man and a daycare?
A daycare knows when it has children.
Why did Michael Jackson call Boys II Men?
He thought it was a home delivery service.
Are your legs made of Nutella?
Because I'd love to spread them!
What is Jehovah's wiseness favorite band?
The Doors.
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
The NBA
What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?
Nothing, yet.
Dad, what happens if a condom tear?
Look at yourself...
Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?
The police are looking for some hardened criminals!
How do you tell if a black girls pregnant?
Shove a banana up her vagina and if you pull it out half eaten then you got a monkey on the way.
"Dad, can you help me find the lowest common denominator in this problem please?"
"Don't tell me that they haven't found it yet, I remember looking for it when I was a boy!"
How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
What do you call a Scottish iPhone?
An AyePhone.
Why weren't the Republicans behind the verdict in the Saddam Hussein Trial a couple of days before the 2006 Midterm Elections?
Because they were so busy fixing the price on oil!
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till I hit the ground?
The rest of your life...
What do you name an Asian baby with problems?
Sum ting wong.
How come the village Guy Fawkes won the Nobel Peace Prize?
Cause he was outstanding in his field.
Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
The police thought it was a cereal killer.
"Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place?"
"He was sacked for making a grave mistake."
Why don't you play uno with Mexicans?
They steal all the green cards
What's a man's ultimate embarrassment?
Walking into a wall with an erection and hurting his nose.
What's an orgasm, Mom?
I don't know... ask your father.
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Asian? A car thief that can't drive.
Have you heard of the new black Barbie doll?
It comes with 6 kids, AIDS, and a welfare check!
What do you call four Mexicans sinking in quicksand?
Quatro,sinko.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
What is the difference between baby and knitting?
Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two balls!
Have you heard about the new "Mint flavored birth control pill" for women that they take immediately before sex?
They're called "Predickamints".
Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
Did you hear about the man who spent too much of his company's money on Viagra?
Now he's hard up.
Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?
Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, "come Spot, come Spot!"
What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.
Who's the most famous Jewish cook in history?
Hitler.
So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?"
She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it."
What do you call a gay guy with a sixteen-inch dick?
A pain in the ass!
Little boy says to his father: "Daddy, I heard on the news that cigarettes have become much more expensive. Does it mean that you're going to smoke less from now on?"
And father replies: "No, son. I will smoke as much as a have. But, you'll be eating less!"
What do you call a bunch of Mexicans getting stoned?
Baked beans.
What did the Left Nut say to the right nut?
Don't talk to the guy in the middle he's a dick!...
Why did the computer get cold?
Because it forgot to close windows.
Why do women need guys?
Vibrators don't usually pay for drinks.
What's the difference between a tiger and a lion?
A tiger has the mane part missing.
Brrr! My hands are cold.
Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.
How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic?
He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.
Do you know what a plateau is?
It's the highest form of flattery!
"Have you got the address of the butter website?"
"Yes, but don't spread it around."
What do you do when your computer gets wet?
Put it in a bowl of rice, an Asian will show up and they will fix it.
Why don't blacks have dreams anymore?
The last one who had a dream got shot.
How do you remove one thousand flies in one motion?
Slap a Kenyan in the face.
Why are black peoples eyes red after sex?
Pepper spray.
What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A pussy - because you gotta leave your bags outside!
Why aren't black people offended by thes jokes?
Because they can't read.
Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire?
Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.
Why are asprins white? Because they work!
Why is life like a box of fruit?
Because when they go bad, they go black!
What are the small bumps around women's nipples?
It's Braille for 'suck here'.
A Democrat walks into a doctor's office with a frog sitting on his head.
The frog looks at the doctor and says, "Hey doc, can you get this wart off my ass?"
A lady tells her husband, "My gynecologist said I can't have sex for two weeks."
He replies, "What did your dentist say?"
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Why can't single women fart?
They don't get an asshole till they get married.
What do you call 3 black guys sky diving?
Air pollution.
Why Do Blacks Hate Country?
Every time they here Ho-Down They think someone shot their sister
Why is Apple offering a free case for all iPhone 6 buyers?
It doesn't help with reception, but protects the iPhone when you throw it against the wall after dropping another call!
What happens if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water.
Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time?
He didn't know if he was coming or going.
What's object-oriented way to become wealthy?
Inheritance.
How do you know Adam and Eve were not black?
Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man?
How many hipsters does it take to flush a toilet?
You can't touch that toilet, it's art.
What's a skunk's philosophy of life?
Eat, stink and be merry.
What do you find in a clean nose?
Fingerprints!
What did the Nickelback fan say to the other Nickelback fan when they ran out of weed?
Man, this music sucks.
Why is divorce so costly?
Because its justified, despite all the trouble.
Which is the most dangerous animal in the Northern Hemisphere?
Yak the Ripper.
What is the perfect Father's Day gift?
Taking your Mom away on a vacation with you.
Are shellfish warm?
No they re clammy.
Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
They were really pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common?
You don't look down.
How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?...... Mega-sore-ass.
Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?"
Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
How did the black guy escape from jail?
He unscrewed the light bulbs.
How do you know when an Asian has been in your house?
Your computer is updated, your math homework is finished, there's a Vietnamese whore in your bathtub with a violin up her ass (thanks to a horny Chen Li), a dog in your microwave, and the bastard is still trying to pull out of your driveway!
Why are black people so tall?
Because their knee-grows.
What did God say when he made the first black man?
"Damn, I burnt one."
What is the longest word in the English language?
Smiles: there is a mile between the first and last letters!
Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"
Do you work at a cattery?
Because I wanna be covered in pussy.
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commentator.
Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant?
The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.
What's a Mexicans' favorite sport?
Cross country.
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
It repeated on him.
What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear?
Hare today, gone tomorrow.
How do you fry a Mexican?
You turn on the fence.
What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A Fart.
It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
How did Captain Hook die?
He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!
Paddy asks Murphy, "Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the fucking boat!"
What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear?
He had his first taste of Christianity!
Would you burn your education certificate for 50 million us dollars?
Me: I will burn my certificate, I will burn the school, the nearby schools and even the ministry of education I will also burn all the textbooks.
What do women and condoms have in common?
If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.
Why do people say 'Grow some balls?'
Balls are weak and sensitive.
If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina.
Those things can take a pounding.
How do you keep 5 black guys from raping a white girl?
Throw them a basketball.
Why do black people have nice shoes and nice cars but not nice houses?
Because they haven't figured out how to steal houses yet!
Whats black on top and white on the bottom?
Rape.
Which month do soldiers hate most?
March!
What do you call a pool filled with Black People?
Coco Puffs.
Why do Mexicans walk around the school like they own the place?
Cause there dad built it and there mom cleans it at night.
What does Barbie use as a tampon?
A Tic-Tac.
Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a balanced meal.
How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire?
Three, One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
The taxidermist only takes the skin.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical?
They have strong internal controls.
What's the Australian Male's idea of foreplay?
"Brace yourself, Sheila."
What did the rabbit bride get on her wedding day?
A forty-carrot wedding ring.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with strawberry soda?
A berry bubbly bunny.
What's a teddy bears favourite pasta?
Tagliateddy.
What was Hitler's favorite toy as a kid?
An Easy-Bake Oven.
A bloke asks his mate "do you ever talk to your wife during sex ?"
His mate replies "yeah, if she calls."
Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at McDonald's?
It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday.
What's the difference between a white naked woman and a black naked woman?
The white girl is seen in Playboy and the black chick is seen on National Geographic.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
What do u call a Mexican getting baptized?
Bean dip.
Why is it good to have a Jewish car?
It can stop on a dime, and pick it up for you too!
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!
What 80's rock band is banned from New Orleans and why?
The Scorpions. Every time they're in town, they rock you like a hurricane.
How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider
How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to start the November 5th bonfire?
Zero Microsoft declares darkness to be a new standard.
What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh?
Net Present Value.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.
Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.
Sunday school teacher asks Johnny, "Come now, Little Johnny, tell me the truth, do you say your prayers before eating?"
Little Johnny smiles proudly, "No Miss, there's no need, my mom cooks really well."
Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen?
O2.zip
How do you starve a black person?
Put their food stamps under a job application.
How do you know when you are getting old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her feet.
Why do women make better soldiers?
Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats?
A total waste of space!
Why do white people have pets?
Because the aren't allowed black people anymore...
What does it mean when you see a bunch of black men running in one direction?
"A Jail break"
What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common?
After a night of visiting children, they both have empty sacks.
Why do ghetto people always name their kids things they can't afford like Diamond, Mercedes, Car Insurance?
How do you know if you've walked into the wrong Chinese bookstore?
It'll be called "Wong Fook Hing Book Store".
What do you call a old snowman?
Water.
What did Zimbabweans have before candles?
Electricity.
Do you remember how everyone was trying to kill Osama Bin Laden?
Well, since all of our presidents seem to get shot, why we just didn't make Bin Laden president.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Did you hear about the cannibal who joined the police force?
He said he wanted to grill his suspects.
Did I tell you the joke about my dick?
Never mind its too long.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes on them?
So that when they come into port, they can Scandinavian.
Taylor swift: so he calls me up and he's all like "I still love you" and I'm like...
Wait, is this Connor, Patrick, Joe, Luca, Taylor, John, Cory, Toby, Jake, Garret, Eddie, or Harry?
"Wow, look at that! Isn't it beautiful? Let's destroy it."
-People
Why did Osama Bin Laden kill his wife?
When she spread her legs he saw bush.
Why are black people and vending machines the same?
Because they both don't work and they both steal your money.
What is Snoop Dog's favorite weather?
Drizzle
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
The lid said, "Twist to open."
What did the elephant say to the nude man?
'It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?'
What's the difference between morbid and black humour?
Well, black humour is like 10 children in one rubbish bin, whereas morbid humour is like one child in 10 rubbish bins.
How do elephants hide in the jungle?
Paint their balls red and pretend they are cherries!
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys eating cherries...
Why are rabbits like calculators?
They both multiply a lot.
What did Adam say to Eve?
'Stand back!
I don't know how big this thing gets!'
Tow millipedes went for honey moon.
The male one asked: "My darling, between which feet is your pussy, please?"
Where do cows like to ride on trains?
In the cow-boose.
Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.
What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
Fry-days.
Why was the cannibal expelled from school?
Because he kept buttering up the teacher.
Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit?
It was an inn-grown hare.
Want to make a porno?
We don't have to tape it.
What was the first word out of Adam's mouth when he first saw Eve?
Whoa man! Thus, the word "woman" was created.
What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times?
Two octopuses shaking hands.
What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days
Did you hear about the cannibal family who were caught spying by the witch-doctor?
They were given a right roasting.
How does a blonde spell farm?
E-I-E-I-O
The man comes home drunken but he goes to the piggery instead of the house.
He lies down, he takes a look at the pig, caresses it and says: "Oh, it's you, darling, naked again?"
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
What happened to the plant in math class?
It grew square roots.
Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.
How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?
When he can still step on Dolly Parton's toes.
Why do liberals travel in threes?
One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry.
What powerful reptile is found in the Sydney opera house?
The Lizard of Oz.
How many hipsters can you get into a phone booth?
One, any more and it would be too mainstream.
What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class?
I don't know, but there's probably a hipster close by.
What do you call an incestuous nephew?
An aunt-eater.
Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food?
He wanted to raised stewed beef.
What gas do snails prefer?
Shell.
What did Cinderella Dolphin where to the ball?
Glass flippers.
Why did the jellyfish's wife leave him?
He stung her into action.
What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?
Outlaws are wanted.
What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
(Try saying that fast!)
What do you call a tired cow?
Milked out.
"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?"
"Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."
What happened when the cannibal got a religion?
He only ate Catholics on Fridays!
Say, "Do I smell popcorn?" right after you fart.
So everybody takes a big whiff.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes?
She sticks it in the microwave.
What is a black persons's worst fear?
Child Support.
Teacher: Students, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Class: "Brotherly love."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's.
What do you call a Mexican rolling in sand?
A churro.
What did the black epileptic have written on his t-shirt?
"Help I'm not break dancing"
Remember when we spent money like there was no tomorrow?
Well, it's tomorrow.
What do you get when a dinosaur scores a touchdown?
A dino-score.
Are you an elevator?
Cause I wanna go down on you.
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you done?"
The three words most hated by women during sex, "Honey, I'm home!"
Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
Because no one has told him he's black.
Yo mama so stupid, I said, "Why do you have 2 quarters in your ears?"
And she said, "I am listening to 50 cent."
Why couldn't Usain Bolt listen to his music?
"Because he broke the record."
What will a giraffe do, if you spit in its face?
It will kick off your ladder...
Whats the difference in a seagull and a baby's diaper?
A seagull flits across the shore and a baby shits across the floor.
If you make a cow angry, how will she get even?
She'll cream you.
What rule could stop HIV in Africa?
Sex after dinner only.
What's the definition of a pessimist?
A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!
What do you call a black guy in a coffin?
A box of chocolate.
What do your parents' car and testicles have in common?
Hit either one of them and you're grounded.
What did the vagina say to the penis.
So do you cum here often.
Did you ever notice:
Everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B".
Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Petticoat, panties, pussy...
That's origin of "BP"!
What do you call a rabbit who is real cool?
A hip hopper.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda d to its every whim.
You know that awesome feeling, when you finally understand math?
Me neither.
What's the difference between 'Oooh!' and 'Aaah!'?
About three inches.
Men are born between the legs of women and spend all their life trying to get back between them. Why?
Theres no place like home ...
I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me.
I mean, what the shit happened on the ninth of November anyway?
Doctor: "And how is it going with your old ailment, Mr Smith?"
Patient: "Very well, I've been divorced for half a year now."
What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.
Did you hear about the cannibal who committed suicide?
He got himself into a real stew.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
How do you find the population of a Mexican village?
Roll a quarter down the street.r
How do you stop an Iraqi tank?
"Just shoot the guy that's pushing it!"
What happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend a blow-job while he was driving?
They both fell off the motorcycle.
What's the rudest type of Elf?
The GofuckyoursElf.
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.
What are the most athletic rodents?
Track and field mice.
Where do steers go to dance?
To the Meat Ball.
What is a chameleon's motto?
A change is as good as a rest.
What's the definition of a nervous breakdown?
A chameleon on a tartan rug.
Did you hear about the horse with the negative altitude?
He always said "Neigh"
Why was the skunk angry?
He was incensed.
What's the distinction between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you dispose of the entire prick.
Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On their bunnymoon.
Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant?
He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.
What is the definition of "derange"?
De place where de cowboys ride.
"Why do you keep going back to that fishing website?"
"I can't help it, I'm hooked."
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?
On squid row.
What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away.
If a hungry shark is after you, what should you feed it?
Jawbreakers.
What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A harenet.
What kind of cars do rabbits drive?
Hop rods.
How many Apple Iphone 6 early adopters does it take to change a light bulb?
3001. 1 to do the work and 3000 to go online and bitch about the lack of obscure features!
Have you heard about the Viagra computer virus?
It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.
Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains.
How does a girl from Harlem practice safe sex?
She locks the car doors.
Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
What's a man's definition of safe sex?
Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.
Woman to doctor: 'Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
Doctor: 'And what are you taking for it?' Woman: 'Pepper.'
What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
Claws.
Why did the indecisive chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side... er, no... to go shopping... no, not that either... damn it!
If kim kardashian was a donut wat kind would she be?
Chocolate filled.
Mother, "Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you'll get kids who will be very naughty to you!"
Johnny, "Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, haven't you?"
Did you hear her eyes were blue?
Yeah, one blew this way, one blew that way...
What do you call men who use the pull out method?
Fathers.
What's the difference between Batman and a Black man?
Batman can go to the store without robin.
What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float?
You turn on the lights and shoot the black people stealing it.
What's the similarity between a woman and dog poop?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Why do black people have white hands?
They were up against the wall when God spray painted them!
Why do Mexicans cross the border in pairs?
Because it says "No Tres-Passing"
How do you steal a Mexicans home?
Hook it up to your truck and drive off.
What do you call one black on the moon? Problem.
What do you call ten blacks on the moon? Problems.
What do you call the entire black population on the moon? Problem solved.
What do you get if you cross a zebra with an ape man?
Tarzan stripes forever.
How do you tell an introverted computer scientist from an extroverted computer scientist?
An extroverted computer scientist looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
What's the difference between a black fairy tale and a white one?
White one starts like "once upon a time" Black one starts like " y'all muthafuckas gotta here dis"
Why don't Canadians have group sex?
Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.
Did you hear the NFL is changing the color off the football to green?
Yeah, you ever hear of a black person dropping a watermelon?
Which is better, being born black or gay?
Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.
Why did Beyonce sing 'to the left', 'to the left'?
Because black people have no rights...
What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?
The Hanger.
What's funnier than cancer?
Most things, really.
Why is the position 69 like driving car in a rush hour traffic?
Cause asshole is always in front of you.
What did one math book say to the other math book?
"I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"
What do you call an African-American whose spouse just died?
A black widow.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
We killed the only one with a dream.
How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, "I cannot hide the fact that your are very ill, my man. Is there any one you would like to see?".
"Yes," replied the patient faintly, "Another doctor".
Why did the blonde go to KFC?
She heard she could get a pair of breasts for $1.99.
What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?
Reptiles.
How do you go about hiring a horse?
Try two pairs of stilts!
What kind of money do polar bears use?
Ice lolly.
What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?
They were very impressed.
Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives.
What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?
A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.
What is the difference between an pilot and a pig?
The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.
What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
Why, shortbread of course!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What has a hundred balls and fucks old women?
Bingo!
What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
Fucks Funny!
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!
What is Father Christmas's tax status?
Elf-employed.
What's the difference between a sex night with the husband and one with the true love?
About a half an hour...
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.
How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
All your tic tacks are gone.
Why is there no gambling in Africa?
-Too many Cheetahs!
How many civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes on November 5th?
Twenty, One to strike the match and nineteen to fill in the paper work.
What happened to the man who tried to cross a lion with a goat?
He had to get a new goat.
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving?
The cop!
A really bad impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the wrong face?"
What does an octopus wear on a cold day?
A coat of arms.
What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.
On the beach, how can you recognise a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll?
He doesn't stare at the bikinis, he stares at the beach balls.
Why was the horseman fired from his job of saddle testing?
He was always standing up on the job!
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A bird who knocks before delivering its message !
What are the spots on black-and-white cows?
Holstaines.
What do you call the reindeer with one eye higher than the other?
Isaiah.
What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
What did the male squirrel say when the female attacked him...
Get away from my nuts.
What is the best advice to give a worm?
Sleep late.
What's black and white, stinks and hangs from a line?
A drip dry skunk.
Which rabbit was in Western movies?
Hopalong Cassidy.
Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory?
Alike did was stand around making faces.
What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off?
I'll get you next slime.
How do you know you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
When the cake jumps out of the girl!
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges?
He's the Easter Bungee.
How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
Look for gray hares.
Why couldn't the rabbit fly home for Easter?
He didn't have the hare fare.
If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get?
Half and half.
Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping?
Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck.
Does a dolphin ever do something by accident?
No, they do everything on porpoise.
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
He prawned everything.
What do you call a poodle with no legs?
A sponge.
What does a man call true love?
An erection.
What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A little bear.
I walked into the computer repair place with my broken Macintosh computer.
I looked at the stack of them on the rack and said, 'What's that, Broke Mac Mountain?'
How can you tell she's a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.
According to Apple what is the leading cause of iphone 6 overheating?
Downloading images of Candice Swanepoel.
What is a cursor?
Someone having computer problems.
What happened when a cannibal went on a self-catering holiday?
He ate himself.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
HIGH-Definition.
Did you hear that joke about the infinite line?
Don't worry, It doesn't have a point!
Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
Why was the Blonde's bellybutton bruised?
Her husband was a blonde too!
Wanna know Victoria's Secret?
She has a penis.
Why do men like having sex with the lights on?
It makes it easier to put a name to the face.
How do men define a long-term relationship?
A second date.
What does a Jew get when he walks into a wall with a boner?
A broken nose.
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.
What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
Mmmm, sandwiches!
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house?
The whole vibe was anything ghost.
I have joy in my heart and a glass of wine in my hand.
Coincidence?
What's the best thing about a Siamese twin baby?
Threesomes.
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth.
Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette?
He didn't have enough money tabaccer!
Why did the skunk buy four boxes of tissues?
Because he had a stinking cold.
What weighs 35 tons, has four fuzzy ears and is 80 million years old?
Two rabbits riding a brontosaurus.
What happened to the skunk who failed his swimming lesson?
He stank to the bottom of the pool.
What do you do when two snails have a fight?
Leave them to slug it out.
How does a group of dolphin's make a decision?
Flipper coin.
Who held the baby octopus to ransom?
Squidnappers.
What do you call a dumb bunny?
A hare brain.
What do you call someone who sticks his right hand in shark's mouths?
Lefty.
Why is polar bear cheap to have as a pet?
It lives on ice.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
See ya next month.
Why is the old, worn out horse named Flattery?
Because it gets you nowhere.
How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
The hero always gets his man in the end.
What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?
Wheeeee.
Did you hear about the race horse that was so late coming in?
They had to pay the jockey overtime!
What's a rabbits favourite car?
Any make, just as long it's a hutchback.
Do you know what would be sick?
If you sat in Santa's lap and you felt him get a boner.
Do you know what would be even worse?
If he stood up and you were still sitting in his lap.
Why are guys like microwavable meals?
They're both done in 30 seconds.
Mexicans cross the border 1...2...and 4 at one time, never 3. why?
Because the sign says - no tres passing.
A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, "I want to call my little baby Ellie."
Nurse replies, "I'm sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?"
What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common?
Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.
In what way are Democrats more generous than Republicans?
Unlike Republicans, Democrats are not only generous with their own money, but also with other people's money.
Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn't have a Flash player installed!
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.
Teacher: To which family does the elephant belong?
Pupil: I don't know, nobody I know owns one!
What's a skunk's favourite game in school?
Show and smell.
What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 lawyer, and you had a gun with only two bullets?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
Forget-me-nuts.
How do you get a baby to run faster?
Chase it with the lawn mower.
Guy comes up the hill, look up to the sky and yells, "God, I want to hear your opinion! Is Facebook harmful?"
And response from heaven, "A moment, I just finish this status.."
Why do guys think more then girls, and why do girls talk more then guys?
Because guys have two heads and girls have two sets of lips.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide?
He didn't even leave a note.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore!
What do you get if you cross a Kindle with an Apple iPhone 4S?
4Skin.
What do you call a smart blonde?
Bigfoot, because they don't exist.
What did the blanket say to the bed?
Don't worry I've got you covered!
Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
Because when their balls fall over their assholes, they vapor-lock.
Why do blondes like blonde jokes?
'Cause they make them feel famous!
Are you a candle?
Because I want to blow you.
Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
He said, "So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."
Do you believe in love at first set?
Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?
What happens when a dwarf runs between a girls legs?
He gets a clit around the head and a flap on the face.
Hey, what's the Jew doing in the ashtray?
Family research.
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur traders.
What is something nine out of ten people enjoy?
Gang rape.
Girl: "Do you believe in puppy love?"
Boy: "I tried it once, but their assholes are too small."
How many cops does it take to arrest a Mexican?
Eight. One to carry him, the rest to carry his oranges.
Whats the second thing that's hard in the morning? waking up!
How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
What did the little black boy say as he was sliding down a zebra?
Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't...
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners?
A zipper!
Why shouldn't white people go swimming?
Because crackers get soggy when wet.
What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk?
"I set WHO free?"
What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?
A Saddle Light Dish.
What is a man's definition of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
Too stupid to understand science?
Try religion!
What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour
How do you make a snooker table laugh.
Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.
Man to woman: 'Tell me, after having sex do you ever smoke?'
Woman: 'I've never looked.'
What do you call a black woman who got an abortion?
A member of crimestoppers of America.
What do a rattlesnake and a soft penis have in common?
You can't fuck with either one.
What are three things you can't give a black person?
A black eye, a fat lip and a job.
Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
Went around blowing fuses.
First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them?
Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.
How much money did the bronco have?
Only a buck!
What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan?
Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.
The black guy I was walking behind stopped, turned and asked "Are you following me?"
"No", I said "You've got evolution all mixed up."
What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jelly beans?
The black ones steal your watch and rings.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
A URLologist.
What is the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't shoot down your throat at 40 miles per hour.
What happened to the lizard in the wizard's garden pond?
He had him newt-ered.
What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn?
A Moles Royce.
Why was the young kangaroo thrown out by his mother?
For smoking in bed.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A stripey sweater.
What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
A tiger moth.
How do you describe 3 prostitutes and a blonde?
Ho, Ho, Ho, and to all a good night.
Did you hear about the horse that has made a dozen films?
He's not a star though, he just does bit parts!
Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but oats every day?
He fell in love with the Grand National winner!
Did you hear about the man who named his horse Radish?
Did you hear about the man with five keen senses?
He still lacked common and horse!
How are skunks able to avoid danger?
By using their instinks and common scents.
Did you hear about the hopeless athlete?
He ran a bath and came in second.
How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites?
They take a gallop poll!
What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat?
A harebrush.
What's a rabbits favorite book?
Hop on Pop.
What's a rabbits favorite movie?
Rabbits of the Lost Ark.
How do you weigh a whale?
On Whale Weigh Scales.
What's got 4 legs and bleeds?
Half a spider!
What did the calf say to the silo?
"Is my fodder in there?"
What do you call it when Miley Cyrus falls down?
Hoe-Down.
How is parsley like pubic hair?
You push it aside to eat, and sometimes it gets stuck between your teeth after meals.
Which rabbits were famous bank robbers?
Bunny and Clyde.
Do you know the joke of "no me neither"?
No.
Me neither.
How do rabbits get to work?
By rabbit transit.
How do you know when you re eating rabbit stew?
When it has hares in it.
What do cows get when they do all their chores?
Mooney.
Who robs banks and squirts ink?
Billy the Squid.
A third old woman, full of happiness, asks her granddaughter; "My sweety, remind me please.. What's the name of that German guy that blew my mind off...?"
"Alzheimer, granny!"
What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?
Deviled eggs.
What does a squid sheriff form?
An octoposse.
What's an octopuses favourite latin saying?
Squid pro quo.
What do you call a rabbit that plays with foxes?
A dumb bunny.
Did you hear about the new shark food restaurant called Jaws?
It costs an arm and a leg to eat there.
Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel Prize?
He was outstanding in his field.
What's the favourite flavour of sharks?
Shark-o-late.
What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
Hammerheads.
What do you call an ugly rabbit that sits on someone's forehead?
Unsightly facial hare.
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?
They couldn't get the moose in the oven!
What job do rabbits at hotels have?
Bellhop.
What do you call a bent iPhone 6 plus?
A dead wringer.
What is the best type of ship?
FRIENDSHIP!
Why was the man sued by his horse?
For palomino-money!
Why was the cannibal fined by the judge?
He was caught poaching.
Why did the cannibal live on his own?
He was fed up with other people.
How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"
First Cannibal: "Who was that girl I saw you with last night?"
Second Cannibal: "That was no girl, that was my supper."
Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
Yeah... now he has no ears.
How do you know when a blonde has a brain fart?
Her ears flap.
What is a black cat's favorite color?
Purrrrrr-ple!
Where do rabbits settle their legal disputes?
In a pellet court!
A lawyer is paid £950 in new bills but, on counting the money, he discovers that two notes have stuck together and he's been overpaid by £50.
This leaves him with an ethical dilemma – should he tell his partner?
If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the movie be called?
Loch Jaws.
How do you fix a broken website?
With stick e-tape.
What do you call a black guy that doesn't rape white women?
An inmate.
What's long, hard, and shoots sticky white stuff?
A penis. What were you thinking you clean minded bastard.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Why did the student eat his homework?
Because his teacher said, it was a peace of cake.
What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa?
A good start.
What is the difference between a Mexican and a book?
A book has papers.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.
What is the difference between a black monopoly board and a white one.
The black on you roll any number and you go to jail.
What concert costs only 45 cents?
50cent featuring Nickelback.
What do you call a truck full of dildos?
Toys for Twats.
What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A baby in a microwave.
Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E?
Because Santa had said, "No L!"
Whats the similarity between getting a blowjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ?
In both cases you really don't want to look down !
What do a toilet and a woman have in common?
Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Why do so many gays have mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.
Why is it hard for a blonde to count to 70?
Because 69 is such a mouthful.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Make choking noises...
What do dogs and women have in common?
They both like 12-inch bones.
Where's the safest place to be when a bunch of white guys are playing basketball?
Under the Hoop
What did the red light say to the green light?
Don't look I'm changing!
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
"We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!"
Why do black people lean to the center of their car?
"They think the smell is coming from the outside."
How do you fuck a fat chick?
Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
What did the spider do on the computer?
Made a website!
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Why can't girls play hockey?
Because their pads can't last three periods.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?
Having two legs.
My friend's dad went to Hungary.
I asked her, "Was your dad hungry in Hungary?"
What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
Playtex.
What's 72?
69 with 3 people watching!
Why don't lobsters share?
They re shellfish.
What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around?
Dead Siri-ous.
How do you hire a horse?
Put a brick under each hoof!
What did the cannibal say when he was full?
I couldn't eat another mortal.
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's vagina?
Putting in twelve and sucking out thirteen.
What do you call a fire at the Internet cafe?
An e-mergency.
How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.
Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?
Michael Jackson
A little boy asks his Mum "why am I black and you are white ?"
"Don't even ask," she replies "when I think back to that party... you are lucky that you not bark !"
Which traffic sign allows you to make a U-turn on a highway in Finland?
You are approaching the Russian border.
What do you call an owl magician? HOOOOOdini.
What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's...
Why do you never see zebras or antelopes at Victoria Station?
Because it's a mane-lion station.
What do you call a show full of lions?
The mane event.
Why are we so sure that Eve was African?
If she were white, she wouldn't have eaten that apple!
She would say, "Is this organic? What would Oprah do?"
If she had been Asian, she'd have eaten the damn snake!
How come there aren't that many jokes about Jim Jones?
The punchlines are too long.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."
The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
What did the big angel say to the little angel on Christmas Eve?
"Halo there!"
Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.
How did the instructor try to make horse riding enjoyable?
He tried to stirrup some interest!
What did the judge say when the skunk was on trial?
Odour in court.
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.
What did one skunk say to another?
And so do you.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?
She was charged with rustling!
Why should you never set the turkey next to the desert?
Because he will gobble, gobble it up!
How did Nikki Minaj know what Lil Wayne is giving her for Christmas?
Lil Wayne isn't very good at wrapping.
"Waiter, what is this hare doing in my salad?"
"I believe he's eating your lettuce."
What do you call a neurotic octopus?
A crazy, mixed-up squid.
What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do.
What do you call a sleepy Easter egg?
Egg-zosted!
What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievement?
An IN-body experience!
How should you treat a baby goat?
Like a kid.
What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a children's playground!
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!
Why did the blonde speed on the highway?
Because she thought the cars behind her where chasing her!!!!
Why do polo bears like bald men?
Because they have a great, white, bear place.
What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin.
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A dic-tater.
Why was the lion-tamer fined?
He parked on a yellow lion.
How does a blonde order a root beer?
Extra large, hold the roots.
What do tigers wear in bed?
Stripey pyjamas.
What are the hottest days during summer?
Sun-days
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
"Professional courtesy."
What's a rabbits favorite musical?
Hare.
What's the fastest way to send a rabbit?
Haremail.
When do rabbits have buck teeth?
When their parents won't get them braces.
When does a rabbit go exactly as fast as a train?
When it's on the train.
Which rabbit stole from the rich to give to the poor?
Rabbit Hood.
What did the slug say as he slipped down the window very fast?
How slime flies.
Why are rabbits never gold?
How would you tell them apart from goldfish?
How do snails get their shells all shiny?
They use snail polish.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end?
It was won by a hare.
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion?
It had a lot of hare pins.
Why did the rabbits go on strike?
They wanted a better celery.
Why did the dolphin feel crabby?
Because he ate too many crabs.
Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor?
For hare care.
What happened to the cold jellyfish?
It set.
What book did the rabbit take on vacation?
One with a hoppy ending.
What do you call a rabbit who works in a bakery?
A yeaster bunny.
What do you call an affectionate rabbit?
A tender, loving hare.
Where do sharks come from?
Sharkago.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a boy scout?
A boyscout who helps little old ladies hop across the street.
Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret?
He was a blubber mouth.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
What do spiders like to order at a fast food restaurant?
Burgers and flies.
What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.
What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.
What happened to Jesus when he said "Catch me outside, how bout dat"?
He got crucified
What is the geographical definition of sex?
It is an action done by the Poland in the Holland between the Thailand with the little help of Greece.
What do cows read at the breakfast table?
The moospaper.
What's the king of the pencil case?
The ruler.
"Why can't you play cards in the jungle?"
"Because theres to many cheetahs."
Are you a shark?
Cause I've got some swimmers for you to swallow.
How do Chinese people name their kids?
Throw a spoon down the stairs.
CHING CHANG CHONG TING.
What's the only thing white girls swallow?
Starbucks.
Why is Al Qaeda more compassionate than pro-lifers?
The 9/11 hijackers got to die instantly.
What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler!
Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They're going to call her Old Spice.
What do you call a sex-crazed gay cannibal?
A head hunter!
How can you tell a head nurse?
She's the one with the dirty knees!
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do elves get?
Mistle-toes!
What do you get when you mix chocolate and Viagra?
Oooh - Henry!
Why was the BLIND blonde sitting on newspaper?
So she can lip read.
What is a bunny's favorite music?
Hip-hop.
How many Mexicans does it take to knock out paquiao?
Only Juan.
What happens if you download the Princess Diana screensaver application?
Your iphone will keep crashing!
What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek" Who wrote it?
Major Bumsore.
What do you call a fried potato in your pants?
Dick-tator.
What do you call a flying skunk?
A smellicopter.
Where do you go if you become 'at one' with your computer?
Nerdvana.
What's the difference between cats and dogs?
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
It was tough for me, got caught up: cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town.
What I'm trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hell for me, alright?
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?
simple
it is just a formality like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!!
Doctor: "Tell your wife not to worry about the slight deafness. It is only an indication of old age."
Husband: "Doctor, would you yourself please tell this to her?"
Why are little girls better than little boys?
Because when you're finished using them as little girls, you can turn them over and use them as little boys.
Why did Rosa Parks die?
She refused to go to the back of the ambulance!
When will scientists cure the common cold?
Actually, they already did but Republican pharmacists won't dispense it because they mistook it for birth control.
What is the shortest mathematicians joke?
Let epsilon be smaller than zero.
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand.
What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A polo bear.
What do you get from a cowmedian?
Cream of Wit.
How does herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches.
What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.
What's the important part of a horse?
The mane part.
Why did the horses kept saying orange juice?
Because a filly gulped to much orange juice that she turned orange!
What do you call a computer that takes 15 minutes to start, freezes if you try to do more than one thing at a time, crashes regularly and causes you to swear under your breath throughout the day?
Cutting edge.
What do Barbie and Paris Hilton have in common?
Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
What does a cannibal eat with cheese?
Pickled organs.
Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has 4 rabbits feet.
Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for rubbish and blubber?
The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.
What did the baby dolphin do when he didn't get his way?
He whale-d.
What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?
Rhesus Pieces.
How many French men does it take to defend the city of Paris?
Don't know...its never been done.
Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-day!
What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper?
A slippery customer.
I know when god becomes angry.
When teenage girls get pregnant and their parents exclaim, "Oh god! What have you done?!"
In the Navy, how do they separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.
What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?
In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
HOW did an Intelligent BOY PROPOSE to a Girl.
He TOOK the Girl ALONG with him on a BOAT and in the MIDDLE of River said: "LOVE ME or LEAVE the BOAT."
Why did God give women legs?
So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
What's the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?
One's a glueless kit and the other's a clueless git!
Why does ET have such big eyes?
He saw the phone bill.
Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.
What is a bear's favourite drink?
Koka-Koala.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
When his hand caught fire.
Why don't blondes like to breastfeed their babies?
It hurts to boil their nipples!
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed.
Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain?
Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!
What kind of food do maths teachers eat? Square meals!
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honour.
What's the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead?
Depth perception.
What happened when the shark became famous?
He turned into a starfish.
Man: When I bend my arm like this it hurts?
Doctor: Well, stop doing it!
Why did the referee have such a high phone bill?
Because he made to many calls!
How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth?
With a blender.
How do you get them out?
Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.
Why did Hitler go to the eye doctor?
Because he can Nazi.
Why did the semen cross the road?
Because I wore the wrong sock today.
How did the tugboat get AIDS?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.
What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib ?
A Pedophiles ass.
Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.
What's the warmest organ in a dead woman's body?
My dick.
What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day?
After a week he was spotless.
What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt?
Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
How do you get a blonde to drown?
Put a scratch and sniff on the showerhead.
What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
What's green and sits in the corner?
That same baby three weeks later.
Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge?
For people who don't drink.
Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't tell the difference between his two horses?
His friend suggested measuring them, that didn't help though, the Irishman discovered that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the white one!
Teacher: "How can you prove the Earth is round?"
Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
Did you hear about the gay French General?
He blew Napoleon's Bonaparte!
Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldn't put three W's in a row.
What's faster than a black guy running with a TV?
His brother with the DVD player.
What do you call 35,000 men with their hands up?
"Iraqi Army."
How much do I owe Yo' Mama?
My dog came home happy last night.
"What is the thickest book in the world?
What Men Think They Know About Women."
"What is love, at last?" asks the dentist.
And the cardiologist: "Love is a toothache.. but inside the heart!"
Did you hear about the midget that went into the whorehouse?
He got a twat in the face.
What has ten letters and starts with gas?
An automobile.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
Wanna party with me like you just don't care?
Put your hand up 45° in the air!
They say sex is a killer...
Do you want to die happy?
What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher?
They both got fired.
Did you hear about the music app that is preloaded on every iPhone 6 plus?
GarageBend.
What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
Potpourri.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up?
Because I'd gladly put my meat inside you.
What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?
A real Christmas Card!
No time for gym?
Please tell me how you watch 3 hours of TV every night.
What do you get if you cross an iPhone and a fridge?
Cool music.
How many skunks do you need to make a house really smelly?
Just a phew.
What is the slowest racehorse in the world?
A clotheshorse.
How do you make a small fortune out of horses?
Start off with a large fortune!
How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse?
Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its ass chewed!
What do nostalgic gynaecologists do?
Look up old friends.
What is a buttress?
A female goat.
What do you call a lion wearing a cravat and a flower in its mane?
A dandy lion.
What is the fiercest flower in the garden?
The tiger lily.
What is the noisiest game?
Squash – because you can't play it without raising a racquet!
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a dinosaur?
A stinkasaurus.
How can you tell when a skunk is angry?
It raises a stink.
When should you feel sorry for a skunk?
When its spray pump is out of order!.
Did you hear about the skunk who sat on a fan?
He got cut off without a scent.
"May I buy half a rabbit?"
"No, we don't split hares."
The mouse and the elephant pas together over a bridge, very proud the mouse says:
Do you hear how the bridge vibrates under OUR footsteps?
What kind of a car does a proctologist drive?
A brown Probe!
Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming?
He was a card shark.
What do you call the everyday routines of rabbits?
Rabbits habits.
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man.
What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
Speed bumps.
Why is there always hot water at childbirth?
In case of a stillbirth, soup.
What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar?
He got bombed.
What do you call 1/4 of the black population on the moon?
problem
what do you call 1/2 of the black population on the moon?
problem
what do you call 3/4 of the black population on the moon?
problem
what do you call all of the blacks on the moon?
PROBLEM SOLVED!
What do you get when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
Dough Nuts!
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.
How are babies and the elderly alike?
Both are fun to throw out of moving cars.
What do you call ten million black people jumping out of a plane?
Night time.
What did the customer say to the pet shop assistant after buying a bunny?
Rabbit up nicely, it's a gift.
What does an octopus take on a camping trip?
Tentacles.
How are vending machines and black men similar?
They don't work but they take your money.
Why was the math textbook so sad?
He had a lot of problems!
Why don't little girls fart?
Because they don't get assholes until they're married.
Why did Beyonce sing 'to the left', 'to the left'?
- Because black people have no rights..
What do you do if you see your TV floating?
Say " DROP IT NIGGA".
What do you do if you see you refrigerator floating?
Run because that is one hell of a big black guy!
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What would you get if you crossed a grizzly with the world's greatest basketball player?
Bear Jordan.
How can you tell if a porno was made in the 70's?
The guys' schlongs have sideburns!
What leads most people into debt?
Trying to catch up with people who are already there.
He: So then, what's your sign?
She: Dollar.
How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
Use a blender!
How big is a Republican-size bed?
Wide enough for the man, the woman, and the ten-foot pole.
What's the fastest thing in the world?
A beer truck driving through an Indian reserve.
What's the second fastest thing in the world?
The Indians running after it.
What do you call an easy-going rabbit?
Hoppy-go-lucky.
Why did the gray whale go on a diet?
Because he wasn't a Fin whale.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
A black third grader goes to his mom and asks, '"Mom, I have the biggest dick in the third grade. Is that because I'm black?"
And she responds, "No nigga, it's because you're nineteen!"
"I'd like to seek divorce. My wife hasn't spoken with me more than half year."
"Are you stupid? It's a dream of every man."
What is the same with spreading butter on a toast and getting a woman to spread her legs?
It is possible with a credit card, but much easier with a knife.
What's better than 10 dead babies in 1 bag?
1 dead baby in 10 bags.
Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.
What goes stop, go, stop, go, stop, go?
A blonde at a flashing red light!
How does the LAPD play poker?
Four clubs beat a king.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
What did Obi Wan say when Luke was constipated?
"Use the F-O-R-C-E Luke!"
What do you call an abortion in Czechslovakia?
A cancelled Czech!
What do you call a smart blonde?
There is only two simple little words to describe this joke and that is: A miracle
Where are you going for vacation this year?
I checked my budget and decided that I didn't get tired.
How do you make a dog go 'miaow'?
Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a band saw...
What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float?
You turn on the lights and shoot the black guy stealing it.
Did you hear about the black guy that died on the highway?
He stuck his head out the window and his lips beat him to death.
Do you know how Chinese people name their children?
They throw some pans and based on the noises they make like "ting tang," "Dung dung," "Ting tang dung"
Why don't all the managers go into holiday at once?
So people can't see that the company works without them..
What did the mama bear say to her cub?
"Don't go out in your bear feet!"
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
What happens when you feed gun powder to a chicken?
Egg-splosion
What's the difference between a leprechaun and gonorrhea?
One's a cunning runt.
Why is it difficult to identify horses from the back?
They re always switching their tails.
The Boyfriend says to his blonde girlfriend, "Look!
A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up in the sky and says "Where?"
Oh, you play racquetball?
You must be extremely athletic.
Why don't some teachers like to break wind in public?
Because they're private tooters.
Little Johnny: "Mom, can I get a dog at Christmas, please?"
Mother: "No, you'll be getting turkey, like every year!"
- "Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school"?
- "No, I had sex in high school."
Doctor, doctor, should I surf the Internet on an empty stomach?
No, you should do it on a computer.
What is 6 inches long, hard, goes into your mouth back and fourth, and has white stuff at the end.
A toothbrush with toothpaste
What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
Teacher: "If you bought 8 hotdogs,9 cheese burgers and 7 fillet o fishes and you ate 8 hotdogs 9 cheese burger and 7 fillet o fish what do you have at the end?"
Little Johnny: "A bad blatter issue."
What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child.
What has four legs but can't walk?
A chair.
Why do orphans like playing tennis?
Because it's the only love they get.
How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf?
He became a vegetarian.
What famous painting do cows love to look at?
The Moona Lisa.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
What is worse than waking up the morning after an orgy with pubic hair in your teeth?
Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.
"How are your hemorrhoids?"
"Swell."
Did you here about the man that died from eating Rocky Mountain Oysters?
The bull must have drug him a mile!
What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?
I'll see you next period.
They put one man on the moon.
Why can't they put them all there?
Why was the IT support worker bad-tempered?
Because he had a chip on his shoulder.
What do Mario LeMieux and Courtney Love have in common?
They both shower after three periods!
What do you get when you cross a retard with a gang banger?
Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Why are constipated folks unkind and rude?
Cause they don't give a crap!
What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before?
Deja phew.
What do women and Slinkies have in common?
Not really too much, but you can't help but crack a smile when one tumbles down the stairs.
What do u call a bunch of black buried up to their heads in dirt?
Afro turf.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
What's the difference between a pigeon and a tramp?
The pigeon can put a deposit on a Porsche.
What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
Spring time.
What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
The hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever.
What do you get when you eat a prune pizza?
Pizzeria!
What's the difference between an apple and a black man?
None!
They both hang from trees.
What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
What's the good part of there being no blacks on the Jetsons?
It means the future will be great!
What is the difference between a joystick and a man's dick?
A joystick does its job.
How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark?
He sticks his nose in the animal's ass. If there's a place for his tongue, it's a cow.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
Where do Danish cows come from?
Cowpenhagenf.
How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk?
A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant.
Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?
He was a rough rider!
Did you hear about the argumentative skunk?
He always liked to make a stink.
Why do elephants squirt water through their noses?
If they squirted it through their tails, it'd be very difficult to aim.
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Why did the teacher jump into the lake?
Because she wanted to test the waters!
What do cows like to listen to?
Moo-sic.
What do cows usually fly around in?
Helicowpters and Bulloons.
What do rabbits put in their computers?
Hoppy disks.
What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
They go sharkers.
What do you call a mobile homes for rabbits?
Wheelburrows.
What do you call rubber bumpers on yachts?
Shark absorbers.
What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon?
A hare dare.
How do you know when a crab is drunk?
It walks forwards.
What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A harenet.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, the woman will ask for directions.
Why did the whale like the diver?
Because he had flippers.
What kind of whale flies?
Pilot whales.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.
What do you call a cow that fell in a hole?
A hole-y Cow.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequila
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
How is a soy burger like a dildo?
They're both substitutes for meat.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elkaseltzer.
Why was the horse all charged up?
It ate some haywire!
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What do Scientists have for snacks?
Micro-chips.
What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
Her parents named her Cindy so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits home?
A search warren.
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke?
This one will sleigh you.
Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
Because they are both tail bearers.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What's a rabbits favorite TV show?
Hoppy Days.
How is a police car like a women?
It flashes and It usually has a dick in it.
What is the most famous shark?
William Sharkspeare.
Did you hear about the transvestite who wanted a night on the town?
He wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.
What do you call two blacks on one bike?
Organized crime!
How did Barack propose to Michelle?
He got on one knee, pulled out a ring, and said "I don't wanna be obamaself."
How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
When you open her legs, the lights go on.
What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob.
When is a lion not a lion?
When he turns into his cage.
Why is it so sad that Steve Jobs died?
Everyone at Apple are crying their's out!
How do you lead a horse to water?
With lots of carrots.
Jesus walks into a hotel, rings the bell, and waits for the receptionist to come out.
He looks her dead in the eye, slams three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
What's red, sits in front of a mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A vain idiot combing his hair with a potato peeler.
Where does an Irish family go on holiday?
A different bar.
What's grosser than gross?
A bloody mary with curly, brittle hairs in it!
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.
I've just come into some money.
I wonder if they'll still accept it at the shop?
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection?
An itchy, twitchy twat!
What did the volcano say to the other volcano?
Stop erupting me.
Patient: "Doctor, I have to ask a personal question, if you don't mind. Why do you charge fees much lower than other doctors?"
Doctor: "You see, I am not a M.B.B.S. I am only a B.Sc."
Man to friend: 'My wife's a peach.' Friend: 'Because she's so soft and juicy?'
Man: 'No, because she has a heart of stone.'
What's red and sits in a corner?
A baby playing with a razor blade.
What does it look like when you microwave a baby?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
Why did God create women?
He took one look at men and said, "I know I can do better than this."
How do you make a baby drink?
Stick it in the blender.
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Why did the basketball player go to jail?
"Because he shot the ball!"
What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A blowjob with handlebars.
What's the best way to pick up a Jewish girl?
Bring a dustpan to Auschwitz
What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?
The AIDS team.
How fast can a women drive? 68 mph.
If she hits 69, she flips over and blows a rod.
What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
"First, YULE LOGon"!
What's red, white, and cries a lot?
A baby with a razor!
What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
Hello, hello.
What's the difference between my phone and Stephen Hawking?
When my phone dies, I actually give a fuck.
A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"
What are the 3 things you cannot give a black guy?
A fat lip, a black eye, or a job.
Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Because she blows the horn!
What's a mouse's favorite record?
Please cheese me!
What's three meters high and jumps every ten seconds?
A dinosaur with the hiccups.
What kind of money do marsupials use?
Pocket change!
Why did Tom come home drunk and leave his clothes on the floor?
He was in them.
Did you hear about the drunk who thought Alcoholics Anonymous meant drinking under an assumed name?
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
'Cause the cow's got the udder!
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
What king of money do fishermen make?
Net profits!
"Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?"
"Shut up and eat your corn flakes."
How are crayons like people?
No one likes the white ones.
How do you know if your wife wears tights in bed?
Her toes curl up when you screw her.
"Where are you going to take Vampira on your date?" asked one vampire.
"Oh, I thought we'd go to the movies, and then get a quick bite."
What do you get if you cross a skunk and a cartoon penguin?
Pingu-Pong.
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
What do you get when you cross a bunny with an orange?
A pip squeak.
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter.
Would a Police-Dog arrest itself for fouling the street?
Did you hear about the baby who swallowed a pin?
It was OK.
It was a safety pin.
What's the difference between a rooster and your mom?
A rooster says cockadoodledoo, Your mom says anycockledoo.
What's a rabbits favorite song?
"Hoppy Birthday to You."
What's the difference between a reindeer and a snowball?
They're both brown, except the snowball.
What do you call a one-man quickie?
A yankee.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
How do you calculate the population of Russia?
You roll a bottle of vodka down the street.
What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.
What does a skeleton say when he wants to eat?
Bone appetit!
What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
Crib death.
Teacher: "You missed school yesterday, didn't you?"
Boy: "Not a bit!"
Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!
Did you hear about the new contraceptive pill for men?
You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
Why did the frog go to the mall?
Because he wanted to go hopping.
Did you hear about the policeman who found a stolen car on Acacia Street?
He pushed it onto Park Street – he couldn't spell Acacia.
What's black and tan and looks great on a lawyer?
A Dobermann pinscher.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Why don't lawyers enjoy fishing?
Because it's too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
What's the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff and there are no survivors – that's a pity.
If there were any empty seats – that's a shame.
What's the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives?
Win the Lottery.
Why are baseball players in trouble with the law so often?
They always hit and run.
What does a drunk walrus have in common with a woman at a tupperware party?
They're both out looking for a tight seal.
What is the difference between a blonde and a pothole?
You swerve to miss a pothole!
What is the difference between a dead baby and a VHS tape?
The VHS tape don't stink when you leave it out in the sun.
How do you know when your cat's finished cleaning himself?
He's smoking a cigarette.
What did the music teacher need a ladder for?
To reach the top notes.
What kind of car does a rabbit drive?
A furrari.
What's the difference between a cook and a gay?
The cook stirs today's lunch, whereas the gay stirs yesterday's dinner.
What would a computer geek is going to do after seeing a beautiful woman?
"Immediately start downloading it."
What's red and crawls up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
What do gays call hemorrhoids ?
Speed bumps.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a table?
You can't fuck a table.
What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals?
A bus load of babies on fire.
What's a foot long, transparent and lies in the gutter.
A lawyer once the crap's been kicked out of him.
How do you join the police?
Handcuff them together.
Why did the policeman carry a pencil and a piece of very thin paper?
He wanted to trace someone.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why's a fat woman like a skateboard?
They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on one.
Why are there no zebras in Czech zoos?
Czechs and stripes don't mix.
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.
What's red and dances all around?
A baby on a barbecue
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper?
Warren.
Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
How are tigers like sergeants in the army?
They both wear stripes.
What do computers eat when they get hungry?
"Chips."
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why did god make beer?
So the Irish would not take over the world.
Where do fish keep their money?
In a river bank!
How is a man like a microwave oven?
Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
Why beer goes through your system so fast?
Because it does not have to stop to change color.
What do you give a cat for its birthday?
A catalog.
What time does Andy Murray go to his bed?
Ten-ish.
Why is manna from heaven like horse hay?
Both are food from aloft!
How do you circumcise a whale?
With four skin-divers.
What's the difference between goats and women??
Goats are always horney.
Why are men like diapers?
They are always on your ass and full of shit, and thankfully, they're disposable.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Women"?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
What does a nigress and an ice hockey player have in common?
They both change their pads after 3 periods.
What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a 'quickie' but you do it yourself.
What is a teacher's favorite kind of music?
Class-ical.
What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
Gee, we really do taste like chicken!
Why are black people, pirates?
Because they go nigarrr.
Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?
To be sure, to be sure.
What do you call of 6 year old with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor.
What was the last thing her husband said to her?
I'll feed the dog, you feed the fish.
How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.
Why did God give women belly buttons?
For somewhere to stash your gum on the way down.
How do lesbians handle their liquor?
By the ears.
(Lick her)
How do the fairy-tales of the whites and the blacks differ?
The stories of whites start: Once upon a time...
The stories of blacks start: Man, you won't believe what the fuck just happened to me...
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!
I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said, "Are you two an item?"
What's an Athlon at 1,2 GHz processor that runs for 9 minutes without a cooler called?
8.5 minutes burned processor.
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?
Oh no, not snake and pygmy pie again!
What did the Irish spinster keep saying in her prayers?
'Good Lord, please have Murphy on me...'
I've some bread dough in my pants.
Wanna see if it rises?
What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.
What's black, smells and has 17 tits?
The bin bags outside the breast cancer ward.
Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago?
Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....
What do you say to a virgin?
Thanks for nothing!
Why can't gypsies have babies?
Because their husbands have crystal balls.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
how do you keep a black person out of your backyard?
Hang one in the front.
Lady, how many sex partners have you had?
Three.. oh no, wait... nine - I have forgotten one case.
What do you call a baby on a stick?
A Kebabie.
When they get you, they have their own little signature, like Gucci or something like that.
When you walk down the street, girls will walk by, and they'll say, "Oh, that's Gladys' work, ain't it?"
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
What do you call a 900-pound woman with a yeast infection?
A whopper with cheese.
What do you call two lesbians with their period?
Finger painting.
How does a gay man fake an orgasm?
He spits on his partners back.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
Fed up with your computer winning at chess?
Try it at kick-boxing instead!
What do you call a blonde with a brain?
A golden retriever.
How do you know you're flying over the poorer part of town?
You see toilet paper hanging on the clothes lines.
What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.
What do ducks wear to party's?
A duck-sedo!
Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn.
How do you call a Triceratops with horns on his butt?
Tricera-bottoms.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What do gay kids get for Christmas?
Erection Sets.
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!
How does a blonde commit suicide?
She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out at night.
What's a blonde's favourite wine?
"Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
De-calf-i-nated.
What has a head, a tail, and no body?
A coin!
A blonde was taking a shower and her husband called in and asked "did you find the new dry hair shampoo I picked up for you?"
And the blonde replied "yes but there's a problem I already got my hair wet"
Why are tigers religious?
Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Why is money called dough?
Because we all knead it.
What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a torturer?
The torturer would apologize first.
What do you if you're trapped inside a whale?
Run round and round till you're all pooped out!
When is the best time to fake an orgasm?
When a rottweiler is humping your leg.
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
How do you guess a blonde played at you're computer?
The joystick is on the chair.
What did the baby say as I threw it in the blender?
I didn't catch it, I was too busy masturbating.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
a lickalotapus.
What did the black man do first time when they saw a ship?
They stick they're head in the water to see if it has wheels!
What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits!
What's the difference between a badger and a TV?
A lot.
Why was the hen banned from sending e-mails?
She was always using fowl language.
How do really posh dogs send messages?
By predigree-mail.
Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City?
To see who shot his "paw."
What game do 18 dogs like to play during the summer?
Woofleball
Why is a dog scared of a fire?
It doesn't want to become a hot dog.
What do you get if you cross a labrador and a tortoise?
A dog that will run to the shop to get your paper and bring back last weeks paper!
Why does the Hound of the Baskervilles turn round and round before he lies down for the night?
Because he's the watchdog and he has to wind himself up.
What do you get when you cross a Doberman with a bird?
A Doberman fincher!
What dog rides a horse named Macaroni?
Yankee poodle!
What is the best way to follow a lost dog's paw prints?
With a track-tor!
How can if you have a stupid dog?
It chases parked cars!
When George Washington was a general, why did he like to have dogs around?
They were very helpful during the "Roverlutionary War!"
What kind of modeling clay does a dog use?
Fi-Do!
How many hairs are in a dog's tail?
None.
They are all on the outside.
Where will a springer spaniel never shop?
At a flea market!
What is your dog's favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs!
How do you make a dog float?
Take two scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.
If a beagle can't play a bugle in the marching band, what's his other favorite instrument to play?
A trombone.
What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner?
Have a short table!
What dog sweats the most and drinks the most water?
A hot-weiler!
How can you make a basset hound fast?
Take away its food!
What dogs never get lost?
Newfound-lands!
When are Pomeranians good at taking photographs?
Only when they snap at something!
What dog always gets on everyone's nerves?
A great pane!
What dog do other dogs tell their problems to?
A complaint Bernard!
What kind of dog is the smartest?
A great brain!
What dog would you want on your American football team?
A golden receiver!
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
Terrier-fied!
What dog do other dogs go to when they are sick?
A docs-hund!
What do you get when you cross a collie with a trumpet?
A Lassie who plays brassie!
What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at a busy intersection?
A pointer!
What kind of dog doesn't do well in hot weather?
A faint Bernard!
What do you get when you cross a sled dog with an elephant?
A tusky!
What dog wears a white coat and does science experiments?
Labs!
What kind of dog can tell time?
A clockshund!
What kind of dog always needs a shave?
A bearded collie!
What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no hair?
A bald beagle!
What kind of dog is the most colorful?
A paint Bernard!
What dog is always tired in London?
An English sleep dog.
What is a collie puppy's favorite toy?
A chew-chew train!
What kind of dog can you best see in the dark?
A glowberman pinscher!
What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball?
The Philadelphia Beagles!
What is the only breed of dog a boxer is afraid of?
A Doberman puncher!
What artistic dog chews a lot and follows the rules of the farm where it lives?
A Chihuahua that can draw and gnaw while obeying the law and lying on straw!
What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions?
A Chihuahua, because it knows all the shortcuts!
Where do you take a Chihuahua that has fallen into a lake?
To a weterinarian!
What do you do when a Chihuahua sneezes?
Get a small hankie!
What kind of pants do you buy for your pet Chihuahua?
Shorts!
Why can't Chihuahuas run marathons?
They're short of breath!
What did the elephant say when it saw the Chihuahuas coming down the road?
Look out for the mice!
Why do Chihuahuas have such short necks?
Because their heads are so close to their bodies!
How did the Chihuahua disappear on the road?
It was using a hide-'n-go-seekle!
Why are Chihuahuas such good bedtime storytellers?
They have short tales!
What is brown and gray, has eight legs, and is carrying a large trunk and a small trunk?
A Chihuahua on vacation with an elephant.
Why should you never watch a video with a Chihuahua?
It always plays with the "paws" button on the VCR.
What kind of leash should you buy for a Chihuahua?
A short one!
What is a Chihuahua's favorite sport?
Miniature golf!
Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you?
Chihuahua: No, I was playing throw with her!
What does a Chihuahua play basketball with?
A tennis ball!
What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best?
Lap-top!
How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?
With dog diskettes!
Why is it hard for Chihuahuas to type on a keyboard?
They're all paws.
What kind of dog is a person's best friend?
A palmatian!
What do you call a boring dog?
A dull-mation!
What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian?
A spot-weiler!
Why is a dog with a lame leg like adding 6 and 7s?
He puts down the three and carries the one.
Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger?
I'd rather have him chase the tiger.
Why was the mother flea so unhappy?
All her children had gone to the dogs.
Why is a dog so warm in Summer?
He wears a coat and pants.
Why does a d dog scratch himself?
He is the only one that knows where it itches.
Why do dogs turn around three times before lying down?
One good turn deserves another.
Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise?
Because the captain stood on the deck.
Why did the thoughtful father buy his six children a dachshund?
He wanted a dog they could all pet at once.
Why did the dog sleep so poorly?
By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!
Why did the dog say he was an actor?
His leg was in a cast.
Why did the dog run in circles?
He was a watchdog and needed winding.
Why did the dog mistake the dog catcher for a grape?
He was colour-blind.
Which dog looks like a cat?
A police dog in disguise.
Which dog is always without a tail?
A hot dog.
Which dog can tell time?
A watchdog.
Where do you usually find dogs?
It all depends on where you lose them.
When you catch your dog eating a dictionary, what should you do?
Take the words right out of his mouth.
When is a dog most impolite?
When he points.
What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia?
A puppy.
What was the dog doing on the turnpike?
About seven miles an hour.
What should you know before you teach your dog a new trick?
You should know more than your dog.
What should you do if you see a vicious dog?
Hope he doesn't see you.
What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails?
A retail store.
What is the difference between a dog and a mailbox?
If you don't know you must lose a lot of mail.
What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella?
The umbrella can be shut up.
What is taller when it sits down than when it stands up?
A dog.
What is black and white and red all over?
A Dalmatian with a bad sunburn.
What is a dog who crosses the street twice in an hour?
A double crosser.
What is a baseball dog?
One that chases fowls.
What has 2,000 eyes and 4,000 feet?
A thousand dogs.
What happened when the shaggy dog swallowed a teaspoon?
He wasn't able to stir.
What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.
What did the dog say when he chased his tail?
This is the end.
What did the dog say to the pig?
You are just a bore.
What did the dog get when he multiplied 497 by 684?
The wrong answer.
What did the dog do with the history professor?
They got together and talked over old times.
What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him?
Bit him, naturally.
How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your back yard.
How did the dog make gold soup?
He put in 24 carrots.
How did the dog get into the locked cemetery at night?
He used a skeleton key.
How did the dog feel when he lost his flashlight?
Delighted.
How can you tell a dog from an elephant?
The elephant remembers.
How do you find your dog if he's lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because its hard to run in squares!
Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye?
Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.
What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories?
A shaggy dogs tale!
How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon?
Melon-collie!
What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow?
Slush puppies!
What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!
What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones?
Hush puppies!
What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo?
A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead!
What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiler?
A computer with a lot of bites!
What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table?
He gets splinters in his mouth!
What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
Dingo Starr!
What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole?
A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it's a greyhound!
What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?
A mutt in a rut!
Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?
Cats can't drive!
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles!
What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater?
A plain clothes police dog!
What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals?
A guard dog!
What kind of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog!
How do you stop a dog smelling?
Put a peg on it's nose!
Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?
Because they mess up the whole house!
How many seasons are there in a dogs life?
Just one, the moulting season!
What's a dog favourite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
What is a dogs favourite flower?
Anything in your garden!
What is a dog's favourite food?
Anything that is on your plate!
What is a dog's favourite sport?
Formula 1 drooling!
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a hyena?
I don't know but I'll join in if it laughs!
What kind of dog sounds like you can eat it?
A sausage dog!
When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house?
When the door is open!
Where do Eskimos train their dogs?
In the mush room!
What do you get if you cross a giraffe with a dog?
An animal that barks at low flying aircraft!
Why did the dog wear white sneakers?
Because his boots were at the menders!
What do you get if you cross a dog with Concorde?
A jet setter!
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show!
Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
Because you can't bury them in trees!
What happened to the dog that ate nothing but garlic?
His bark was much worse than it's bite!
Why do dogs wag their tails?
"Because no one else will do it for them!"
What did the angry man sing when he found his slippers chewed up by the new puppy?
"I must throw that doggie out the window!
"!
Why did the poor dog chase his own tail?
He was trying to make both ends meet!
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A collie-flower!
What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog?
Chump chops!
What do you get if you take a really big dog out for a walk?
A Great Dane out!
What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
"Well, doggone!"
Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
Growlcho Marx!
What is the dogs favourite city?
New Yorkie!
What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A dingo-ling!
What do you call a happy Lassie?
A jolly collie!
Where did the dog breeder keep his savings?
In bark-lays bank!
Why does a dog wag it's tail?
- No one else will do it for them
What side of the dog has the most fur?
- The Outside.
What goes "krab, krab, krab"?
- A dog barking in a mirror.
What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper?
- RUFF!
What kind of dog does a dracula like?
- A Bloodhound.
Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog?
- So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
- It stole the show!
When is a strange dog most likely to go into your house?
- When the door is open.
Why is a dog's nose in the middle of it's face?
- Because it's the scenter.
What do you say to a dog before he eats?
- Bone appetite!
How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car?
- Put him in the front seat.
How did bulldogs get such flat noses?
- From chasing cars.
Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
- Because you can't bury them in the sky!
When's the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk?
- Anytime he wants to go.
"Why are you so excited?
", the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized.
"But doc, this is my first operation."
"Really?
It's mine too, and I am not excited at all."
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.
Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog?
When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your house!
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
Why is a blonde like Australia?
They're both down under, and no one cares.
How does a horny guy spell relief?
B-L-O-N-D-E.
Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
What do you call a brunette and three blondes in a corner?
You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.
What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."
Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
What did the blind blonde say as she was making love with her new boyfriend?
"Funny, you don't feel Jewish."
What's the ultimate embarrassment for a blonde?
When her ben-wa balls set off the airport metal detector.
Why did God create women?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Did u know that a condom had a serial number?
No, I never had to unroll one that far.
What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
Almond Joy candy bar
Why are condoms like cameras?
-they both capture the moment.
How is a penis like fishing?
The small ones you throw back, the medium ones you eat, and the larger ones you mount.
What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch.
How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
She drops her nail-file!
How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love.
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it, rub-it!
What would you get if you crossed a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic pork!
What dinosaur loves pancakes?
A tri-syrup-tops.
What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain?
Stegosaur-rust!
What dinosaur would you find in a rodeo?
Bronco-saurus!
What did you call a dinosaur that keeps you awake at night?
Bronto-snore-us!
What followed the dinosaur?
It's tail!
What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!
What's red on the outside and green on the inside?
A dinosaur wearing red pajamas.
Why do dinosaurs wear glasses?
To make sure they don't step on other dinosaurs.
Why do dinosaurs climb trees?
There's nothing else to climb in the jungle.
Why don't dinosaurs take ballet lessons?
They outgrew their leotards.
Why does a dinosaur climb a tree?
To get in his nest.
Why is it dangerous to go into the jungle between two and four in the afternoon?
That's when dinosaurs are jumping out of palm trees.
Why did the dinosaur walk on two legs?
To give the ants a chance.
Why don't more dinosaurs join the police force?
They can't hide behind billboards.
Why does a dinosaur have cracks between his toes?
To carry his library card.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers?
Because he is a meat eater!
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog?
Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur?
Do-ya-think-he-saurus.
What do you get when you put a bomb and a dinosaur together?
Dino-mite.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors?
Because she had no guts!
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet?
A Dinosaucer
"Did you get your money?"
ask the wife of the dentist who had just return from the delinquent patient's home.
"Not a cent," growled the dentist, "and worse than that, he insulted me, and gnashed my teeth at me!"
"Papa, why is it that dentists call their offices dental parlors?"
"Because they are drawing-rooms, my son."
Patient: "Do you extract teeth painlessly?"
Dentist: "Not always, the other day I nearly dislocated my wrist"
Gerald: "Have you ever come across a man who, at the slightest touch, caused you to thrill and tremble in every fiber of your being?"
Mabel: "Yes, the dentist."
What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
Having your dentist tell you.
Young lady to father "Daddy, when I grow up shall I become a heart-doctor or a tooth-doctor " "Dentist" "Why father?"
"We have only one heart, but 32 teeth!"
What did the dentist say to the computer?...This won't hurt a byte
What did the dentist see at the North Pole?...A molar bear
What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?...He braces himself
Did you hear about the dentist who planted a garden?...
A month later he was picking his teeth
What do you call a dentist in the army?
A drill sergeant!
What do you call the Scottish dentist?
Phil McCavity!
What is a dentist's office?
A filling station.
Why do people dislike going to the dentist?
Because he is boring.
Why do dentists like potatoes?
Because they are so filling.
Why does a dentist seem moody?
Because he always looks down in the mouth.
What did the dentist say to the golfer?
"You have a hole in one. "
At what time do most people go to the dentist?
At tooth-hurty (2:30).
Patient: Doc, what should I do with all the gold and silver in my mouth?
Dentist: Don't smile in a bad neighborhood.
Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
Dracula's dentist.
Why are you laughing?
My dentist just pulled one of my teeth out.
I don't see much to laugh about in that.
But it was the wrong one!
What did the werewolf eat after he'd had his teeth taken out?
The dentist.
Why was the dentist's date with the manicurist a disaster?
Because they fought both tooth and nail!
What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.
"Do you believe in life after death?"
the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.
"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral?
They just loosen the Earth and you sink down by yourself.
What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies?
A dead cat.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot!
Why don't dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car - who is driving it?
A police officer!
Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for the robbery, boss?
Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a double-cross.
Why was the robber bionic?
He was holding up a bank.
Where do cowboys cook their meals?
On the range.
What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school?
The deputy head!
Why did the cowboy's car stop?
It had Injun (engine) trouble.
Why did the cowboy get a hot seat?
Because he rode the range.
Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs?
He was always horsing around.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis (bronc-itis).
Why did the cowboy ride his horse?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy?
Hoppalong Cassidy.
Who is in cowboy films and is always broke?
Skint Eastwood.
What did the cowboy maggot say when he went into the saloon bar?
Gimme a slug of whiskey.
What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil?
Pre-tanned leather.
Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being amoosed!
What's the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper!
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk!
Why wouldn't anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully!
Why was the calf afraid?
He was a cow-herd!
Why don't cows ever have any money?
Because the farmers milk them dry!
Why doesn't Sweden export it's cattle?
It wants to keep it's Stockholm!
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream!
Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay!
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed!
Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food?
He wanted to raised stewed beef!
Why did the cow jump over the moon?
To get to the Milky Way!
Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?
She thought children should be seen and not herded!
Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers?
She heard he was a cowpuncher!
Why couldn't the cow leave the farm?
She was pasteurized!
Why are cows made for dancing?
They're all born hoofers!
Where does a cow stop to drink?
The milky way!
Where do steers go to dance?
To the Meat Ball!
Where do Russian cows come from?
Moscow!
Where do milk shakes come from?
Nervous cows!
Where do Danish cows come from?
Cowpenhagenf
Where do cows like to ride on trains?
In the cow-boose.
Where did the mooron take the baby cow to eat?
To the calf-ateria!
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case!
When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cow into pasture.
When a bull wants to listen to a cassette, what does he put on his head?
Steer phones!
What's a moo hoo for the sound you hear when a cow spits?
A cud thud!
What's a moo hoo for grazing school?
Grass class!
What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two longhorns?
A bull pull!
What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer?
A full bull!
What's a moo hoo for a darling bull?
A dear steer!
What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday?
A merry dairy!
What's a moo hoo for a cattle dinner?
Cow chow!
What's a moo hoo for a bunch of weirdo cattle?
A nerd herd!
What's a cow's favorite moosical note?
Beef-flat!
What would you get if you crossed a cow with a rabbit?
Hare in your milk!
What US state has the most cows?
Moosouri!
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves!
What South American dance do cows like to do?
The Rump-a
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand?
Cows-mopolitan!
What kind of cows do you find in Alaska?
Eski-moos!
What is the most important use for cowhide?
To hold the cow together.
What is the golden rule for cows?
Do unto udders as you would have udders do to you!
What is the definition of "moon"?
The past tense of "moo"!
What is the definition of "derange"?
De place where de cowboys ride!
What is a moo hoo for the bucket that goes at the back end of the cow?
A tail pail!
What is a moo hoo for steak that came late?
Filet delay!
What is a moo hoo for a sheepish steer?
A woolly bully!
What is a moo hoo for a delightful ranch owner?
A charmer farmer!
What is a moo hoo for a cow that fell into the thresher?
Ground round!
What is a moo hoo for a cow fight?
A cattle battle!
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna
What happens when the cows refuse to be milked?
Udder chaos!
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What happened to the lost cattle?
Nobody's herd.
What hair style is a calf's favorite?
The cowlick!
What goes oo ooo oooo?
A cow with no lips.
What gives milk and has a horn?
A milk tank!
What game do little cows like to play?
Moonopoly.
What famous painting do cows love to look at?
The Moona Lisa!
What does a cow like to do by a campfire?
Roast Moosmallows!
What do you get when you cross a cow with a kangaroo?
A kangamoo!
What do you get if you cross a longhorn with a knight?
Sir Loin!
What do you get if you cross a cow, a french fry, and a sofa?
A cowch potato!
What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache?
A bad mood!
What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster?
A cockerpoodlemoo!
What do you get from pampered cows?
Spoiled milk!
What do you get from an invisible cow?
Evaporated milk!
What do you get from a short-legged cow?
Dragon milk!
What do you get from a forgetful cow?
Milk of amnesia!
What do you call it when one bull spies on another bull?
A steak-out!
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
What do you call explosive cow vomit?
A cud missile!
What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists office?
An encownter group.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What do you call a cow that's just had a baby?
De-calfinated!
What do you call a cow that was shot by a tank?
A hole-y Cow!
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A milk dud!
What do you call a tired cow?
Milked out!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer.
What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit?
The first herd shot round the world!
What do you call a cow with no front legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow who argues with her husband?
A bullfighter!
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor?
Ground Beef
What do you call a bull that's sent overseas by boat?
Shipped beef!
What do cows wear when they're vacationing in Hawaii?
Moo moos
What do cows usually fly around in?
Helicowpters and Bulloons.
What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties?
"Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo"
What do cows read at the breakfast table?
The moospaper!
What do cows like to listen to?
Moo-sic!
What do cows like to do at amoosement parks?
Ride on the roller cowster.
What do cows get when they do all their chores?
Mooney.
What do cows get when they are sick?
Hay Fever
What do cows do when they're introduced?
They give each other a milk shake!
What do cows do for entertainment?
They go to the mooooovies.
What do cows call Frank Sinatra?
Old Moo Eyes!
What did the mooron say when he saw the milk cartons in the grass?
"Hey!
Look at the cow's nest!"
What did the cow wear to the football game?
A Jersey.
What did one dairy cow say to another?
Got milk?
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand!
What band is a cow favorite?
Moody Blues
What are the spots on black-and-white cows?
Holstaines
What are cows favorite party games?
MOO-sical chairs!
What animals do you bring to bed?
Your calves.
I've just discovered a method for making wool out of milk!
But doesn't that make the cow feel a little sheepish?
Is there big money in the cattle business?
So I've herd!
In what state will you find the most cows?
Moo York!
If you make a cow angry, how will she get even?
She'll cream you!
If you crossed two cows with a flock of ducks, what would you get?
Milk and quackers!
If you crossed a cow with Michael Jackson, what song would you get?
"Beeflt!"
If you crossed a cow with a goat, what would you get?
Half and half!
How to you know that cows will be in heaven?
It's a place of udder delight.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
How do bulls drive their cars?
They steer them!
What do you call a cow that plays the guitar?
A Moosician!
How did the calf's final exam turn out?
Grade A!
How did that bullfight come out?
Oh, it was a toss-up!
How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented?
They were very impressed!
Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual?
No, only medium rare!
Did you hear about the snobby cow?
She thought she was a cutlet above the rest!
Did you hear about the farmer who lost control of his tractor in the cow pasture?
No!
Did he hurt the cows?
No, he just grazed them!
What's the difference between an American student and an English student?
About 3000 miles!
How does a New York University psychology major turn on his lights in the morning?
By opening the car door.
How many Buckeye football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
One.
But he gets three hours credit.
Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out?
Did you hear about the Western Kentucky professor who kissed the door goodbye and slammed his wife as he went by?
Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon?
Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.
Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering where he'd seen himself before?
What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
"Good morning, Bill."
In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton?"
86% replied, "Not again"
Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
What did Clinton say when accused of copying his homework from his girlfriend at Oxford?
I did not have textual relations with that woman.
Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
The United States of America!
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?
"Looks like rein dear"
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer?
Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?
It's true....Comet cleans sinks!
Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in Decembrrrrr.
Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
Santa Clues.
What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
"I don't like sprouts!"
"Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie?"
"He said it was too tight."
What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
It was wound up already.
What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Forty feet of track - all straight!
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid.
What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!
What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas!
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph
Who sings "Love me tender", and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold.
What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards?
Best vicious of the season
What does Father Christmas call his money?
Iced lolly?
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick!
What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?
Jungle bells.
What's Christmas called in England?
Yule Britannia!
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach?
Because he didn't want to be recognised!
What game do reindeer play in their stalls?
Stable-tennis!
Who delivers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus!
Who delivers cat's Christmas presents?
Santa Paws!
A rabbit's favourite Christmas song?
'Lettuce with a gladsome mind'
A football supporter's favourite Christmas song?
'Yule never walk alone'
What's a hairdressers's favourite Christmas song?
'Oh comb all ye faithful'
What's Scrooge's favourite Christmas game?
Mean-opoly.
What's a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment?
A phantomime!
Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge?
Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.
What do gnomes fear most about Christmas?
They're afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!
Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party?
He had no body to go with!
What did Dracula say at the Christmas party?
Fancy a bite?
Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party?
It was a scream!
How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?
Chick to chick!
Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Christmas ball?
It was a moth ball!
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down?
Stacks!
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia!
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D"!
What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes?
No-eyed-deer!
Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match?
Because they're both stopped by the rein.
How do you make a slow reindeer fast?
Don't feed it!
What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof?
Tired arms!
How to cats greet each other at Christmas?
"A furry merry Christmas and Happy mew year"!
Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Grave-y!
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
Your teeth!
What bird has wings but cannot fly?
Roast turkey!
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed!
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker?
My pop is bigger than yours!
Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys?
Because they soot him!
What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents?
Santa pause!
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?
Because they both have "Sandy claws"!
Why does Santa Claus like to work in the garden?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Santapplause!
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!
What happens to you at Christmas?
Yule be happy!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
Platform shoes!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.
Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out of the window?
He wanted to see a waterfall.
Mother: What do you mean, the school must be haunted?
Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the school spirit.
'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home.
Shall I give him Grandma?'
Did you hear about the boy who was known as Fog?
He was dense and wet!
Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake?
'Quick,' said one, 'run!
Before they say we did it!
What's the matter son?
The boy next door said I look just like you?
What did you say?
Nothing he's bigger than me!
Did you hear about the boy who wanted to run away to the circus?
He ended up in a flea circus!
Mother: Did you get a good place in the geography test?
Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.
Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?
Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.
Why was the lightning bug unhappy?
Because her children were not very bright.
If a cat won an Oscar, what would he get?
An a-cat-emy award.
Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of the tree bark.
What is an octopus?
An eight-sided cat.
What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall?
A good jumpurr!
What is a black cat's favourite TV show?
Miami Mice!
What's furry, has whiskers and chases outlaws?
A posse cat!
What did the black cat say to the fish?
I've got a bone to pick with you!
Why do black cats never shave?
Because 8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskas!
When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
When your a mouse!
Why did the cat sleep under the car?
Because she wanted to wake up oily!
Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin?
There was some money in the kitty!
Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning?
Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning!
What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese?
He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath!
What does a cat call a bowl of mice?
A purrfect meal!
What do you call a cat wearing shoes?
Puss in boots!
What works in a circus, walks a tightrope and has claws?
An acrocat!
Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge?
Because it turns "ice" into "mice"!
On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A caterpillar!
What do cats read in the morning?
Mewspapers!
Why do cats chase birds?
For a lark!
What kind of cat should you take into the desert?
A first aid kitty!
Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit?
They are both ginger nuts!
Why do tomcats fight?
Because they like raising a stink!
What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?
A catameringue!
How do you know that cats are sensitive creatures?
They never cry over spilt milk!
What is cleverer than a talking cat?
A spelling bee!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar?
A sourpuss!
Who was the most powerful cat in China?
Chairman Miaow!
Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!
What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?
An octopuss!
What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A catastrophe!
How is cat food sold?
Usually purr can!
What is the cat's favourite TV show?
The evening mews!
How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
She's got that down in the mouth look!
How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?
He has cat-arrh!
What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
I'm paw!
What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool?
She had mittens!
What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?
- Catsup!
Why do cats eat fur balls?
- Because they love a good gag!
What do you call it when a cat stops?
- A paws!
Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
- Because she wanted to mail a litter.
How do cats buy things?
- From a cat-alogue!
What kind of cats lay around the house?
- Car-pets!
What kind of work does a weak cat do?
- Light mouse work.
What's a cat's second favorite food?
- Spa-catti!
What's a cat's favorite food?
- Petatoes!
Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?
- Catch.
What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?
- A first-aid kit!
What do you call a cat who eats lemons?
- A sourpuss!
Why does everyone love cats?
- They're purr-fect!
Where do cats write down notes?
- Scratch Paper!
What's every cat's favorite song?
- Three Blind Mice!
Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
- It's meow-sic to their ears!
What do you call it when a cat bites?
- Catnip!
What do cats like to eat on a hot day?
- Mice cream
What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight?
- Claude
What do you call a person who falls onto you on a train?
A laplander!
What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?
One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
What driver doesn't have a license?
A screw driver.
If an electric train travels 90 miles an hour in a westerly direction and the wind is blowing from the north, in which direction is the smoke blowing?
There is no smoke from an electric train!
Did you hear about the girl who was so keen on road safety that she always wore white at night?
Last Winter she was knocked down by a snow plough
Why did your sister refuse the gift of a Japanese car?
Because she'd never be able to learn the language
Did you ever see a country boy in New York whistle for a cab?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers, "Taxi!"
Policeman: Why were you driving around in circles and laughing?
Motorist: I thought I was on a merry-go-round.
Policeman: Why did you stop your car, get out, and yell "coward" at the traffic signal?
Motorist: The light just turned yellow.
Policeman: Why did you lead me on a high-speed chase?
Motorist: Because you'd catch me on a slow one.
Policeman: What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour?
Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an accident.
Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly?
Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.
Policeman: Do you know how fast you were going?
Motorist: No, you're the one with the radar.
Policeman: Didn't you see my lights flashing?
Motorist: No, I was going faster than the speed of light.
Policeman: Didn't you hear my siren?
Motorist: Sure, that's why I sped up.
Policeman: Didn't you hear me whistle at you?
Woman Driver: Sure, but I don't flirt when I drive.
What's the difference between a schoolteacher and a train driver?
A schoolteacher says, "Spit out that toffee" and a train says, "Choo, choo."
What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?
One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Why do you have to wait so long for a ghost train to come along?
They only run a skeleton service.
What is evil and ugly and goes at 125 mph?
A witch in a high speed train.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers?
Oh good!
A chew chew train!
Why did the electrician close early on Mondays?
Because business was very light.
What did the ruthless businessman say to his employees?
If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
What happens when business is slow at a medicine factory?
You can hear a cough drop.
Did you hear about the businessman who is so rich he has two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?
It's for people who can't swim!
What business is King Kong in?
Monkey business.
Why did the doughnut maker retire?
He was fed up with the hole business.
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?
As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you.
Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
Why did the bank drive-up window teller have tire tread marks across the back of his grey suit?
From crawling across the street when the sign said: "Don't Walk."
What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals?
He went down really well!
Why was the cannibal looking peeky?
Because he had just eaten a Chinese dog!
What do sick cannibals have for breakfast?
Vitamin bills!
Why won't cannibals eat Frank Sinatra?
Because he's always coming back!
Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
He gives them runs!
What do pygmy cannibals eat for breakfast?
Weedie Bix!
What's the definition of a cannibal?
Some who goes into a restaurant and orders a waiter!
What did the cannibal's parents say when she brought her boyfriend home?
'Lovely, dear, he looks good enough to eat!'
When a plane caught fire over the jungle the pilot ejected and landed in a cannibal's pot.
The cannibal turned to his friend and said, 'What's this flier doing in my soup?'
What is the cannibals' favorite game?
Swallow my Leader.
Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter?
It sure gave them something to chew over.
Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads?
Because they're headcases.
What is a cannibal's favorite food?
Baked Beings.
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock?
It repeated on him.
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun.
Why didn't anyone take the school bus to school?
I wouldn't fit through the door.
What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head?
The deceased!
What "bus" crossed the ocean?
Columbus.
What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.
Have you seen the bus website?
Yes - it's just the ticket!
Conductor, do you stop at the Savoy Hotel?
I should say not, on my salary!
Does this bus stop at the river?
If it doesn't there'll be a very big splash.
Did you say that you fell over fifty feet but didn't hurt yourself?
Yes - I was trying to get to the back of the bus.
Why did the bus stop?
Because it saw the zebra crossing.
When you go for a bus ride, do you like sitting upstairs or downstairs?
I prefer to ride on top, but it's very hard getting the horse up the stairs.
How can you kill an idiot with half a dollar?
Throw it under a bus.
What's the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
A bus driver knows the stops, and a cold stops the nose.
Why couldn't the skeleton pay his bus fare?
Because he was skint.
What would you get if you crossed King Kong with a skunk?
I don't know but it could always get a seat on a bus!
What do monsters play when they are in the bus?
Squash.
Why is President Carter important to Hamburger Land in April?
One the opening day of the baseball season, he throws out the first meatball!
Why do the hamburgers beat the hot dogs at every sport they play?
Because hot dogs are the wurst!
Who can beat any burger at golf?
Any LINKS sausage!
Where does a burger go on vacation?
The Swiss (cheese) Alps or The Cheeseapeake Valley!
What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters?
'Hot dog!'
How do gossipy hamburgers spend their time?
They chew the fat.
Mum: Why does your little brother jump up and down before taking his medicine?
Boy: Because he read the label, and it said 'shake well before using.'
Did you hear about the Blonde who got a pair of water-skis?
She's still looking for a lake with a slope.
Did you hear about the new blonde hoodlum?
She runs around spray-painting her name on chain link fences.
What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
"Today children, we will learn our ABC's"
Why will a blonde laugh at a joke three times?
Once when you tell it, once when you tell her the punchline, and once when she gets it.
Why don't blonde's like audio-books?
There aren't any pictures.
How do you drown a blonde?
When he asks for a lifesaver, ask him what flavor he wants.
Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?
It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One - the rest are all true.
Did you hear about the blonde who hijacked a submarine?
She demanded $200,000 and a parachute.
What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
How does a blonde high-5?
She smacks herself in the forehead.
What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
All you can eat, under a buck.
Did you hear about the blonde who put "Sagittarius" at the bottom of application forms where it said "Sign Here".
How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
How do you kill a blonde?
Give them a gun an say it is a blow dryer
Did you hear why they closed the Seattle Kingdom?
While the crowd was doing the wave, two blondes drowned.
What's a blonde's favourite wine?
"Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Did you hear about the blonde who dropped out of nursing school?
She was doing great until she found out she would have to perform the Hymenlick Maneuver.
Why can't blondes make Kool Aid?
Because they can't figure out how to get eight cups of water into that tiny little package.
Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by?
The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde."
The other said, "Suicide blonde?
What's that?"
The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.
Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...
What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth?
No make-up.
What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.
Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look!
They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on her.
Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.
How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.
What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.
Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.
What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."
Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
That's where you wash all your vegetables!
Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?
She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!
What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes?
None, as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them either.
When a blonde goes to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row
Why are blondes like corn flakes?
Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for Winter".
Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
Far-from-thinkin
Want to know how to amuse a blonde for hours?
Write please turn over on both sides of the paper!
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade!
Did you hear about the blonde with tire marks on her back?
She crawled across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
What do you call 100 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel!
What do you call a blonde standing between two brunettes?
A mental block!
Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?
They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!
Did you hear about the blonde who was a really good cook?
She could get pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece!
Did you hear about the blonde tap dancer?
She fell in the sink!
Why did the blonde burn her ear?
The phone rang while she was ironing!
What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison?
One can't see to go, the other can't go to sea.
Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake?
The candles melted in the oven.
Why was the monster standing on his head at the birthday party?
He heard they were having upside-down cake!
Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday?
He's trying to age disgracefully!
Why did you buy me a pair of bunny ears?
I wanted you to have a hoppy birthday!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
"Were any famous men born on your birthday?"
"No, only babies."
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it's been sliced.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?
A birthday pheasant!
What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy?
He was celebrating his girthday!
Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?
It was a tappy one!
Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake?
Because he always slobbers out the candles!
Did you hear about the tree's birthday?
It was a sappy one!
Did you hear about the flag's birthday?
It was a Happy one!
"Did you go shopping for my birthday present?"
"Yeah, and I found the perfect thing."
"What thing is that?"
"Nothing!"
What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
"Happy Birthday To Gnu!"
What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!
Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?
He wanted to have a birthday potty!
Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!
Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap?
It was a birthday present from his wife!
Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?
The stamps kept falling off the rocks!
Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer?
Because you said it was pound cake!
How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?
He has a whale of a party!
What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
"Hi, Buster."
What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday?
A stole.
What's the greatest birthday present?
Hard to say - but a drum takes a lot of beating.
What kind of doctor does a duck visit?
A Ducktor.
Did you hear about the chicken that wanted to take ballet lessons?
"He wanted to be a hentertainer."
What do you call a vulture with no beak?
A head banger.
Teacher: What's a robin?
Fred: A bird that steals, ma'am.
Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years?
It was stuffed.
What do you get if you cross a giant, hairy monster with a penguin?
I don't know but it's a very tightfitting tuxedo.
What did the scornful owl say?
Twit twoo.
What do Scottish owls sing?
Owld Lang Syne.
What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party?
You're not owld enough.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
What does an educated owl say?
Whom.
How do you make a tame duck wild?
Annoy it.
Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?
Because eggs were going up!
What happens when geese land in a volcano?
They cook their own gooses!
Why does a rooster watch TV?
For hentertainment!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick-layer!
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires!
What do you get from a drunk chicken?
Scotch eggs!
What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
A battery hen!
How do you stop a rooster crowing on Sunday?
Eat him on Saturday!
What did the baby chick say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'!
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?
A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!
What is a parrot?
A wordy birdy!
Whose parrot sits on his shoulder shouting "Pieces of four"?
Short John Silver!
Why did the bird join he air force?
He wanted to be a parrot trooper!
Why is politics for the birds?
Because politicians always parrot the same old lines!
What's a parrot's favourite song?
I love Parrots in the Springtime!
What are a parrot's favourite literary characters?
Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!
What's a parrot's favourite game?
Monopoly!
How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent?
It speaks in Polly-syllables!
Why do parrots carry umbrellas?
So they don't become polly-saturated!
Which bird ran for President?
H. Ross Parrot
What did the parrot say when he saw a duck?
Polly want a quacker!
What did the rich socialite's parrot say?
Polly want a cracker, with caviar please!
What did the parrot say on Independence Day?
Polly wants a firecracker!
What do you call the place where parrots make films?
Pollywood!
What's the definition of Polystyrene?
A plastic parrot!
What did the parrot say when he was using the Internet?
P.Cs of eight, P.Cs of eight.
What geometric figure is like a runaway parrot?
A polygon .
What's the definition of Parity?
Two parrots exactly the same!
What's the definition of a Parapet?
Pet parrot kept by parachutist!
What profession did the parrot get into when it swallowed the clock?
Politics
Where do blind parrots go for treatment?
The Birds Eye counter!
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)
Where do the cleverest parrots live?
In the brain tree forests!
Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage?
Pupil: For a parrot to perch on, miss.
Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, and moo?"
He was studying foreign languages.
What is the difference between a fly and a bird?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird!
What birds are found in Portugal?
Portu-geese!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways?
Dead.
What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
It eggs-plodes!
What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg?
The bombshell!
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll!
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you're the chicken!
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics!
What happened when the chicken ate cement?
She laid a sidewalk!
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs!
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep!
Why don't chickens like people?
They beat eggs!
What happened to the chicken whose feathers were all pointing the wrong way?
She was tickled to death!
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck!
Why did the chicken end up in the soup?
Because it ran out of cluck!
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck!
What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
An alarm cluck!
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have enough guts
What is the definition of Robin?
A bird who steals!
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!
What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?
Jail-birds!
What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
Tweetie Pie!
What do you get if your budgie flies into the blender?
Shredded Tweet!
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A bird who knocks before delivering its message!
What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot!
What happens when ducks fly upside down?
They quack up!
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Where do birds invest their money?
In the stork market!
What do you call a bird that lives underground?
A mynah bird!
What is a duck's favorite TV show?
The feather forecast!
What kind of bird opens doors?
A kiwi!
What flies through the jungle singing opera?
The parrots of Penzance!
What do owls sing when it is raining?
'Too wet to woo'!
What bird tastes just like butter?
A stork!
What do parrots eat?
Polyfilla!
What do you call a Scottish parrot?
A Macaw!
What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework?
A firequaker!
How do you get a parrot to talk properly?
Send him to polytechnic!
What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English!
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers!
What's got six legs and can fly long distances?
Three swallows!
Which bird is always out of breath?
A puffin!
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play!
What is green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle!
How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?
With it's sparrowchute!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
Because they're both full of stuffing!
How do you get a cut-price parrot?
Plant bird seed!
When is the best time to buy budgies?
When they're going cheap!
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A headbanger!
What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey!
What is a polygon?
A dead parrot!
What's brown and white and flies all over?
Thanksgiving turkey, when you carve it with a chain saw!
What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken?
A pecking order.
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Why do bikes have kick-stands?
Because they're two-tired.
What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose?
Bicycle petals!
What do you call a woman with a bicycle on her head?
Petal!
Which Elizabethan sailor could stop bikes?
Sir Francis Brake!
Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?
Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.
When is a bicycle not a bicycle?
When it turns into a driveway.
What's the hardest thing about learning to ride a bicycle?
The road.
I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday.
Farcical?
What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed with him?
Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.
Which is the cheapest bicycle you can buy?
A penny-farthing.
What should you do if you find a 500-pound dog asleep on your bed?
Sleep on the sofa.
Mother: Did you make your bed today?
Daughter: Yes, Mom, but I think it would be easier to buy one.
What did the really ugly man do for a living?
He posed for Halloween masks!
Beautician: Did that mud pack I gave you for your girlfriend improve her appearance?
Man: It did for a while - then it fell off.
Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't pretty and wasn't ugly?
She was pretty ugly
Mary: Do you think my sister's pretty?
Gary: Well, let's just say if you pulled her pigtail she'd probably say 'oink, oink '!
What is yellow and goes click-click?
A ball-point banana.
Witch: Will I lose my looks as I get older?
Wizard: With luck, yes.
Witch:
Did you hear about the witch who did a four year course in ugliness?
She finished it in two.
What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?
The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.
Where is everyone beautiful?
In the dark.
They say Margaret is a raving beauty.
You mean she's escaped from the funny farm?
Who won the Monster Beauty Contest?
No one.
What dog loves to take bubble baths?
A shampoodle!
Where does a vampire take a bath?
In the bat-room.
Adam: How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath?
Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel, wet the soap and flood the bathroom.
Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring.
Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?
Where do Martians drink beer?
At a mars bar!
An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down.
The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says, "What is this... some kind of joke?"
What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby?
A cry for Alp!
Why does a mother carry her baby?
The baby can't carry the mother.
Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
Because they can't dress themselves.
What did the Pharaohs use to keep their babies quiet?
Egyptian dummies.
Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer?
Because he wanted frozen pop.
Why is a baby like an diamond?
Because it's a dear little thing.
What did Baby Corn say to Mother Corn?
Where's Pop Corn?
How do you get a paper baby?
Marry an old bag.
Do you like your new baby sister?
She's all right.
Do you play with her?
No, and we can't even send her back because she's been here more than 28 days.
Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby?
Mrs Bigger's baby, because he's a little Bigger.
Would you rather have a baby brother or a baby sister?
I'd much rather have a jelly baby.
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rock-et.
Why are babies always gurgling with joy?
Because it's a nappy time.
Did you hear about Mrs Dimwit's new baby?
She thought babies should be pink, so she took this one to the doctor because it was a horrible yeller.
Why did you drop the baby?
Well, Mrs Smith said he was a bonny bouncing baby, so I wanted to see if he did.
What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
Why did the vampire baby stop having baby food?
He wanted something to get his teeth into.
What are baby witches called?
Halloweenies.
How did the witch almost lose her baby?
She didn't take it far enough into the woods.
Which is the only day you are safe in a cannibal village?
Sitterdays (when they eat the baby-sitter instead).
What is a baby bee?
A little humbug.
What would you get if you crossed a new-born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
What do baby pythons play with?
Rattle-snakes.
What did the mummy snake say to the crying baby snake?
Stop crying and viper your nose.
What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner?
A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog.
The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.
If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs?
None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.
What reads and lives in an apple?
A bookworm!
What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?
He brought it to school and said, 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie?
Puff pastry!
Why don't apples smile when you go bobbing?
Because they're crab apples!
What kind of apple isn't an apple?
A pineapple.
What is the left side of an apple?
The part that you don't eat.
What kind of apple has a short temper?
A crab apple.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard?
Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do?
Keeps everyone away.
How do you make an apple turnover?
Push it down hill.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do?
It can look round.
Once upon a time there were five apples Which was the cowboy?
None - because they were all redskins.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt?
An outboard apple.
How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
When you take careful aim.
How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the garden
How do you get the most apples at Halloween?
Take a snorkel.
What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!
What's a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught Pinching the Assets
What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything
What would Economics be without assumptions?
Accounting
How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?
He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.
Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays?
They can wear casual clothes to work
How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?
When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
Lost
How do you know accountants have no imagination?
They named a firm PricewaterhouseCoopers.
What does it mean when an accountant is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
His desk is level
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
What's the definition of unlikely?
A photo-spread in Playboy titled 'The World's Top Accountants - Nude!
'.
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
Popular
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
Why accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
What do you call an aardvark that's good at golf?
A paredvark!
What do you call an aardvark that's been thrown out of a pub?
A barredvark!
Why do computer teachers never get sick?
Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Why did the dish and spoon hide their computer?
The cat kept fiddling with I.T.
Why did the computer act crazy?
It had a screw loose.
Who sits on Cinderella's keyboard?
Buttons.
Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?
Click Turpin
Which football team to you need to connect up your computer?
Leeds.
Where is the best place to buy computer software?
Washington C.D
Where does an elephant carry its laptop?
In its trunk.
When do computers go to sleep?
When it's internight.
What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?
I don't know!
Well, you're not using my computer keyboard then!
What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink?
A slipped disk.
What do you get if you stuff your computer's disk drive with herbs?
A thyme machine.
What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger?
A big mac.
What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?
The Netcracker suite.
What do you do if your computer hums?
Tell it to change its socks!
What do computer experts do at weekends?
Go for a disk drive.
What did one mouse say to the other mouse?
I get a click out of you.
What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard?
Sorry, you're not my type.
Want to buy a pocket computer?
No, thanks, I already know how many pockets I've got.
Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on?
Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.
I've been on my computer all night!
Don't you think you'd be more comfortable on a bed like everyone else?
How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?
Hide their trainers.
"Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand?"
" My right hand."
" Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch."
How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen.
Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".
How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None.
They try to fix the old one.
"We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it.
We're going to rewrite it from scratch.
Could you wait two months?"
The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"
How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."
Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard?
The space bar.
What do you get if you cross a constable with a computer?
PC Plod.
How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer?
Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.
What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night?
No wonder you called the company Microsoft
- Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?
- Well, dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...
How do you fix a woman's watch?
- It doesn't matter.
There is a clock on the oven.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
Why did the witch lose her way?
Because her hat was pointing in the wrong direction.
What happened to the witch with an upside down nose?
Every time she sneezed her hat blew off.
How do warty witches keep their hair out of place?
With scare spray.
Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of her long black hair?
She always wore long gloves to cover it up.
What do witches ring for in a hotel?
B-room service.
How do sheep keep warm in winter?
Central bleating!
What did Santa Claus's wife say during a thunderstorm?
'Come and look at the rain, dear.'
Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella?
Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
What is a vampire's favourite soup?
Scream of mushroom!
When the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in the middle of the night what did it mean?
That the nail had come out of the wall.
What is Dracula's favorite fruit?
Neck-tarines.
Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies?
He used to keep it in his back pocket.
Why did the vampire attack the clown?
He wanted the circus to be in his blood.
Why did the old lady cover her mouth with her hands when she sneezed?
To catch her false teeth.
What happened to the man who put his false teeth in backwards?
He ate himself!
What did the vampire call his false teeth?
A new fangled device.
How do you spell wrong?
R?o?n?g.
That's wrong.
That's what you asked for, isn't it?
Why did the chicken get sent off from a soccer match?
For fowl play!
Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!
What do you get if you cross an alien and a hot drink?
Gravi-tea!
What do you call an overweight ET?
An extra cholesterol!
What do you call an alien starship that drips water?
A crying saucer!
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he's finished.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
How did Frankenstein's monster eat his lunch?
He bolted it down.
What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other?
I didn't know we lived on the same block.
How does Frankenstein sit in his chair?
Bolt upright.
Did you hear about the monster who went to a holiday camp?
He won the ugly mug and knobbly knees competition and he wasn't even entered.
What brings the monster's babies?
The Frankenstork.
A retired sergeant was asked: "Well, how do you like civilian life?"
"Terrible," he said gruffly, "all those people around and nobody in charge!"
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?"
while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a giant frog?
A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.
Do you want some help using the Internet, son?
No thanks, Dad, I can muck it up all by myself.
Can you show me how to use the Internet?
I'd better - otherwise you'll just go round and round in circles.
What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
A URLologist.
What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
Wait at a buzz stop!
Where would you put an injured insect?
In an antbulance!
What does a queen bee do when she burps?
Issues a royal pardon!
What is a bee's favourite classical music composer?
Bee-thoven!
What goes hum-choo, hum choo?
A bee with a cold!
Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse?
It got angry and bit at the champ!
Did you find my horse well behaved?
Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?
The cat ate her.
Why did the ghost work at Scotland Yard?
He was the Chief In-Spectre.
What do you call a ghost that stays out all night?
Afresh air freak.
How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living?
By appearing in television spooktaculars.
What do you call a rich frog?
A golf blooded reptile!
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!
What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet!
Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
So he could hide in the cherry tree!
What is the Easter Bunny's favourite state capital?
Albunny, New York!
Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois?
The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.
What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
An udder failure!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A pineapple!
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?
Because a little water ends both of them!
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?
Thanks, I'll never part with it!
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
They both drop their needles!
Where did the kittens go on their class trip?
- To a mewseum.
When do cannibals cook you?
On Fried-days.
What did the bus conductor say to the frog?
Hop on.
How do eels get around the seabed?
They go by octobus.
Can a hamburger marry a hot dog?
Only if they have a very frank relationship!
So you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Yes- their dog is our dog's brother.
Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break
How do you eat a DNA spaghetti?
With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off?
It was a vicious cycle.
What is a ghost-proof bicycle?
One with no spooks in it.
How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?
It has a rattle.
What was the policeman's baby's first words?
Hallo, Hallo, Hallo!
Did you hear about the witch who had the ugliest baby in the world?
She didn't push the pram - she pulled it.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader?
A bookworm!
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple?
Because everyone had to go in pairs!
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple?
Worm your way out of that one, then!
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
What does the aardvark call his dog?
Aard-bark!
What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
A virus does something.
What do computers eat when they get hungry?
Chips.
How many Narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he doesn't screw it in, he just holds it and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemon aid.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a man?
Just one, if you put it in the right place.
How do you make your wife scream after sex?
Wipe your dick on the curtain.
What do porn and heavy metal have in common?
Both used to have a lot more hair back in the 70's and 80's.
You know why Michael J. Fox makes really good milkshakes?
Because he uses the best ingredients.
How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hippies don't screw in lightbulbs...they screw in dirty sleeping bags.
What's the difference between a hipster and a lumberjack?
The lumberjack has a job.
You know why cannibals don't eat divorced women?
They're bitter.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet?!
But most just grow 4.
How do you make a Bloody Nicole?
Like a Bloody Mary, but with a stab of OJ.
What's black and never works?
Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.
What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?
I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot.
When does a joke become a Dad Joke?
When it leaves you and doesn't come back.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?
The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.
What do you call a blowjob from a ginger?
Redhead.
What do you call a broken square?
A REKTangle
What did one barstool say to the other?
Nothing, inanimate objects cannot talk.
what's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts?
One of them's already full of holes before the cops see them.
What do Mexicans cut their pizzas with?
Little Caesars.
Why didn't Hitler go to strip clubs?
Because he didn't like poles.
How do you find Ronald McDonald in a room full of naked clowns?
The Sesame Seeds on his buns.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
A tea bag stays in the cup longer!
Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?
In case one dozen come out right.
Did you hear?
Sting was kidnapped!
The Police still have no lead.
What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.
Did you hear about the new viagra eye drops?
They just make you look hard.
What do you call a person with no eyes?
Blind.
What is a suicide bombers worse fear?
Dying alone.
Why did one man push another man off of a building?
Because he is a homicidal maniac and should be in federal prison.
What's more funny than a dead baby?
A dead baby dressed like a clown.
Where did the ADHD kid spend his summer?
At a concentration camp.
What's worse than getting raped?
Getting raped twice.
What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free.
Where do dads keep their jokes?
In their dada-base.
Why couldn't the radish finish the race?
He was a little beet.
Why are there no Wal-Mart stores in Afghanistan?
Because there's a target on every corner.
Did you hear about the archaeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?
His career is in ruins.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
Iron Man is a superhero but Iron Woman just a simple command.
Do you know what the fastest growing city in Ireland is?
Dublin. It keeps Dublin and Dublin.
Which cheese is made backwards?
Edam!
What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?
Wine.
What's the difference between dead babies and Ferraris?
I don't have 17 Ferraris in my garage.
Why can't Norwegians tell jokes Timing
Doctor: Your DNA is backwards.
Me: And?
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
How does a 49er fan change a light bulb?
He doesn't he just talks about how great it used to be.
What do a comb and a guitar have in common?
Neither of them can climb trees.
What did Barack say to Michele when he asked her to marry him?
I don't wanna be Obama self.
What do you call a newborn baby?
Anything you want.
Why didn't Suzy give Mary a high five?
Because I cut off her hand.
What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?
Au-burn.
What's better than being able to use disabled parking spots?
Legs.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
A murderer.
Why did the sprinter lose the race?
He had no legs.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?
Coach.
What's 18 inches long and never gets used?
Leonardo DiCaprio's acceptance speech.
What do you call a beagle and an eagle mixed together?
A beagle.
How much did Harambe drink in the bar?
Just a couple of shots.
What's the difference between everybody and bullets?
Everybody misses Harambe.
How can you a drop a egg on concrete without cracking it?
Pretty much any way you want. Concrete doesn't break easily.
Why do pediatricians get so frustrated?
They have very little patients.
What do you call Albert Einstein giving a handjob?
A stroke of genius.
Do you guys like Civil War jokes?
Because General Lee I don't find them funny.
What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?
Tally Hoes.
Why was the Asian terrible at driving?
He was drunk.
Is it okay to marry your second cousin?
Sure, as long as you're legally divorced from the first one.
What's the best part about having a hooker die on you?
The second hour is free.
Have you heard about the one-armed superhero?
He single handedly stops crime.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the mac and cheese before it was cool.
Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
So the other one could learn to drive.
What do you get when you mix Viagra with Disney World?
Kicked out.
If you have a cricket ball in one hand, and a cricket ball in the other hand, what have you got?
A big cricket.
Why was the little drop of ink so sad?
Because his father was in the pen, and he didn't know how long the sentence was!
What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe?
Mitosis.
What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke?
A pun can make you groan, but a dad joke goes even father.
What difference does an "A" make?
Well, the difference between NASA and NSA is astronomical.
What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?
I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.
What do you call a man who has reached the highest level of prestige in all Call of Duty games?
A Virgin.
Which chord is essential to every Christian song?
Gsus.
Why can't Michael J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.
How does a mathematician solve their constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
What do you a call a person who can't fly.
A person.
Where do poor meatballs live?
In the spaghetto.
What do you call a factory that only makes good products?
A satisfactory
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
He did not have sufficient stability in his arm at that moment causing him to loosen his grip and drop his ice cream.
Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber?
He had loco-motives.
Who's the world most famous blacksmith?
Will Smith
What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?
An Opti-Mystic.
What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?
An ambulance you racist.
What did the African American ninja say to the Jewish bartender?
Can I have a beer?
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers.
Can the ninja throw his ninja stars?
Shurikan.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered sex offender.
When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Why is Jesus never able to finish more than half of a crossword puzzle?
He always gets stuck on across.
How do you tell if your scrotum is ticklish?
Give it a couple test tickles.
If I have a bee in my hand, what is in my eyes?
Beauty, because beauty is in the eyes of the bee-holder.
Want to hear a construction joke?
I'm still working on it.
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.
Why did the white man go to jail?
He broke the law.
What's brown and smells like shit?
Shit.
Why do Nuns always wear Black and White?
No particular reason, it's just a habit they have.
If a dove represents peace, which bird represents true love?
The swallow.
What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends?
There's not mushroom in here.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean?
A nervous wreck.
How did I get from Afghanistan to Iraq?
Iran.
Did you hear about the coroner who always was early for his shift?
He could not wait to get to work and crack open a cold one.
Who cares if toilet paper is soft or not?
Only an asshole can tell the difference anyway.
What's the difference between a black person and a white person?
They have different skin tones.
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme!
Why shouldn't you throw a rock at a black guy on a bike?
Because its not very nice.
Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?
"NASThe Sky's The Limit"
"Daddy, how do stars die?"
"Drugs, normally."
Why did the Ghost enter the bar?
For the BOOOOS.
What happened with the wooden car with wooden wheels, wooden seats, and a wooden engine?
It wooden go.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.
What's the most useful material?
Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.
How do you get two whales in a car?
You can't. Whales are very large creatures and cannot fit into anything that size.
What are two things dinosaurs can't have for dinner?
Breakfast and lunch.
How do you live with erectile dysfunction?
It turns out, it's not very hard at all
What do you call female dogs that are good at math?
Sum bitches
What did the 3 tampons say when they walked past you?
Nothing! They were all stuck up bitches...
What did one socially awkward kid say to another socially awkward kid?
Nothing.
Guess what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
Whats wet, fishy, and gets caught by fishermen?
Fish.
What's a fish store with no fish?
A water store.
How do you make a baby cry?
You throw bricks at its face.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Whats the point? Feminists can't take a joke anyway.
Why did the Asian man have a small penis?
Because he was flaccid.
What gets bigger every time I see my wife?
My wife.
Why did the boat sink?
The captain drove it into a pile of sharp rocks.
Where did Susie go after an explosion?
Everywhere
What do you call a dog that's half poodle, half bulldog?
A dog.
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
*cough* *choke* *gargle*
What is harder than Jenga?
Being a quadriplegic.
Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball?
Because Africa isn't a country.
Did you hear the joke about King Midas and King Oedipus?
It's pure, motherfucking gold.
Hey girl is your dad in jail...
...Because if I was your dad, I would be
Why'd the Mexican cross the road?
He took the chicken's job.
Why don't black people go on cruise ships?
They're not falling for that again.
What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?
Oakley Dokelys.
What do you call a school bus full of black people?
A school bus, you racist.
What do you call an angry German?
A sour kraut.
Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right?
Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit.
What's the best thing to ever come out of Kentucky?
I-75.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
What's the last thing that went through John F Kennedy's head?
A bullet.
What is Michael Bay's favorite move in chess?
C4
Why are there no living cats on Mars?
Because Curiosity killed them all.
What has four legs and one arm?
An attack dog in an elementary school.
What's harder than a diamond?
Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick.
Did you hear about the two gay ghosts?
They gave each other the willies.
How are marriage and CPR training the same?
You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again
What do Trump supporters and child molesters have in common?
They both like immature assholes.
What did one DNA say to the other DNA?
Do these genes make me look fat?
Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because one of them dropped a nickel.
Why wouldn't Hillary Clinton let Bill be her IT manager?
She was too worried how often the servers would go down on him.
Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?
It takes longer to pick up.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history?
Mrs. Pac-Man, for 25c she swallowed balls until she died
What's the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?
A boy scout comes home from camp
What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?
About thirty thousand dollars a year.
Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?
Because Somalia doesn't have an education system
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Have you seen the midget outside Wal-Mart, that hides from gay people?
Of course you haven't.
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky
Why were the melons upset when they were denied a marriage license?
Because it means they *cantaloupe*
What's the hardest part about rollerblading?
Telling your parents you're gay.
Why did Trump call for a ban on all llamas entering the US?
because he isllamaphobic
How can you tell when a Software Developer is an extrovert ?
He looks at your shoes when he's talking to you.
Why did the man smoke a cigarette in Beijing?
To get some fresh air
Did you hear about the blonde identical twins?
They couldn't tell each other apart.
What is the brown sticky stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
what do vegan zombies eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaains...
How do you get your girlfriend to stop giving you blowjobs?
You marry her.
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why is it that when Dick Cheney shot someone in the face, nothing happened, but when Clinton did it he was impeached?
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They rearranged the furniture.
What's crunchy on the outside and airy in the inside?
A lightbulb.
What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears?
A gf gif gift grift
What is the difference between Trump supporters and everyone else?
Trump supporters vote
What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
why don't Jewish people like getting made fun of?
Because millions of them already got roasted
What does a Native American Biologist live in?
ATP
What did Kermit the Frog say when Jim Henson died?
Nothing.
What do you call it when a Dinosaur can't perform in bed?
A reptile dysfunction. Thank high me for that one.
What do you call a security guard who works at Samsung?
a Guardian of the Galaxy
What does a vegan zombie eat?
GRAAAIIINNNSSS!!!!
What is the difference between one night stand, long relationship and marriage?
in one night stand you tear off the panties in long relationship you gently remove the panties in marriage you wash and dry the panties. then fold them and put them in the clothes cupboard.
What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lube
Why Did it Take so Long to Legalize Gay Marriage?
Because their priorities weren't straight.
How do you ruin a date with Princess Leia?
By saying Alderaan things.
Why did the church hire a prostitute?
Her resume said "missionary position"
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor
Why do blondes have schools underwater.
Because deep down, they're not so stupid.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
He lay awake in bed all night, wondering if there was really a dog.
What do you call a blonde that dyed her hair brown?
Artificial Intelligence.
How do you stop the Polish army on horseback?
You turn off the carousel.
Why did the math teacher join the dark side?
Because only a sith deals in absolutes. I fucking thought of this while in the bathroom. And if it's already thought of, then fuck them. This is the sole accomplishment of my life and I can't let anybody take that away from me.
Why is Jesus Christ so buff?
Crossfit.
What do you call a person whose wife was the Queen, daughter is a Princess and his boss is the Emperor, but he himself is no royal?
Darth Vader.
Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're good people.
How often does an oriental farmer milk his cows?
Dairy
Why does Donald Trump have a foreign wife?
Because some jobs American's just won't do.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sore-ass
What's 668?
The Neighbor of the Beast.
What do you call children born of ginger people?
Ginger-bred
what's the difference between a girl in a church and a girl in a bathtub?
The girl in church has hope in her soul whilst the girl in the bathtub has...
What do you call masturbating on a plane
Hi-jacking Never forget
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Hitler
Hitler had supporters.
how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
one will see you later, and the other in a while
What's the difference between a lobster and a Japanese woman run over by a steamroller?
One's a crustacean and the other is a crushed Asian.
Who makes more money: a prostitute or a drug dealer?
Depends on who has the best crack.
How do dating sites in Alabama save money?
They link to Ancestry.com
How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, we just sit in the dark complaining about capitalism. But come the light-bulb revolution everything will be brighter.
What do you call a blonde in a closet?
Last years hide and seek champion.
What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How do pigs talk?
Swine language.
What's the difference between Doctor Who and Facebook?
When the Doctor changes the timeline, it's usually for a good reason.
What did one Buddhist Master give to the child for his birthday?
Nothing wrapped in Emptiness. How did the birthday child respond? You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift. To which the Buddhist Master replied, "Thank you."
Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners of the monastery?
Because they have no attachments.
What does a cannibal do after dumping their girlfriend?
They wipe, flush, and wash their hands.
What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common?
Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering.
Why doesn't Rihanna tell her boyfriend jokes anymore?
He always beats her to the punchline.
What did the French chef say when the cheese factory exploded? Looks like we have debris all over the place
How are mashed potatoes similar to an online college degree?
If it ends up on your wall, you're probably retarded.
What's thick, black, and over a foot long?
My roommate's asian girlfriend's hair clogging the fucking shower drain.
Why did Johnny fail his programming class?
His mom kept telling him to do his homework, "No ifs, ands, or buts!"
What does having sex with me and the holocaust have in common?
There are people who still deny it ever happened.
Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant?
He got creped out.
Whats the difference between an Introverted Engineer and an Extroverted Engineer?
Introverted Engineer looks at His shoes when he's talking to you. Extroverted Engineer looks at Your shoes when he's talking to you.
What did the boy scout do that the Jewish boy couldn't
Come home from camp
How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart?
By taste.
Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits?
Because they're friends with grand wizards.
What do Asian pirates do?
They fry pranes!
Did you hear about the man who worked with horses his whole life?
He had a stable job. I guess uh.. I'll just leave
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choirboy.
What's the best drug to have sex on?
Birth control.
What crime did the man get charged with when he killed a black man?
Impersonating a police officer.
How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?
Trying to read her own lips.
What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
Remarry
Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who tried to fuck a clock?
He heard time was relative.
What's the most-clicked link on the Alzheimer's support website?
Forgot Your Password?
Did you hear about the farmer that failed dairy farming school?
He didn't work well with udders.
How do you make a hormone?
You pay her. (This was told at my pharmacy school. We laughed and then felt shame afterwards.)
Where does an atom go when it breaks down?
A quantum mechanic.
What do you call 2 gay Irishmen?
Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael
How do you get Americans to join a war?
Tell them it's nearly finished.
Why couldn't Princess Leia find love?
She was looking in Alderaan places.
Whats the difference between a Jew and a boyscout?
The boyscout comes home from camp
What's the best way to get a Jewish girls number?
Roll up her sleeve.
How do mathematicians scold their children?
"If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times ..."
Whats the difference between a seatbelt and a condom?
One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident.
How many Amish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A what?
How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist?
Gingerly.
Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?
Because he was a mass murderer
What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter
Warning: Offensive Harry got out of the chamber.
How do you escape from a Jewish Cop?
You take the toll road.
What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?
The Delete Key
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but the trick is finding two people small enough to fit IN the lightbulb...
Did you hear that the Apple CEO announced he was gay?
The next day the Samsung CEO also announced he was gay and waterproof.
What's the most offensive joke you have heard?
Here is a few I've heard: What's the best thing about sex with twenty one year olds? There's twenty of them How do you get an emo out of a tree? Cut the rope What do you call a black woman who's had 7 abortions? A crime fighter Whats the difference between a Jew and a dollar? People would care about losing 6 million dollars
What do you call a preacher with an erection?
A firm believer
Why do men stare at a woman's breasts?
To prove they can focus on two things at once.
How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo?
They heard she could handle a cockatoo.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't, they just shoot the room for being black. I guess you could say that was dark humor?
Did you hear about the man whose first girlfriend was a dwarf?
He's still nuts over her.
how do you know you are a real redneck?
you let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.
What is a group of gay pirates favorite pastime?
Pegging each other's booty.
Why did the stripper need more insurance?
She had little to no coverage.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Get jalapeno business
What's the difference between finding $50 and anal sex?
One will make your day, the other will make your hole weak.
Why did Moses vote for Al Gore?
Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.
What do you get when you put 50 Politicians in a room with 50 lesbians?
100 cunts that don't do dick.
Why are Native Americans the best strippers?
Because when they dance they make it rain.
What do you call a dinosaur that only eats the most delicious food?
A connoisaur
How do you know if you're at a gay barbecue?
The hotdogs taste like shit.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a badly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire.
I have sex with my girlfriend and her twin. How do I tell them apart?
Her brother has a moustache.
What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap?
Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it takes a long time, and the lightbulb has to want to change...
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.
Did you guys hear about the 4 car accident in Mexico?
...94 people died.
How many Software Engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None- that's hardware.
What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.
What do you call a confederate that's bleeding out?
A rebel without a gauze
Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom?
Because he hates it raw.
How can you spot the prostitute at the Miss America pageant?
She's wearing a sash that says Idaho.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Because he had a hole in one.
What are the bouncers called at a gay bar?
Flamethrowers.
Why do drug dealers hate prostitutes?
Because prostitutes can wash their crack and sell it again.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't worry about changing the lightbulb. I'll just sit here in the dark.
Why is outer space so clean?
It's a vacuum!
What do you call an elephant the circus no longer needs?
Irrelephant.
What do you call 16 white American people?
A full blooded Cherokee
Why do you never wanna see an elevator in a horror game?
Cuz you know something's about to go down. I'm sorry
Which American state is not great, but not bad either?
OK.
Have you heard the joke you are never supposed to tell a gay person?
Oh. Sorry.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
She gets a frog in her throat at 69!
What do you call a natural blonde who dyes her hair?
Artificial intelligence.
Why don't people tell Chemistry jokes?
Because they never get a reaction.
What do Crocs and getting a BJ by a dude have in common?
They both feel fantastic till you look down and realize you're gay.
What happened when the lawyer took a Viagra?
He got taller.
Why don't any American football players wear glasses?
Because it is a contact sport!
What does the US Government use to spy on a high school student?
An essay.
What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
How do drugs end up in prison?
They get smuggled in by some asshole.
What's the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding?
One less drunk.
What do you call a prostitute who does both men and women?
An omniwhore.
Why couldn't the computer play golf?...
...Because it had the wrong Driver
What do you call an elevator with a group of slim, softly spoken, intelligent people inside?
A Lift (only a joke, my American friends)
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline!
How do you make a woman go blind?
Put a windshield in front of her.
What do men who receive compressed porn files do when they are alone?
They unzip.
What should you do before cooking the vegetables?
Remove the wheelchair
what do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
What do pussy and cigarettes have in common?
There's more flavor the closer you get to the butt.
Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents?
Word to your mother.
What happened when the reporter fell into the water?
She became an anchor.
How soft is Bill Gate's pillow?
Microsoft.
Why do gay men float?
Flambuoyancy
What does a drunk police officer do?
Protect and swerve.
What's the best thing about being born on 9/11/99?
You had the two biggest candles on your second birthday.
What's the difference between my dick and my jokes?
My girlfriend never laughs at my jokes
How do you save a pirate's life?
C P Arrr!
What do you get when you cross a Drug cartel and a Mafia lord?
Probably killed.
How do you make an elephant float?
A can of coke, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and an elephant.
Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed over by a period
When you get old, your hearing starts to go...
Three old men are walking down the street one afternoon. The first one remarks "Windy, isn't it?" The second one says "Nah! It's Thursday." The third one nods and replies "So am I, let's stop for a drink."
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop an onion.
What do you call a disabled paedophile?
A creepy crawler
Have you heard about the Jewish comedian?
They say he Israeli funny.
How do you turn German beer into American Beer?
Drink it
What do Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney have in common?
Both shot someone in the face while in office.
What kind of shoes do Frogs wear?
Open Toad sandals.
What did the scientist say when a stranger came inside his lab?
What the fuck dude get the hell away from my dog!
Why do professional boxers not have sex the night before a big fight?
Because they don't like each other very much.
How can you tell if a farmer is a good farmer?
He's out standing in his field.
What do you call the pirate with the second largest penis?
Long John Silver First of my original jokes to actually make my girlfriend chuckle.
Why can lesbians leave town faster than gay men?
A lesbian can just lickitey-split, a gay man has to pack his shit first.
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Brazilian.
What do ghosts do when they're sad?
They get in an elevator to lift their spirits.
What do a fly and a boner have in common?
You can't go to sleep without whacking it.
What is the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with terrorists
What does Bill Clinton tell Hillary after sex?
I'll be home in 45 min.
Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives?
They're called the Clue Clucks Clan
What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman?
Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just two, but I have no idea how they got in the lightbulb.
What's a rednecks favorite part of archaeology?
Relative dating
What is trust?
Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?
Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.
How do you break the nose of a blonde without touching her?
Wave your cock underneath a glass table
What does a sperm cell have in common with a lawyer?
Both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Why do University of Alabama graduates place their diplomas on their rear-view mirrors?
So they can park in handicap spots.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor
Did you hear about the alligator who couldn't get a hard-on?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Which dinosaur named all the others?
The Thesaurus
How does Kanye West screw in a lightbulb?
He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.
What does a Jew do at a coffee shop?
Hebrew's coffee.
Why did the hippie lifeguard not save the drowning boy?
He was too far out man!!
What do a teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking, "Oh shit! My mom's gonna kill me."
Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve?
The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.
What's the difference between heaven and hell?
In heaven, the Brits are the police, the Germans are mechanics and the French are cooks. In hell, the Germans are the police, the French are the mechanics and the Brits are the cooks.
Why Eiffel Tower is so high?
So the white flag can be visible from Berlin. Sorry :P .
whats the difference between my driveway and 14 year old daughter?
... I pull out of my driveway
What did the gay man say to his cheating boyfriend?
I see you already have your shit packed, now get out.
What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?
A flat minor.
How is a dyslexic stand-up like an MMA fighter who comes home to find his GF in a gangbang?
They both punchup the fuckline.
Why is Alabama the worlds biggest sandwich?
Because the whole state is inbred
How do convicts get drugs while they're in prison?
Some asshole brings 'em in.
Why did the black man walk into a bar?
Because the cell door was still locked.
Why is Halloween a hillbilly's favorite holiday?
Because they like to pumpkin. I'll see myself out...
What do you call an Irishman that stays out all night?
Patty O'Furniture
Why don't Amish people water ski?
Because their horses would drown.
What do the mafia and 69 have in common?
A slip of the tongue and you're in for some shit.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
Liberty
Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a prostitute at his bachelor party?
Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding
Where did the little Japanese girl go when the little boy dropped by?
Everywhere.
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
The prostitute can wash their crack and sell it again.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with... And the other carries groceries.
What do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAAAIIINNNNSS!!!
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The Rooster.
Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late to the luncheon?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government.
One of them is organised.
How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?
I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.
How many feminists does it take to screw a lightbulb?
One to screw it in and nine to write on their blogs about how enlightening the experiment was.
What does baby computer call his father?
Data.
What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?
A family reunion.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a "waist"?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there
Why do horses have such a low divorce rate?
Because they're all in *stable* relationships!
What's the difference between a Nun in Church and a Nun in the bath
One has Hope in her Soul the other has Soap in her Hole.
Why is Santa Claus always a man?
Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.
Why are rubber tires black?
So the police know what to shoot at during a chase
How many people in denial does it take to change a lightbulb ?
There is nothing wrong with the lightbulb.
How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German?
Kinder Surprise
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer goes *thwack* fuck... A skydiver goes FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- *THWACK*
What's the difference between a camel and a Russian?
A camel can walk for 30 days without drinking but a Russian can drink for 30 days without walking.
How do you tell if your girlfriend's ticklish?
You give her a test tickle.
Why do Asians have squinty eyes?
because their future is so bright
Who is Donald Trump's least favourite rock band?
Foreigner.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't. They just beat the room for being black.
What's the most common marriage proposal?
You're what!
What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down?
Build a house next to it.
Why did the blonde get excited after finishing her puzzle in 6 months?
The box said 2-4 years!
What was the first thing Helen Keller noticed at the beach?
The volleyball net.
Why couldn't the American leave Russia?
He was Snowden.
What happens when you hit a Jewish guy?
Hebrewses
What's the aim of a Jewish football match?
Getting the quarterback.
Why is it so hard to get into a relationship with an SJW?
Because they have high double standards.
What do you call a man with his hand up a horses ass?
An Amish mechanic. A favorite from Robin Williams
What do two rednecks getting divorced and a tornado have in common?
Someone is going to lose a trailer.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Again with the victim blaming, jerk? Don't tell us to change the lightbulb, tell the lightbulb to not need changing.
What's a prostitute's favorite position?
Whore-izontal. Zing! This has been a productive day at work.
Why is acne better than a catholic priest?
At least acne waits till a kid is 14 to come on his face.
What did one earthquake say to the other?
Was that your fault or mine?
Why didn't the native Americans go out to dinner?
They lost their reservations.
Why can't pirates recite the alphabet?
They keep getting lost at sea.
What do a penis and a Rubik's Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Your girl has to chew before she swallows.
What's the difference between a $20 prostitute and a $200 prostitute?
When the $20 one swallows, it's because she's hungry.
How do you know your girlfriend is too young for you?
You have to make airplane noises to put your dick in her mouth
What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus?
Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.
What's the difference between an Iraqi school and an Iraqi Army base?
One poses a significant potential threat to ISIS and its continued existence. The other is an Iraqi Army base.
Why are elephants big and grey?
Because if they were small and purple, they would be called grapes.
Why was the dildo company so successful?
Good product placement.
What is the difference between Jamaicans and Jewish people?
Their reaction when someone asks if they want to get baked.
What do you call the first sperm that reaches the egg?
The ova achiever
Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?
but they hired a government contractor that cut corners
What's the difference between a Catholic and Baptist?
A Catholic will say hello to you in a liquor store.
Me: Why is gay marriage such an issue now-a-days?
Friend: Because people are FUCKING ASSHOLES! This can be taken in two ways and both are correct.
Did you know that Stalin had a girlfriend that cheated on him?
You know what, don't worry about it. She's out of the picture now anyway.
Did you hear about the guy who landed in the hospital after shoving 8 plastic toy horses in his butt?
His condition is stable.
What is grey and comes in quarts?
An elephant
What's the difference between a hipster and a homeless man?
An Instagram account.
What's the strongest color?
Super Cyan
What was the Neo Nazi's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft
Did you hear about the fire at the bakery?
No one was hurt but business is toast.
What's the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife?
A prostitute says "Faster, faster!" A girlfriend says "More, more!" A wife says "Beige... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.
What's the worst thing about owning a dildo farm?
Squatters.
What did the prostitute say to her customer after he finished paying?
"It was a business doing pleasure with you."
How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?
None, it is a hardware issue!
What do you call a herd of masturbating cows?
Beef stroganoff
Why do elephants drink so much?
To forget.
Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration?
To beat the crowds.
What did the earthquake say to all of its victims?
Oh, sorry...my fault.
Why did President Kennedy never get drunk?
He wasn't very good at taking shots.
What do they call Peter Pan in China?
Peter Wok
What does the president of Russia call his toilet?
Vladimir's Poo Tin
What do you call a gay man in his house by himself?
homolone
Why it feels so hard to break up with a japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
What does a five year old and a penis have in common?
If it doesn't come when you tell it to, then just beat it harder. (I am so sorry)
Have you heard about the elevator conspiracy?
Hundreds of people are saying they got stuck between floors. But I don't believe them. I think they made it up.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Just because she's dead doesn't mean she can't still screw.
What does Spiderman do when he's not fighting crime?
Web Development.
What's big, Scottish, and depressing?
Scotland.
How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term?
Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.
Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy?
The mafia doesn't like witnesses.
Why are men smarter during sex?
Because during sex they're plugged into a fucking know-it-all!
Which President had the shortest term?
Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.
What is Donald Trump's favorite nation?
Discrimination.
What's the difference between Trump and Hitler?
Hitler knew when to kill himself
How do you hit on a Jewish girl?
Tell her that she israeli hot!
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The second telephone.
What's the similarity between smoking a cigarette and eating pussy?
The taste changes the closer you get to the butt.
Have you heard about the dyslexic satanist?
Sold his soul to Santa.
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild?
A $100 bill.
What did the German physicist call his beer mug?
Ein stein.
Why won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder take any Flint tap water with him overseas in order to stick to his promise that he'd drink it for a full month?
Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa
Why did the Irishman put 239 beans in the soup pot?
Because any more would be too farty.
What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?
To the airport please
What do asian cannibals eat?
"rawmen"
What the difference between a catholic priest and a pimple?
Pimples wait until puberty to come on your face.
What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?
Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.
Why aren't Jews easily distracted?
because they've been to concentration camp.
Why do people like Hillary Clinton?
When she can't even stand herself?
Why did the farmer fire the DJ?
Because he kept on dropping beets.
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
Northern fairy tails start with, "Once upon a time," and Southern fairy tales start with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
How does an Arab farmer find his goat in the sand dunes?
Very satisfying.
Why does a bride wear white?
So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.
How are blind kids punished by their parents?
The parents move the furniture.
How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Not sure, first they have to figure out which way to spin it.
How much do pirates charge for piercings?
A buck an ear.
What do you call it when my girlfriend kills 250 million unborn children
A Swallocaust.
Why did the condom fly across the room?
Because it got pissed off.
What's the difference between a pretty girl and a bowl of soup?
One is so hot that you blow on it before you stick your dick in, and the other is a person and shouldn't be seen as a mere sexual object.
Why did the cucumber blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
What do the Police and Pokemon have in common?
They gotta catch 'Jamal
How do you get Americans to care about the Sudanese genocide?
Dress them up as dead lions
What do farts and children have in common?
You love your own, but hate everyone else's.
What was Adolf Hitler's campaign slogan?
*"Auschwitz the old, in with the Jews!"*
Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?
The specific ocean.
What do girlfriends and ass hairs have in common?
They never let shit go.
What's the difference between an American and a Briton?
Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.
Why did the chicken kill himself?
To get to the other side.
What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians?
Comic Sans
What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut?
A Barbecue. Christmas crackers are just full of laughs.
How do you make a blonde laugh at Easter?
Tell her a joke at Christmas
What can't you hide in a basement full of dead hookers?
My erection
What's more useless than a condom at a feminist rally?
Everyone there.
How many Hillary Clinton fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Hillary Clinton fans prefer to stay in the dark.
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you.
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
Why did Medusa order pizza?
Her boyfriend was stoned.
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Wanna go for a bike ride?
Why is whacking a Donald Trump pinata a really *bad* idea?
Because it's full of shit
What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?
... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.
What is a pirate's favourite letter?
He doesn't have one. He's illiterate.
How do you keep a blonde busy for years?
Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.
Where does Peter Pan like to eat out?
Wendy's.
Why did Bob get fired from his job at the dildo factory?
Because he got caught sitting on the job.
What do anal sex and bungee jumping have in common?
If the rubber breaks, you're in the shit.
what did the pirate do after his parrot bit off his genitals?
He got a woodpecker.
Did you hear about the gay midget?
he just came out of the cabinet.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile
How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
What do you get when you cross a cat and an octopus?
A strong reprimand from the ethics committee and immediate rescission of all funding.
Have you heard about the Roman cannibalism trial?
They asked the defendant if he was sorry for his crimes. He said no, he was gladiator.
How did the little boy save the catholic priest's life?
He found a lump on his testicle.
What do you call a war between two cannibal tribes?
A food fight.
What's the difference between Pink Floyd and Princess Diana?
Pink Floyd kept going after the wall.
Have you heard about the sequel to
the Exorcist ? In the new version, a woman hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.
What happens to lawyers after they die?
They lie still.
How often do scientists check the element table?
Periodically...
What do a puppy and a near sighted gynecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
What's the Al-Qaeda's favourite sports team?
The New York Jets.
How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.
Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
They don't want to wear out the camel.
What did the Mexican say when his homework flew out the window?
Where you going essay!?
How do we know that Jews crucified Jesus?
They used one nail for both legs.
What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party?
He got the cold shoulder.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
The P. If the P was taken away, he would be irate
What do men and hardwood flooring have in common?
Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?
Would you like to buy some candy?
What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant?
E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home.
When cats are sad...
Bartender: "What can I get you?" Cat: "Shot of tequila." *Bartender pours it.* *Cat slowly pushes it off the bar.* Cat: "I'll have another."
What do you call a redneck virgin?
A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers.
How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.
Alien vs predator
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Drivers License?
Because she got an F in sex.
Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?
"Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport
What do you call a principal who gives good blow jobs?
A headmaster.
How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?
The power is on and you're connected to the internet.
Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?
'Scurvy
What do you call a Amish man with his arm up a horses arse
A mechanic
Do you know why donuts have a hole in them?
Because the baker made them with love. ^^^^^also ^^^^^why ^^^^^they're ^^^^^glazed
What do you call an alcohol free Japanese city?
Nadasaki
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they never get the house.
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
How do I know that Trump will be our next president?
Because Orange is the new Black.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing...
What is the difference between Trump's tie and a horse's tail?
The horse's tail covers the whole asshole
What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brown
Artificial Intelligence
When they start with the punchline.
How do you know if your friend is a bad comedian?
Why did the farmer get an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
What has 60 feet and 5 teeth?
The front row of a Trump rally.
What kind of soup do men have after sex?
Split pee
What did the physicist say to the suicidal guy on the bridge?
Don't do it! You have potential!
What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gaelic
Did you hear about the paperboy who used to masturbate on the job?
No? Really? Weird, it was all over the news.
Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?
He couldn't handle the boos.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is good, but the atmosphere is terrible.
Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is getting fat?
When she fits in your wife's clothing.
What do cannibals get when they are late for dinner?
The cold shoulder
Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?
Because he was Snow'den.
What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?
Drool
What is white and gold and black and blue?
A blonde in a physically abusive relationship. See you guys in hell.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light-bulb?
You can un-screw the light-bulb
What computer monitor sings the best?
A Dell.
What do Jews throw when they riot?
Mozeltov Cocktails
Why can't gay people play poker?
Because they can't keep a straight face.
Did you hear about the famous Italian chef that recently died?
He pasta way.
What is the best pickup line at a gay bar?
Let me push your stool in for you. ^^I'm^sorry.
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
Why can't you have sex after playing Assassin's Creed?
Because Ubisoft
What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
They both come when you're asleep.
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
A canoe occasionally tips
"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. "
"Really? I go swimming and for long hikes" "I know.".
How come American cops always lose at pool?
Because they always shoot down the black one first.
How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?
He will build alternative fact-tories
What did the Scottish epileptic boy get for Christmas?
A Wii fit
How is a penis and a paycheck the same?
Neither one is big enough to satisfy your wife
What happened to the Mexican after Donald Trump was elected?
[removed]
How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom?
A Lot.
Why don't Jewish men eat pussy?
Because it's too close to the gas chamber.
What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests?
A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.
What's the first thing a cannibal does in the morning?
Grab a cup of joe.
Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?
Because their lips have so many chaps on them!
Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?
Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.
What do scientists and vegetables have in common?
Stephen Hawking
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
She found another women's lipstick on his knuckles.
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but it takes two doctors and a nurse to get it out.
Whats the difference between the government and a stripper?
Strippers don't rig their polls.
What's the difference between America and Europe?
In America, we call our inbred hillbillies. In Europe, they call them royals.
What's Afghanistan's National Bird?
An American drone.
What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?
Your nuts hang out the side. A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change
What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?
One goes limp when a child walks in the room.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until its bill withers.
How Many People Do the Police Have to Kill to Start a Riot?
3/5ths
How many prostitutes do you have to kill until someone notices?
I'm not sure yet.
What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs?
An army.
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.
What did the slutty girl buy at the furniture store?
One nightstand.
Why do Jewish people watch porn backwards?
They like the part where the prostitute pays them.
What's green and sits on the porch?
Paddy O'Furniture. Happy St. Patrick's Day!
How does a black mother tell her children apart?
She remembers them by their last names.
How does Santa know if he lands on a Jewish house?
There's a parking meter on the roof.
Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts?
The other 20% drive Mercedes
Why does the homeless man only drink coffee?
He had no proper tea..
Why is a bulimic's favorite restaurant KFC?
Cause it comes with a bucket.
Why are no murders solved in West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA and no one has any teeth.
What do you call a doctor who eats his vegetables?
A cannibal.
Why couldn't the dyslexic plantation owner get anything done?
Gingers just don't last in the sun.
Who had it worse than the Jews in 1941?
The Jews in 1942.
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
The spaghetto.
What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
What's the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?
Endless love
how do you know asians have broken into your home?
the dog is gone, the homework is done and they're still trying to get out of the driveway
What is the difference between God and a police officer?
God doesn't think he's a police officer.
What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer?
Ash
What do you call gingers in Auschwitz?
Concentrated Orange Jews
"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"
And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"
What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common?
Both are measured in revolutions per minute.
What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar?
Her/she
Why are Americans bad at DotA ?
Because they can't defend their towers.
Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?
She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels?
He had a bounty on his head.
What did Hillary Clinton do when her email was hacked?
She asked Donald Trump to build a firewall.
What's the difference between America and yoghurt?
If you leave yoghurt alone for long enough it develops its own culture
What is an extremist's favourite thing to have sex with?
A blow up doll
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea...
What do a woman and a grenade have in common?
Pull off the ring and the house is gone.
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A computer accepts a 3.5 in. floppy.
What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?
Ryan
What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews?
The way they traveled through the chimney.
What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer?
Gluten tag
Do you think Donald Trump get his hairpieces for free...
...or does he have toupee?
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court ?
He heard the ref was blowing fouls
What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl?
You can just drop her off anywhere.
Why did the Jew vote for Obama?
Because he promised change.
What's the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?
In a casino, you really mean it.
What do womens' breasts and toy trains have in common?
They're intended for children, but it's the fathers that wind up playing with them.
Did you hear about the prostitute who had a vagina surgically implanted on her hip?
She wanted to make a little money on the side.
How do you spot a blind man on a nudist beach?
It's not hard.
Why are relationships complex?
Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary
Why were all the computers in the company frozen?
Because they let IT go
What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?
Reintarnation.
Do you know the Pistorious drinking game?
Every time your girlfriend comes into the room you take four shots.
What does Donald Trump tell Barack Obama supporters?
Orange Is The New Black
How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?
He spent his day cutting up vegetables
What happens when you shoot a black man?
You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...
What is college feminism? 10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat.
What's worse than passing out and waking up after a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this...
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side!
How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.
What's more Irish than eating potatoes?
Not eating potatoes.
Why are Americans so good at shooting?
They have the best schools for it.
What do you call a Frenchman that wears sandals?
Phillipe Floppe Courtesy, my Neuroscience Prof.
What's the difference between children and Isis?
Drones can't tell either
Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?
Because it was a mail dominated industry
What did the testicle say to the other testicle?
"Between you and me, I think something's up." I'm slightly tipsy, this is probably a terrible joke. Merry Christmas!
Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job?
Ubisoft
What did the Irishman text his Wife?
"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."
What do you call a gay drive by?
A fruit-rollup
What do you call a circle of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklins!
What's Bill Clinton's favorite instrument to play?
His whore Monica.
What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?
...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!
What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands... I like this joke because it never grows old... This joke is off the hook... Sorry
When do Jews go swimming?
When it Israeli hot
Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers?
they only had one pickup
What are they going to use to build the wall?
The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president.
Why are European cars the lightest?
because there's no Americans sitting in them.
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
Why does Helen Keller play piano with only one hand?
Because she uses the other one to sing
Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine?
The Crimea River
Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?
Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.
What's a pirate's favorite explosive?
M80
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?
Harry gets to take the train back.
What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A dictator.
What do we want?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!
When do want them?! NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWW!!!
What is the objective of Jewish football?
To get the quarter back.
What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?
A sunken chest with no booty.
Know why vodka is so clear?
It's so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.
What did Donald Trump hate most about school?
Essays.
Why does West Virginia have so many unsolved murders?
There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
Why doesn't ebola medicine work in Africa?
Because it can't be taken on empty stomach.
What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?
Men toes.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Mainly, the taste.
What's a redneck's favorite dating website?
Ancestry.com
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
When she can't find her pencil and there is a tampon behind her ear.
Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in 3s and 5s?
Because they literally can't even.
What's the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
What is long, hard and has cum in it.....?
A cucumber
How many American rugby fans does it take to change a lightbulb
Both of them
What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?
They both shred footage. (*be gentle, it's my first time.*)
Why did the blonde snort splenda?
She thought it was diet coke.
Why do Jews get their penises circumcised?
Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off
Why couldn't anyone hear Helen Keller scream?
She was wearing mittens.
What's the difference between Politicians and Thieves?
Thief: They steal your money then run Politician: They run and then steal your money
Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?
Because he was a cagey bee agent.
What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend, and your wife?
When you're having sex a hooker says "are you done yet?" Your girlfriend says "you're done already?" And your wife says "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."
How is anal sex like your first car?
It may not be exactly what you wanted but that doesn't stop your Dad from giving it to you anyway.
What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?
Gee, you knit?
Why didn't the bike go to the car show?
Because he was two tired.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. You don't need a lightbulb when you have a glass ceiling.
Did you know when a man masturbates he generates 5 BTU of energy..
So if you had 5000 men in a room masturbating, it would be extremely gay.
Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?
because they can't protect their towers
Why can't two elephants go swimming?
-They only have one pair of trunks.
What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?
White Vans.
Why does Elton John play the piano?
Because he sucks on an organ.
What's the difference between a feminist and a computer?
You can punch information into a computer.
How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?
Put it into airplane mode.
What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive)
Alien vs. Predator
How many ADHD children does it take to change a lightbulb?
Lets go ride our bikes
How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They prefer to be left in the dark.
What shape is your hair in the morning?
A wrecktangle.
Did you know condoms have serial numbers?
Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.
what's the difference between oral and anal sex?
Good oral can make your whole day, good anal makes your hole weak.
What do you call a beautiful woman having sex with a comedian?
Pretty fucking funny.
How do you make the best Harlem Shake video?
You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander?
Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"
When does 1+1=3?
When you don't use a condom.
what do you call a priest who quits to become a lawyer?
..... a father in law.
Why do Americans spell it as 'color' and not 'colour'?
Because fuck u that's why.
Why are gay people bad liars?
They can't keep a straight face
What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?
Nothing.
What do women and modern computers have in common?
Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.
How did the redneck find his sister in the woods?
Attractive.
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting millions of illegal immigrants?
Juan by Juan
Why was the blonde nymphomaniac sad after she got her driver's license?
She got an F in sex.
What do you call the sweat between two people having sex in Arkansas?
Relative Humidity
Why did God create the orgasm?
So women can moan even when they are happy.
Did you hear about the dyslexic, homosexual rooster?
Dude'll do a cock!
Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?
They only had 2 vans
Where does Wal-Mart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.
How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none. That's a hardware problem but have you tried turning it on and off again?
What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym?
An acronym stands for something
Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?
A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.
What does the US military and a fart have in common?
Air Force
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?
One dumbass who never pulls out in time
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
What is the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A whore will have sex with anybody, a bitch will have sex with anybody except you.
What's the difference between a gay man and a fridge?
A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?
An oxymormon.
Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?
So no one would tell him how to make Adam.
What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke?
Yours.
Why did the Libertarian cross the road?
None of your damn business. Am I being detained?
What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?
The restraining order
How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?
In Fidel.
What do you get if you take off the red dot on the Japanese flag?
The French flag!
What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table?
Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?
What's a pirates favourite letter?
P, because without it they're irate
How do you blindfold an Asian woman?
Put a windshield in front of her.
What do men and women have in common?
Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.
What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?
A Guantanamo Bae Thought of this one earlier and just had to share
Which of the American forces is the most patriotic?
The Air Force, because it's US AF.
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs. I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original. Thanks for the gold !
What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear?
Claude
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer?
Thanks, Obama.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
They are really good at it.
Who was the greatest prostitute of all time?
Ms. Pacman. for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls until she died
Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives?
For shits and giggles.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair
Virgin Mobile
What do you call two gay Irish men?
Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nobody knows, they never get to keep the house.
What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie?
Professor + I'm sorry. lol.
How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?
Ask them to pronounce the word, "unionized".
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?
Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. We don't address hardware issues.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
What's a gay man's favorite planet?
Earth, most likely. Unless he's personally interested in space exploration, in which case he might say Mars.
How did the chicken cross the street in the ghetto
In a bucket
What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?
Invite two of them.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it. I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
What does Donald Trump's hair get at the end of each day?
[removed]
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to blog about how empowering it was.
What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?
A fart. *dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*
Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat?
Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe. He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?
A vegetarian.
Why was the piano teacher arrested?
He kept fingering A minor.
What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common?
They both barely cover an asshole.
What's the most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate?
Your ears.
What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?
He grows taller.
What do British nuclear engineers eat?
Fission chips.
Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C.
Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?
The pot was calling the cattle back
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
osMoses
What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse?
Brothel Sprouts.
What does a gay rooster say?
"Anycockledoooooo!"
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.
What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?
a new last name
What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?
His ears. Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox" Good times!
What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive)
American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?
It was Luke warm.
Why haven't I ever met a full blooded jew?
All of the ones I've met have just been Jew-ish
What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture
What is the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.
What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
How do you confuse a gay person?
Seven
What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
Donald Trump's tie.
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.
Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?
Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
What do a cell phone and anal bleach have in common?
They both change your ring tone
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.
What do Jewish pedophiles say?
"Hey kid, want to buy some candy?"
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick
What's a pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?
"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
How many Caucasian American males does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.
what do you call four black people in a red sleeping bag?
-a very snug sleeping bag as they can rarely fit more then one person comfortably
How do you call a dog with no legs?
You can't call it, you have to go and pick it up.
Why did the bartender kick out the three Jews at midnight?
Because the bar closes at 11.
What does a Jew and an oven have in common?
Bagels.
What do you call a gay Chinese math teacher?
A gay Chinese math teacher.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To collect it's AIDS medication.
What did Gene give Carla for Christmas?
AIDS
What's worse than losing one of your socks?
Being Jewish during the holocaust.
Why did Larry fall off his bike?
He was hit in the head with a brick...
What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Jews are people, and are a nation and ethnoreligious group originating in the Israelites or Hebrews of the Ancient Near East. A pizza on the other hand is an Italian dish made up of cheese, bread sauces and multiple toppings.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a turkey?
Just a sort of mixed bird thing.
What did the Jewish man get for Christmas?
Nothing.
He is Jewish, therefore he does not celebrate Christmas, he celebrates Hanukkah. So he won't get a present for Christmas, he will get eight presents for Hanukkah. (He'll like getting a good deal).
What's the difference between Chuck Norris and broccoli?
A lot.
What do you call a Black Comedian?
Funny, You Racist.
What did Santa give the little boy for Christmas?
Nothing, he's not real
How do you escape from being enlisted in the army of your nation?
Flee to a different country and bring along your valuables.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A satisfied elephant and a dead poodle.
What did the black kid get for his birthday? Yo bike!
How do you kill a blonde?
lightsabre to the throat should do it
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
The egg, because breakfast comes before dinner.
Why did the Japanese man commit suicide?
He was terminally ill and decided it was his time to go
At what age are Americans allowed drink?
At any age. liquids are vital for human beings to survive.
What's the Capitol of Washington DC?
W
what did the McDonald's cashier say to the fat man ordering a large chocolate milkshake?
you want some fries with that shake?
What Do You Get When You Mix Chicken Stock, Carrots, potatoes (With Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate To Protect Color), Peas, Heavy Cream, Modified Food Starch, Contains 2% Or Less Of Wheat Flour, Salt, Chicken Fat, Dried Dairy Blend (Whey, Calcium Caseinate), Butter (Cream, Salt), Natural Chicken Flavor With Other Natural Flavors (Salt, Natural Flavoring, Maltodextrin, Milk Solids, Nonfat Dry Milk, Chicken Fat, Beef Extract, Ascorbic Acid [To Help Protect Flavor]), Monosodium Glutamate, Liquid Margarine (Vegetable Oil Blend [Liquid Soybean, Hydrogenated Cottonseed, Hydrogenated Soybean], Water, Vegetable Mono And Diglycerides, Beta Carotene [Color]), Roasted Garlic Juice Flavor (Garlic Juice, Salt, Natural Flavors), Gelatin, Roasted Onion Juice Flavor (Onion Juice, Salt, Natural Flavors), Chicken Pot Pie Flavor (Hydrolyzed Corn, Soy And Wheat Gluten Protein, Salt, Vegetable Stock [Carrot, Onion, Celery], Maltodextrin, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Flavors, Dextrose, Chicken Broth), Chicken Stock, Sugar, Mono and Diglycerides With Citric Acid to Protect Flavor, Spice, Seasoning (Soybean Oil, Oleoresin Turmeric, Spice Extractives), Parsley, Citric Acid, Caramel Color, Yellow 5. Enriched Flour (Bleached Wheat Flour, Niacin, Ferrous Sulfate, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin, Folic Acid), Hydrogenated Palm Kernel Oil, Water, Nonfat Milk, Maltodextrin, Salt, Dextrose, Sugar, Whey, Natural Flavor, Butter, Citric Acid, Dough Conditioner, L-Cysteine Hydrochloride, Potassium Sorbate and Sodium Benzoate (Preservatives), Colored With Yellow 5 and Red 40. Fresh Chicken Marinated With: Salt, Sodium Phosphate and Monosodium Glutamate. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Natural Flavorings, Citric Acid, Maltodextrin, Sugar, Corn Syrup Solids, With Not More Than 2% Calcium Silicate Added as an Anti Caking Agent OR Fresh Chicken Marinated With: Salt, Sodium Phosphate and Monosodium Glutamate. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Corn Starch, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Modified Corn Starch, Spice Extractives, Citric Acid, and 2% Calcium Silicate added as Anticaking Agent OR Fresh Chicken Marinated With: Salt, Sodium Phosphate and Monosodium Glutamate. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Sodium Chloride and Anti-caking Agent (Tricalcium Phosphate), Nonfat Milk, Egg Whites, Colonel's Secret Original Recipe Seasoning OR Potato Starch, Sodium Phosphate, Salt, Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Sodium Chloride and Anti-caking agent (Tricalcium Phosphate), Nonfat Milk, Egg Whites, Colonel's Secret Original Recipe Seasoning OR Potato Starch, Sodium Phosphate, Salt, Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Natural Flavorings, Citric Acid, Maltodextrin, Sugar, Corn Syrup Solids, With Not More Than 2% Calcium Silicate Added as an Anti Caking Agent OR Potato Starch, Sodium Phosphate, Salt, Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Spices, Monosodium Glutamate, Corn Starch, Leavening (Sodium Bicarbonate), Garlic Powder, Modified Corn Starch, Spice Extractives, Citric Acid, and 2% Calcium Silicate Added As Anticaking Agent OR Seasoning (Salt, Monosodium Glutamate, Garlic Powder, Spice Extractives, Onion Powder), Soy Protein Concentrate, Rice Starch and Sodium Phosphates. Battered With: Water, Wheat Flour, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate, Monocalcium Phosphate), Salt, Dextrose, Monosodium Glutamate, Spice and Onion Powder. Predusted With: Wheat Flour, Wheat Gluten, Salt, Dried Egg Whites, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate), Monosodium Glutamate, Spice and Onion Powder. Breaded With: Wheat Flour, Salt, Soy Flour, Leavening (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate), Monosodium Glutamate, Spice, Nonfat Dry Milk, Onion Powder, Dextrose, Extractives of Turmeric and Extractives of Annatto, Breading Set in Vegetable oil?
KFC's Chicken Pot Pie
what do you call a black guy in a cop car
a cop
What did the coal miner get for Christmas?
Black Lung Disease
How did the Irishman die?
He was old.
What did the creepy old man do to the child?
Took him to baseball practice
Why did the kid cry?
He had a frog stapled to his face.
Why did the guy in the wheelchair die?
He was mauled by tigers.
How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
CHANGE?????
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
His health was dwindling ever since he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer several years ago and this looked like the end.
Why did the cat bite its owner?
Because the owner had been dead for several days and the cat was locked in the house with nothing else to eat.
What did the hobo get for Christmas?
Hypothermia
Did you hear the one about Helen Keller?
No.
Well neither did she.
What did Larry do when little Billy's baseball crashed through his window? He raped and murdered little Billy for Larry has raped and murdered many children.
What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?
A pogo stick.
Just kidding.
Cancer.
What did Santa say to the prostitute?
"Merry Christmas!"
What did the German say to the Jew?
Welcome to Germany we hope you enjoy your stay
How many Jews can you fit in a car?
However many seats there are
Why did Lisa let go of the monkey bars?
she was being molested
What do you call a gardener in Mexico?
Un Jardinero.
Did you hear what happened when the President, the Pope and the Dalai Lama went golfing?
Neither did I.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Due the limited cognitive ability and a lack of critical thinking skills, the chicken mistakenly ventured across the road in search of grain. Luckily the chicken was not injured on this occasion, however other chickens may not be so lucky in the future.
What did the blonde do when she found out one is most likely to get in a car accident within 6 miles of the home?
She drove more carefully in her neighborhood.
What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
An emergency floatation device.
Why did the white comedian get booed off stage?
Because his jokes were humorless and offensive.
Why do catholic priests enjoy the company of boys?
Because they must remain celibate and cannot have children of their own.
What do you get when you mate an elephant with a rhino?
Not much of anything except inter-species animal sex, considering the fact that the two do not share enough genetic material to create any sort of offspring.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was being herded into a slaughter house to be killed, then packaged and shipped out to restaurant venders all across the country.
Why did the old lady start crying?
Because her daughter was raped and killed.
What did Grandma give her grandson Billy for Christmas?
Scarring memories of sexual abuse.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To mourn the loss of his daughter who died due a fatal car crash, caused by him while he was driving. across the street
Why was the blonde so dumb?
Because she wasn't properly educated.
Why did the prestigious college accept the Native American student?
Trick question, Native Americans don't exist anymore.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why are you worrying about the chicken? You just got shot.
What did the homeless man buy with a dollar?
Nothing. He didn't have a dollar.
how many fish does it take to turn on a lightbulb
None, lightbulbs don't work in the ocean
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Well, in fact, the "road" in this joke symbolizes the Mexican/American border. The chicken's real name is Esteban Jimenez and he crossed the "road" to reach his family on the other side so he can start his life over. In addition to this, Esteban's real dream was to establish a 401k and possibly go to law school so he could begin his own law firm.
What do you call a black man with a gun?
A police officer.
How do you occupy a blonde for hours ?
Give her a long list of stuff to do.
What do African Americans and Doorknobs have in common?
Before the Emancipation Proclamation was passed, neither was free. Doorknobs still aren't free.
Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and ate kids?
What did the prostitute eat for lunch?
Nothing because she was too busy performing oral sex for money.
Why did the cop pull over the car full of black people?
Because, they were going 65 in a 35 mile per hour speed limit zone, Which is against the law.
Why were there four married men in one room without their pants on?
because it was the mens bathroom.
What's worse than tripping over a tree root?
The destruction of the ancient city of Pompeii in A.D. 79.
Though tripping over a tree root may hurt and result in the victim bleeding profusely, we live in the 21st century and at any time can call a doctor using a cellular device called a phone.
In A.D. 79, no technology in this category existed. People were overpowered by the rage of a mountain that they believed was a sign of the wrath of the heavens. People had to flee the city and a majority of them we killed by either inhaling to much smoke or other causes. This continued for over 18 hours.
Therefore, the destruction of Pompeii is far worse than tripping over a tree root.
what did the rooster get for his birthday?
nothing
What did grandma receive for her 75th birthday?
Alzheimer's.
How did the Mexican get into the U.S.A.?
He came in legally, and got his green card. He then continued his life as a business man and won the lottery four years later for 5 million dollars. He then bought a cool television, he also had children and put the money in their college funds later.
Why didn't the man get to see his family on Christmas?
He was blind.
Why did the black man have blood on his hands?
He was a surgeon
How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten. One to actually screw it in, and nine to stand around and say, "I can do it better."
Why did Suzy not eat her breakfast?
because I stapled her to the table.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It's really irrelevant when you realize this joke is about a suicidal chicken...
Why did Suzie fall of the swing?
Because Suzie was a cucumber.
How do you confuse a blonde? Try and teach her the finer points of Quantum Physics without allowing her to take any notes, and then test her on it.
What do gay guys eat?
Normal food like every other human being.
What is invisible and smells like bananas?
Monkey Farts.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because its dopaminergic neurons fired synchronously across the synapses of its caudate nucleus, triggering motor contractions propelling the organism forward, while emitting 'cluck' distress signals, to a goal predetermined by its hippocampal road mappings.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go for a bike ride?
What do you call a blonde that just got hit by a school bus?
Dead.
Why did the old man order the little girl into the car?
Because he was her grandfather.
why did the chicken cross the road?
why don't you just stay the fuck out of his personal life?
What do you call it, when a Jew makes fun of a black guy?
Racism.
What do you call a taxi driver eating on a gourmet restaurant?
A taxi driver.
What did the Johnny say to the black man when he saw him buying a watermelon?
Nothing, Johnny is mute.
Why did the young boy lose a testicle?
Because he was viciously raped by a large parrot
What did the Iraqi Suicide bomber bring on the airplane?
His Kindle, he enjoys reading books
What did the Dyslexic man write on his Christmas card?
Merry Christmas
What did the blind boy get for his birthday?
He doesn't know
What did the lawyer get for Christmas?
More paper work
What do a squirrel and a cigarette have in common?
-They are both perfectly harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
What did the blind, deaf, quadriplegic boy get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Why did the blonde driver crossed the red light?
Because she has a good notion of physics and realized that the truck that was behind her was too fast to stop in time and if she braked there could have been an accident.
What did the blind, deaf, mute child get for Christmas?
Leukemia
Why did the Mexican guy run to the hospital?
Because it was faster than walking.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because chickens do not possess the mental capacity to grasp the idea of "roads"
What did the Neo-Nazi say to the Jew?
Hello.
What's the similarity between a grape and an elephant?
Both are purple except for the elephant.
what did helen keller name her dog?
scruffy
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
The backyard gate was left open
What do you call a gay man who has sex with a woman?
A bisexual.
Why did the butcher have blood on his hands? He murdered his daughter.
-What did the gay guy say in Mcdonald's?
-Ill have a number 10, with hot sauce and a large coke.
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was attached to the first elephant.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why did the horse fall over?
Because I shot it
Why can't Helen Keller watch Spongebob?
She doesn't have the proper cable service
What do you say when your hot chocolate is to hot?
This hot chocolate is too hot.
What did the little orphan boy get for Christmas?
Nothing because he had died six months prior to Christmas due to the horrible living conditions of the orphanage.
Why did the black man cross the road?
To show the chicken that it isn't that hard.
What did the recently released criminal get for his birthday?
a nice sweater
What did the mute boy get for his birthday?
I don't know he didn't tell me
What is the pirate's favorite letter?
Z.
Why don't Jewish cannibals like Germans.
Because it gives them gas.
What did the golfer do on his vacation?
He played golf.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To see if he can make before the car hits him.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
It escaped the zoo.
What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for his birthday?
A basketball.
What do kittens and napkins have in common?
You can sneeze into both of them except the kitten doesn't like it
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Peer pressure and drugs.
Why did the boy miss the school bus?
He died in his sleep
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he has an abusive farmer and needs to get away before it gets any worse.
What's worse than finding out you have genital herpes?
Finding out your grandmother gave them to you
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was being chased by a predator and crossing the road led it away from it's pursuer.
How many drunk Irishmen did it take to change the lightbulb?
None, the bulb was fine.
why did the chicken cross the road?
It's a chicken giving it the tendencies to wander if not properly fenced in.
What was the little boy doing in the deep end of the swimming pool?
Drowning.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one, but he may forget to finish the task due to his Alzheimer's.
What do you call 12 ghosts?
A bus accident.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot.
What did santa say to the little girl on Christmas Eve?
Santa isn't real, but pedophiles are.
What's the difference between a hockey puck, and an African child? They're both black, but usually African children aren't round!
what did the cop say to the robber...
freeze bitch hope you like prison food and penis
How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But after she does this, se will probably have sex with another woman
What do you call a black person with one leg?
In modern American society, it is proper etiquette to address somebody by their first name.
What's the only part of a vegetable that you can't eat???
His wheelchair
Did you hear the one about the priest, the rabbi, the astronaut, the olympic diver, the mcdonald's employee, and the web designer?
Neither did I...
What did the cat say when it jumped into the cardboard box?
Meow
What did the priest say to the rabbi?
"Hey Joe, how's the family?"
What did the cow say to the farmer?
'Moo.'
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he clearly has an owner that doesn't fence him in.
what is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
-one is the chosen people of Israel and one is a food that was founded in Italy
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The undeveloped cerebral cortex vital for comprehending irony left the chicken incapable of finding humor or possibly feeling self-disgust in the acknowledgment that it had just wandered across said road, this being a grandfathered human jest.
What did Sarah Palin say as she gazed to the West?
"I really wish my daughter hadn't gotten pregnant."
How do you know if a Frenchman has been in your house?
You could ask a neighbor, or check to see if anything has been missing, or set up a camera. There are actually many ways.
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Because he didn't have arms.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it is common to find chickens and other wild and/or domesticated animals roaming through the streets in a multitude of countries.
Why did Johnny fall off his bike?
He was shot.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, go ask the chicken.
What's the difference between Jews, Muslims and Christians?
Religious beliefs.
What's worse than being gay?
Dying in a gas chamber in the Holocaust.
What is the difference between you and Chuck Norris?
You're reading this and he's probably doing something productive.
What's worse than finding out your girlfriend is a guy?
Finding out he had sex with your dad.
Why did Bert go to the doctor?
He had an appointment.
What did the boy with no legs get for Christmas?
A nice sweater.
Why did the airplane crash?
The pilot was a tomato.
why did the train not make it to the station?
it crashed and killed everybody on board.
How do you tell if your boyfriend is gay?
He is having sex with men
Why did the fish look like a human?
Because it was a person, drowning.
What did the Africans get for dinner?
Nothing.
Why can't Helen Keller play hide and go seek?
Because she is dead.
what's red and goes up and down?
a tomato in an elevator
Why do Jewish people like money so much?
Because they can exchange it for goods and services
Why do black people eat fried chicken?
Because they're humans and many humans enjoy the savory taste of fried chicken.
What happened when a gay man asked a straight man what time it was?
He told him the correct time, they parted ways and went about with their lives.
Why did they name the cat Salty?
I have no idea, ask his owner
Did you know Helen Keller had a swingset in her backyard
Neither did she.
What is the difference between Jews and the boyscouts?
The boyscouts come home from camp.
What do you call a black man who sells drugs?
A pharmacist.
how do you make a cat blink?
strike him with a hammer.
Did you hear the one about the blonde who went to the grocery store?
She walked in, purchased the items that she specified on her shopping list, then left and went to her daughter's piano recital.
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic kid get for Christmas?
Cancer
What did the working mother get her son for Christmas?
Empty promises.
Why did the hamster run around the wheel.?
Because he lived in a small cage and had nothing better to do.
What did the little crippled boy get for his birthday?
He's an orphan so he doesn't know his birthday.
What do you get when you mix a dog with speeding bus?
Nothing, you can't mix those two things.
Why did the black man walk into KFC?
He was terribly hungry and had a reasonable amount of currency with him to purchase food for his well being.
What do you call an Iraqi man steering the plane?
a pilot, you racist.
How do you put an elephant in a taxi?
You open the door, make sure the elephant is seated comfortably, and close the door.
What do Jews, Muslims and Blacks have in common?
They are all valuable members of the community and should be treated no differently from anyone else
How many blondes does it take to walk into a bar?
One I guess. I don't know if I understand the question.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One's fun to smash with a sledgehammer. The other one's a watermelon
What did one Japanese man say to the other?
I have no fucking clue, I don't speak Japanese.
What did Anne Frank get for Christmas?
Nothing Anne Frank is Jewish.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong was the first one to walk on the moon...
and Michael Jackson molested little children.
Why did the used car salesman stop selling cars?
He got fired.
What's the difference between a rabbit and a plum?
They're both purple, except for the rabbit.
How do you drown a blonde?
Hold their head under water.
Why did the blonde woman sell her water skis? She was in a horrible accident and will never walk again.
What do you call it when a black man and a japanese woman get married?
A wedding.
What did the farmer say when his cow got stuck in a tree? - "Get down"
How do you tell if someone is a Jew?
Ask them politely.
Why did the boy pick up the baseball?
He wanted to play baseball.
How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you need an electrician to screw in a lightbulb, you're a moron.
what did the cat say to the potato?
meow
What do George Washington, JFK and Hillary Clinton have in common?
They've never been to my house.
Why did the chicken walk into Mordor?
It didn't. One does not simply walk into Mordor.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Mind your own fucking business.
whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
ones delicious and the other is a watermelon
How did Peter Parker tell his uncle that he was Spiderman?
He didn't because he was already dead.
what do an elephant, a fish hook, and a spaceship have in common?
absolutely nothing
How do you get a nun pregnant?
You have sex with her.
Why can't black people swim?
Because most African American individuals grow up in inner urban cities where they have little or no access to swimming facilities.
Did you hear about the black guy who got into college?
Actually, there are nearly 10,00 African Americans who get accepted into college every year. This specific black male is notable because of his stellar grades and his activity in his community.
What do you call a black guy flying an airplane?
A pilot, you racist.
how do people without arms and legs have sex?
no one has sex with people without arms and legs.
Why can't Helen Keller have kids?
Because she's dead, therefore does not possess the ability to bear children.
What did the little boy get for Christmas?
Nothing. He was Jewish.
What do you call 10,000 lawyers jumping off a cliff?
Mass suicide
What do a duck and a bike have in common? They both have handle bars except for the duck
How do you keep children off your front lawn?
You molest them.
Why did the first squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second squirrel fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first one.
Why did the third squirrel fall out of the tree?
Peer Pressure.
Why did Bobby fall off his bike?
He was hit by 4 squirrels
Why did bobby die?
He was hit by a bus
What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't make for a very good accountant.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
Actually it couldn't even walk because of all the hormones they injected into it in order to genetically enhance it's size and flavor.
Did you hear about the anorexic with the yeast infection? Apparently she's really good at math, and if she can overcome her afflictions she wants to become an accountant one day.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
An Irish wedding is the celebration of two people joining in matrimony, and an Irish funeral is a somber remembrance of a deceased person.
What do you call an Arab flying a plane over New York?
The Pilot.
what do you do when you forget to do your math homework?
kill your teacher
How many polish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-One
Did you hear about the dyslexic eye chart maker?
His disability caused to him to have a difficult time at work and his production suffered because of this.
What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her?
They gave her a stern talking to and then grounded her for a couple days.
What do a dildo salesman and a car salesman have in common?
They are both salesman
what do you call a fat black cat and a skinny white dog? Just two animals that are judged.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because a random biological stimulus compelled it to.
What's the difference between a duck?
I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of water fowl.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree? It was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first koala.
Why did the man fall of his bike? He was struck with a falling koala.
Why did the fish fall of its bike? Because it's a fish.
What is fuzzy and might kill you if it falls on you? A pool table.
Did you hear the one about the man who went into the jungle wearing nothing but leopard print underwear?
He was suffering from psychogenic fugue disorder and had no idea who or where he was. He was eventually eaten alive by a flesh-eating centipede. When his wife found out, she committed suicide.
what do babies and prostitutes have in common
they will both cry if you hit them with a brick
What did the blonde do when she reached the traffic lights?
She stopped, as the lights were red.
How many muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb.
One.
Why did the bus driver tell the black man to get to the back of the bus?
Because all the seats up front were full and its dangerous to stand in a moving vehicle
How many Jews can you fit into a car?
About 5 or 6. It depends on the size of the car.
What do you call a black man that is working on a farm?
A farmer.
What did the black kid get for Christmas?
Your bike.
What did the kid with cancer get for Christmas?
A visit from the Make a Wish Foundation and the opportunity to see her favorite band in concert. Unfortunately, she was very ill from the chemotherapy, and was unable to really enjoy herself at the concert. She passed away several days later, surrounded by family and friends.
What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.
What's the difference between a turtle and a horse?
The horse has no shell.
Why couldn't Katie ride a bike?
Because she has leprosy.
What did the school bully get for his birthday?
Beaten by his alcoholic father. Children are a product of their environment and his father's abusive nature towards his son forced the young boy to act out in class giving him the reputation of a bully.
what is the biggest lie in the universe?
-click to enter only if you are 18
Why did the blonde kid lose the spelling bee?
Because she misspelled a word.
What happens to koala bears when the forests of Australia catch on fire?
They burn.
What did the mother give her family for Christmas?
Nothing. The family is Jewish.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To escape the overwhelming feeling of self doubt created by an abusive drug addicted father which has left him seeking life threatening situations that should never befall a simple chicken.
How do you get a baby out of a blender?
Call the police and have them deal with the tragedy.
What did the Mexican firefighter name his twin boys?
Thomas and David after his father and grandfather.
What do you get when you cross Chuck Norris with a cheetah?
Don't do that, I'm pretty sure it's illegal for several reasons.
What did Helen Keller name her dog?
Due to Helen Keller's disabilities she wasn't able to own an animal. If she did have a dog, it would be named spot because that was a popular pet name in that period of time.
How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, possibly two if the lightbulb is high up and someone has to hold the ladder.
How do you kill a blonde?
Stab her.
What do you get when you cross some eggs and some toast?
Breakfast.
Did you see the picture of Helen Keller's father?
No. Lemme Google it.
Oh cool; he had a beard.
How do you know that god was a male?
You don't, that's why it's called faith.
What did the poor sickly orphan get for Christmas?
Nothing.
what did the schizophrenic get for his birthday?
new friends
What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
A warm meal thanks to a Charity organization.
What do you call a blonde with one leg?
Heather Mills
Whats funny with two wheels?
A kid falling off his bike.
What do call a black piano player?
A pianist.
What did the one legged homeless person get for Christmas?
Frostbite.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side.
Knock knock?
Who's there?
the Chicken.
What is it called when a male and a male are together.
A relationship
What did the redneck say to the Muslim?
Nothing, he is too blinded by racial hatred and ignorance after terrorist attacks on the U.S to speak with him despite having common interests, such as baseball.
How do you kill a blonde woman?
Stab her in the stomach so all the acidic contents of her stomach slowly burn her flesh.
Did you know Helen Keller had a dog?
Yeah neither did she.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a Cadillac? A Cadillac is a car, and a dead baby is a morose and disgusting topic of internet humor.
What did 6 say to 7?
Nothing, numbers are abstract concepts thought up by humans and therefore, they cannot speak or converse in any sort of language.
Whats worse than a fly in your soup?
The Holocaust.
What do Tom Cruise and Santa Claus have in common?
They are both are fat and have beards, except for Tom Cruise.
Why did the man float in the lake?
Because he was dead.
What's the difference between George W Bush and a doorknob?
George W Bush is the president of the United States. A doorknob is a mechanical device that securely closes a hinged door, thereby keeping your family safe from danger.
What did the catholic priest say to the little boy?
Nothing sexual, that kind of behavior isn't as widespread as people think.
How many eco-friendly people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because fluorescent lightbulbs last 6 to 12 years longer than an incandescent lightbulb.
What do the pope and an orange have in common?
They're both fruits. Except for the pope.
What do you call a white guy with a taller black woman?
A man in a deeply committed relationship.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Watermelons don't have feet.
What do you call a Jewish police officer?
It depends on if you are Mel Gibson or not.
How many aborigines does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have no idea what electricity is.
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Shes been dead for some time now.
what do you do if you catch syphilis from a Swedish prostitute?
seek the help of a medical professional.
What did the Black man say when he just got home from work?
"Hi honey, I just got home from work."
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
what did the catholic priest say to the boy?
god be with you.
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagon?
Five comfortably.
Why did the straight man turn gay?
He didn't. He was always gay but had to hide this from his family and friends because of an overwhelming sense of homophobia in his community.
Why did the blonde shoot her dog?
Because it had rabies
Why can't Helen Keller have babies?
She's dead.
Why couldn't Sally ride her bike?
because Sally has Cerebral Palsy.
How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Generally one, but as the situation varies so does the number.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It's a trick question: feminists can't change anything.
Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
How many bodies can you stuff into a oven?
Who tries figure that out? I'm calling the cops.
what do you get if you take the head off a duck and a monkey, and swap them over to the other bodies.
2 dead animals and quite a lot of mess
What did the pirate say when his parrot died?
Nothing. They both died at the same time in a horrible shipwreck. There were no survivors.
What do you call an arab terrorist with a bomb on his back in the middle of an airport?
Don't even worry. You will never be able to pronounce his name.
What do you get when you cross a duck with a cat?
You can't. The current state of genetic engineering will not allow avian DNA and mammalian DNA to be combined.
How many illegal immigrants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why should his legal status matter at all in this situation?
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A girl who really needs to see the doctor.
What do you call a Jewish cop?
Officer.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why do Black people love chicken?
Because it is delicious.
what do an elephant and a grape have in common?
One of them is purple.
Did you hear about the Blonde who jumped off a bridge?
She died.
What's the difference between a duck?
An armchair, because a vest has no sleeves.
What do the Holocaust and baseball have in common ?
They are sports, except the Holocaust .
Why did the Jew pick up the penny lying on the sidewalk?
Because he dropped it.
How do you fit an elephant inside your car?
Starve it to death then chop it in pieces.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom?
Imprisonment up to 15 years in an international detainment facility.
How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
Why did the man fall off his bike?
I threw a fridge at him
Whats the difference between an American and a Frenchman?
The language they speak.
What did the black kid get for Christmas?
Probably not too much considering the socio-economic climate present in the majority of African American communities in our country.
What did one Japanese man say to the other?
I'm not quite sure. I only took one year of Japanese in high school.
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing baseball?
It depends on what the name of each individual is.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
One is a human being belonging to a particular religious minority and the other is a delicious Italian food favoured by English speaking western cultures.
How do you kill a blonde?
Irreversibly damage her vital organs to the point where she loses consciousness and will never wake again.
How did the Mexican get into the United States of America?
Legally.
What do you call a black man on a bike?
A hard-working individual who found a steady job and earned enough money to buy a bicycle of his own which he rides to and from his job because he is healthy, doesn't like to waste money on gas, and doesn't like the pollution automobiles put into the air.
What do you call a black guy who is selling drugs?
A pharmacist.
What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig? A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
What did the catholic priest say at the AA meeting?
Alcohol is ruining my life.
What did Grandma give little Ben for Christmas?
Nothing.She died on Thanksgiving day.
why did the chicken cross the road?
because chickens are very absent-minded creatures. the chances are the chicken saw some form of bug or other edible life form from across the road and decided to venture over in that direction. if the road was not there, the chicken would most likely have still crossed that same expanse of ground, regardless of potential consequences.
What do you call 10,000 lawyers jumping out of a plane?
A world record sky diving group, and an improbably large aircraft.
How do you stop a bus? Throw small children in front of it.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The farmer left the fence open, so it wandered around and happened to cross a road.
Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup?
Because he wasn't a very good waiter.
What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
When I see a Porsche on the street, I think to myself, "that's a nice car," but when I see a pile of dead babies on the street I scream, "OH DEAR GOD WHY?!?! WHY?!?! WHERE IS THE MONSTER THAT KILLED THESE POOR BABIES?!?!" I then quickly alert the authorities of the hideous crime before vomiting profusely and crying until my tear ducts run dry. I sustain irreversible psychological damage and the image of hundreds of cruelly murdered infants prevents me from sleeping at night.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
one. he was an electrician
Why did the woman leave the kitchen?
She had just prepared her breakfast and was late for her full-time job as a firefighter.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
How do you stop a black person from drowning?
You toss him a flotation device.
How many Jew does it take to change a light bulb?
A lightbulb cannot be changed, it either is or isn't. Do you mean replace a burned-out bulb with a new one? With design, logistics, manufacturing, marketing of just that single bulb- there are many people involved. It could be argued that we all play some small part in the process.
what did Stephen Hawking say to the prostitute?
My illness prevents me from achieving erection.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A horrible boating accident.
Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side
How do you kill a blonde?
Well there are many ways, but all of which are wrong because murder is illegal.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change it and the other to hold the ladder so the first man won't fall and hurt himself.
Why do black people eat fried chicken?
Because it tastes good.
Why did the black man buy 3 boxes of condoms?
Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale.
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
" I have read and agree to the Terms of Service"
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start! (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)
What is the smallest part of a FIAT?
The owners brain.
What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.
How many IT guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that's a Facilities problem.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What's a mushroom?
The place they store school food!
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.
Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference!
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Lazy.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
When you see teeth marks.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
There's whiteout on the screen.
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
What is the best revenge when another woman steals your husband?
Let her keep him.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two violists playing in unison.
When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
Rust in peace!
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
What burns longer, a red candle or a green candle?
Neither, they both burn shorter!
What did Liberace like more than roses on his piano?
Tulips on his organ.
What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A stamp.
Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
They're too hard to peel.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.
How do you get out of an elephant?
Run around until you're all pooped out!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic!
What's the first rule of scuba diving?
Don't fart in your wet suit.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the diapers package said '18-40 lbs'.
What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
Vibrato.
How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
Soak it in petrol and set it on fire.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Have you heard the joke about the skunk?
Never mind. It stinks!
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they forgot the words!
How is an apple like a lawyer?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts!
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What doesn't belong on this list; meat, eggs, girlfriend, blowjob.?
Blowjob. Because you can beat your meat eggs and girlfriend, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
What is the difference between pizza and pussy?
You can eat the crust off of pizza.
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down!
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
We don't know. Never happens.
What do Saddam Hussien and General Custer have in common?
They were wondering where all of those Tomahawks were coming from.